Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

[MisterM]

I am 31 and never had a girlfriend.
I am unemployed, live at home with my parents (have never moved out) have very little friends, I'd say one friend and few acquaintances.

I just don't see anything in me that a woman would find attractive, who would want to go out with someone like me, a loser?
I don't understand how to get a girlfriend, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do when I talk to women.
My friend thinks I come across too needy, desperate which scares women away. I also feel that women are scared of me or something like they run away or avoid me.

I have read online sites on dating, seems so mind boggling when it comes to dating, a lot of rules. I hate mind games and playing a game. I am not good at that. I don't know how one actually makes a date a partner, what is said to her to make her a girlfriend.
I don't understand it at all.

I feel so low on confidence that I don't think I will ever find love, it's an everlasting hell of pain and suffering and loneliness and shame that I am in.
I see guys I know break-up with a partner then find a new girlfriend so quickly and effortlessly, it makes me feel worse about myself.

And worse my mum keeps thinking I am gay as I have never had a girlfriend, her and my dad are ashamed of me as I haven't given them a grandchild yet.

[MisterM]

Hi Paul,

I am not keen on living with other people but it's better than with my folks.
I was considering moving into my place that I have leased out until May and looking for roomates to move in with me.

[MisterM]

I had a great day on Tuesday, saw a movie then had dinner at my friend's place with him and his partner. I talked to my friends partner about teaching as I am keen to become a teacher. I left feeling happy and woke up feeling great with a sense of direction and a plan, yep I need to study again, go back to uni.
My friend's partner gave me ideas on getting roommates and how it could ease the financial stress.
So waking up the next morning I felt determined I can do this. I can change my life for the better.
I went had a shower then when I walked back into my room I stepped on a puddle and saw the floor was all wet, puddles of water everywhere on the floorboards, and on my guitar.

I haven't been talking to my parents since a fight on Christmas eve about me not going church.
So I broke the silence and demanded my dad tell me why my floor is all wet, before that I wiped it dry with a paper towel. He said he didn't know and kept acting dumb, I kept pressing until he said my mum splashed holy water the priest had given them earlier that morning.
I was filled with anger and rage, I verbally exploded, shouted, picked up the christmas tree and threw it against the door, slammed the doors shut on my way to my room. I wanted to rip apart the room.
My dad came in all worried and scared at my rage.
I cooled down and drove to my sisters house to get away and was fuming all day, I was so mad I hard a hard time keeping the anger from exploding again.
How dare my mum with the aid of a priest think she has the right to splash water in my room, I don't need to be exorcised and converted back to a church going believer.
My dad said it is their house and they can splash water wherever they like, I said not on a valuable guitar that isn't meant to get water on it.
I called my mum an evil witch that needs the water not me amongst other nasty things.

I feel so bad now at the fact I threw the christmas tree and slightly damaged it and the fact I scared my dad. I never behave like this other than when my abusive mother pushes me too far.
I feel ashamed of myself and this has all now triggered a depressed mood.

I am now not feeling as hopeful of changing my life.
I can't afford to study full time and work shifts part time with a mortgage. I need to sell the house and move into a sharehouse so I can go to uni. I don't want to sell the house but it is holding me back.

I have spoken to a psychologist about my anger management but it has done nothing.

I know I need to move out. I am sorry for ranting.

[pipsy]

Hi MisterM.  I don't blame you for feeling extreme anger at your mum's actions.  Your dad, however is right in that they can splash water wherever they want to.  Destroying your guitar however is not their right.  I think you're going to have to face the fact that the only thing you can do is sell your house.  Sorry to say this, but your mum seems to feel that her way is the only way.   Religion is a very contentious issue, I am a 'born again Christian', but I would never try to get anyone to 'conform' to my way of thinking.    There has been a lot of name calling from both you and your mum, that achieves nothing except more bad feelings.  You know in your heart what you want, you know that the only way you're going to achieve it is to basically get away from your mum and dad and get some sort of work.  Even if it is a temporary position to help you get started.  Everyone of us had to start - somewhere.  Nobody I know ever walked into a top job without climbing the ladder.  I feel Centrelink is now your best bet for at least getting Newstart.  They will send you to an employment agency, who will see where your abilities lie and through them you will get an allowance.  If you have some money, use that to get you into somewhere where you can at least have some peace to enable you to get your head together.  If you have to sell your house, you can always buy again later.  Do you have any choices left?  This is going to sound harsh, but, forget about your guitar,  I know it was expensive, but you got a guitar once, you can get another one.  Guitars like anything hand made is replaceable, your health has to come first. 

[MisterM]

Hi Pipsy,

Thank you for replying.
My guitar is fine, it survived.
Yeah I only bought the house as my parents pressured me to buy it saying if I didn't buy then then I would never be able to as prices of houses would keep going up.
When I bought it my mum said her dream came true, it's like I am living for her and her dreams and not mine. They pressured me to buy as I had gone to Europe two years in a row before that year I bought the house in 2011, they feared I was going to keep wasting money on holidays so this way they got me to get a mortgage to stop me going overseas.
I just feel guilty for having paid the stamp duty and all the bank interest for 5 years to sell it now.

[MisterM]

I forgot to mention before.
This was an act of provocation by my mum.
I've seen her bless the house before with holy water and she only threw a tiny bit.
She threw water all over my room over a wide area, so much so my foot slipped a bit.
I could have slipped over and hurt myself.
She felt she needed to throw heaps of water in my room as I am such a devil child in her eyes.

[pipsy]

Hi There.  Glad to hear your guitar's okay.  You seem to be overlooking one thing with your house situation.  You bought it in 2011, you've paid stamp duty, mortgage etc.  I don't know how much you paid, but whatever it was, the house will have appreciated somewhat.  If you also own the land, that would be worth quite a bit.  Houses do appreciate, so does land.   Quite often when you've owned a house for at least 2 years, you've doubled the value.  I would go to a real estate office (reputable), get one of their reps to come and give you an idea what you could get for the house.  Don't agree to Auction, if you do, you may have to settle for much less than otherwise.  Some real estates only 'go' for Auctions these days, shop around till you find one who'll look after your interests.   It's going to be hard 'kissing' the house goodbye, but at least you won't have to please your mum and dad anymore.  When you put the house on the market, be prepared to 'haggle' slightly.  You'll be asked by the agent, roughly how much you want.  Agents these days are pretty good at valuing houses.  Remember you can't 'up' the price once you've agreed, you can only negotiate down.  If you have a pretty good idea what your house is worth, tell the agent.  You might be surprised. 

Once you've sold, the world's your 'oyster',  you can travel, if you want to. 

Good luck

[MisterM]

Thanks Pipsy.
I was thinking I'd need to hold on to the house for at least 10 years to see any gain.
But then I hear that prices have gone down.
I will look to get it evaluated.

[pipsy]

MisterM.  I think a lot depends on the location.  If you're handy to shops, transport, schools etc, it helps.  If you're on acreage that can help.  It depends what people want.  When me and my ex sold, we were in a shocking location, yet we made twice what we originally paid.  Once the right person comes, the house is the right price, everything happens when it's meant to. 

[MisterM]

I have grey hairs coming out more and more nowadays, it seems every time I have a haircut more crop up, it's causing me to feel down.
A number of weeks ago my mum was talking to me and noticed some on the side of my head and made mention of it and said that no girl will ever want me.

Any guys here find love when their hair was completley grey?
I am starting to feel panic like my clock is ticking down and if I don't find someone whilst my hair is in colour I never will as my mum said.

[silverlining20]

Hi MisterM, I have been reading your posts and understand where your coming from as I'm in a very similar situation with my family. I have found out that my Mum is a narcissist and she gets pleasure from putting me down and threatening me. I have cut off all communication with her. It is painful but it's the only way to get that broken record out of your head that's always pushing you down. Its almost as if you have to grieve your mother as if she's died to you. Because as their child you naturally love them and imagine them to be without fault. But you have to realise its not you, its how they've brought you up and constantly traumatized you, to keep you under their control. Google about narcissistic parents and you'll find lots of helpful information. About grey hair- look at George Clooney! As a girl I don't judge a guy by their looks so much as their personality. I look for kindness, honesty and commitment. . Going for a walk with a dog is a great way to get outside and meet people, it breaks the ice. Hope this helps