So many problems where do I start

[Angel82]

I have suffered depression and anxiety for past 15 years and have been successfully medicated to the point my life is manageable day to day I have extremely low self esteem and self worth and am my own biggest critic. I have 3 children and am recently divorced 2 years ago after 20 years and have been in a new relationship for 12 months all these recent changes are making life hard to deal with again my kids aren't coping with the divorce as well as I thought and are being very defiant and disrespectful to only me no one else and I'm told that it's my parenting that's the problem by several people including professionals I can't discipline them like I was as a kid cause society says that's wrong so I constantly judge myself on whether Im doing the right thing.
My new partner is sweet and caring and loving but also suffers from depression and anxiety and I find that I don't know how to deal with someone suffering from it let alone go through it myself. We love each other and he has had his own past issues with ex's that have left him untrusting and afraid to open up again he says that he wishes he could treat me the way he treated his ex's as I'm the one who deserves it yet after 12 months he still can't he says I need to be his rock and support him through his depression not question him all the time but I've done everything I can and things haven't improved we have a non existent sex life as his depression leaves him uninterested in intimacy which leaves me feeling rejected and unwanted he says I need to understand that it's not about me it's his head but I can't stop my head from over analysing it and thinking it's all my fault he has no drive to move forward or seek help for himself and I feel stuck and helpless

[quirkywords]

Angel,

Welcome to the forum and well done for starting this thread. Your title is very descriptive, you have a lot of problems to deal with but also have an understanding of them which is not everyone has.

I can feel the tiredness and the way you feel helpless in your words.

I too was divorced after 20 years and three children . Your children play up for you because they know you will still love them no matter what. Of course they are confused by the divorce. I am not sure what blaming you achieves .

It is a real achievement that after 15 years of suffering depression and anxiety you managed to manage your life with medication. That shows you have determination.

As you know depression is not caused by someone else, it is an awful illness and it is sad your partner is suffering. I feel you need to look after yourself and your health. You are understanding your partner's needs, and need to take time for yourself.

Is your new partner seeing a doctor or psychologist or counsellor?
You are aware that you are your biggest critic and you constantly judge yourself.
I can see you are a kind and compassionate person who feels things deeply.

I think as a mum and partner you put other people ahead of yourself.

I can see by your writing, that you express yourself, are insightful, determined, kind, understanding and patient.

I hope you can use some of those qualities on yourself.

The title asks, where do you start, well at the beginning at the most important part, with you.

There is a thread Forums / Staying well / Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed? that may interest.

I too struggle with being my biggest critic and have to work hard to look on what I am doing ok and be my friend and not my enemy.

Thanks again for your post and for joining the forum.

Quirky

[Angel82]

Thank you for your kind words quirky I am far from perfect but always try my hardest when it comes to the people I love I guess that's why I became a nurse always giving and never putting myself first I still have my own demons to battle but they remain quiet for the most part until things start to overwhelm me I know that to look after someone else you need to look after yourself first but I can never put my needs above my loved ones it's always something I've struggled to do I feel selfish if I do even in my new relationship I feel extremely selfish cause I crave the intimacy so deeply and I know he struggles with it but all I can think is he doesn't want me or isn't attracted to me anymore
Bringing any of my concerns up to him results in him blaming me for over reacting or over thinking things I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't either way I see this relationship decintergrating pretty quickly if I can't open up to him cause then I find myself closing off from him instead to protect myself from rejection either way my future is looking dark again with another break up storm brewing on the horizon