Staying or leaving - what is worse?

[JuliaJuly]

You all must have heard 1000 versions of this story by now. But I'm hoping to get some insights, maybe, to help me along my road wherever it leads.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years - we started dating at 23, got married at 25; no kids. Over the past year I have unexpectedly found myself at a fork in my emotional road and I don't know how to look at it to progress from here.

He had issues with depression (due to trauma) before we met. But we were so happy our first few years. When he was diagnosed with an at the time seemingly terminal illness, his depression returned. He won the battle for his life, but his depression came back and never fully let up again.

He hasn't worked since a year before our wedding. I was always okay with that. I never minded being the financial provider. But in the long run it turns out it isn't 'just' about income. He has no passions for anything. He has no hobbies or interests that keep him engaged with life to any extent. No friends or desire to make any. He has no ambitions - no dreams or goals. It's intensified after his illness. I appear to be the only thing that keeps him engaged in life. Not because I think I'm great - but because he's literally said so. He has had suicidal episodes and has stated what keeps him from doing it is the thought of me being sad and alone if he ends his life. He will not get professional help. He tried it for me twice, both times didn't work out, and now he just refuses. He truly just sits at home all day waiting for me to come home.

I love him. I still want to grow old with him. He is more than the sum of his suffering. I love his soul. The trauma he experienced in his life was thrust onto him - as his partner, I have always felt that what happens to him, should happen to me; we are a team. But I am also starting to feel more and more suffocated. Though I am not sure if I would be happier alone - how can I know? What would I regret more, staying or leaving?

For a year now I've been going back and forth between growing old with the man I love and simply just not living the life I wanted (travel, adventures, excitement - which he knew I craved in life when we met)... or leaving and dealing with the no doubt grim consequences for us both (I don't WANT to lose my best friend). I have nobody to talk to - I do not want friends and family to get involved. Could you offer me perspective... is my line of thought reasonable? Is it selfish of me to not want to live like this?

[Guest_1643]

Hi julia -

u sound to me pretty perceptive and I truly don't think ur being arrogant in imagining that maybe your husband is trying to disappear within you - it's pretty fair to say that maybe he does rely on you and circumvent some of his own struggles and challenges by simply letting you be in charge.

i have compassion for what he is going through and it does sound like a PTSD response... but it also doesn't sound like he's yet at the point to get help which is sad because there is so much out there. Maybe he is quite comfortable in his situation and sees no need to change.

I just wanted to add that whatever you decide please don't think you're selfish - being honest with yourself and others is never selfish and you have a right to be happy.