Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

[MisterM]

I am 31 and never had a girlfriend.
I am unemployed, live at home with my parents (have never moved out) have very little friends, I'd say one friend and few acquaintances.

I just don't see anything in me that a woman would find attractive, who would want to go out with someone like me, a loser?
I don't understand how to get a girlfriend, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do when I talk to women.
My friend thinks I come across too needy, desperate which scares women away. I also feel that women are scared of me or something like they run away or avoid me.

I have read online sites on dating, seems so mind boggling when it comes to dating, a lot of rules. I hate mind games and playing a game. I am not good at that. I don't know how one actually makes a date a partner, what is said to her to make her a girlfriend.
I don't understand it at all.

I feel so low on confidence that I don't think I will ever find love, it's an everlasting hell of pain and suffering and loneliness and shame that I am in.
I see guys I know break-up with a partner then find a new girlfriend so quickly and effortlessly, it makes me feel worse about myself.

And worse my mum keeps thinking I am gay as I have never had a girlfriend, her and my dad are ashamed of me as I haven't given them a grandchild yet.

[MisterM]

Hi silverlining,

Thank you for replying.
Once I move out of her house I want nothing to do with her.
It will be like she's dead to me.
Funny thing, when she got diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of years ago I was in deep grief and couldn't stop crying.
She's controlled me through pressuring me to buy a house in order to stop me from travelling overseas like I did before I bought the house. She pressured me to become a business man so I did a business degree. She pressured my sister to send her kids to Catholic schools which my sister did even though she didn't want to. I just want to be free but I am in a tough spot financially.
I should get a dog yes!

[MisterM]

Well, I will turn 33 this year and I still have not had a girlfriend.
What's sad is that my 17 year old niece has found love and is in a relationship before her uncle.
I am happy for her don't get me wrong. It's just that, it's a bit abnormal for an older uncle to not have had a relationship before his niece.

[MisterM]

35 soon and still no change.

Just feeling very overwhelmed lately feeling that my life is slipping by and it won't get better.
My friends are all having kids and in relationships and I feel so alone. My best friend recently became a dad and I understand we won't have the time together like we used to because of his new responsibility. Just feel sad that I am losing my friend but at the same time happy for him. Just feeling very down and anxious lately. Loneliness is hurting me.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Mr M,

I havent read your whole thread so don't know if it's been suggested but would you try online dating? It could put you out there a bit more.

MM

[MisterM]

Hi, thanks for replying.
Not keen to be honest. I don't like online. I prefer meeting offline.
Also, if I was a woman I wouldn't date me. I have nothing that appeals to women.

[smallwolf]

Hi MisterM,

Been a while between drinks here when I looked at the dates of the posts. I want you to know that I am listening to you and there are other users on the forum that have similar issues with relationships. While you might think that you are not appealing to women, perhaps you could tell me about some of the things you do? We all have strengths and talents, but just they covered or over ridden with the negative thoughts.

Given there are other users with a similar issue in relationships, I started a thread here...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/singles-support-on-bb#qs5qdXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Please have a look and perhaps get the ball rolling so that we can all help each other?

Tim

[MisterM]

Hi smallwolf, thanks for replying.
To be honest I get embarrassed talking about myself when it comes to qualities.
I don't even know how to answer.
I am studying at university, nearly finished my undergraduate degree and looking to do postgraduate next year. I paint artworks in my spare time and play guitar and used to write songs but haven't in a long time. I cook for myself. But girls don't care about all that when I talk to them. Girls at university don't make an effort with me. I am polite, friendly, down to earth, nice with them but they just don't talk to me or pretend they don't see me. Like I was at a tram stop outside university and one girl in my class that sometimes talks to me didn't even say one word. Like I wasn't there despite standing there with her headphones on. If girls do talk to me they eventually move away from me. I believe girls/women want bad boys, I read somewhere nice guys are boring to them. I can't be what I am not. This all contributes to the immense self-loathing I have. How can I love someone else when I don't love myself and don't think I am any good. How can I enter a relationship when I am still not sure who I am or what I want to do in life.

[Azzdog]

Hi MisterM

I have just finished reading all of your posts and I am really sorry to hear all the troubles you have had with your parents and your overall sense of where your life is.

I am one of those people Tim mentioned. I have a long running forum on here where I have been ranting and raving about my own troubles with meeting women. I might be a bit younger than you (I am 24 going on 25 in August) but I am terrified of the idea of dying alone. Everyone in my family over the age of 18 is in a long term relationship so family gatherings can be a real issue for me.

I understand the part when you said: "I am studying at university, nearly finished my undergraduate degree and looking to do postgraduate next year. I paint artworks in my spare time and play guitar and used to write songs but haven't in a long time. I cook for myself. But girls don't care about all that when I talk to them."

I have these experiences as well. I like to think I am an interesting person. I play guitar as well, I write music, I have studied History and English and have a vested interest in each of them, I collect albums, I have a keen interest in travel and different cultures, I like my sport, and I exercise. It turns out that this doesn't mean much to women either.

"I believe girls/women want bad boys, I read somewhere nice guys are boring to them."

I often think this too. It seems to be the way doesn't it?

I hope you are doing okay right now my dude. It's a crappy way of living where few, if not any, people are actually trying to talk about and show that others are not alone.

[MisterM]

Hi Azzdog,
Thank you for replying.
Yeah people always say I have good qualities but it's annoying hearing as women don't care.
Like I might mention to others my hobbies and they don't continue down that line of chat, they just change the topic or don't say anything like "wow, that's cool" or ask me questions about my hobbies.

[Azzdog]

I have the same problem. I always inquire into others about their hobbies and ask questions.

Unfortunately that same kind of behaviour is never reciprocal. It always a one way street.