Single mum with DV past

AnotherVoice

I’m a single mum and have experienced DV from my ex husband. We are divorced now and I have a 3yr old son who lives with me. After marriage our relationship involved a lot of fighting and my ex started to get abusive he also developed a drug addiction and things got worse after I fell pregnant. He was never there or made an effort or took on any responsibilities. He never spent time or was there since I gave birth he was on/off jobs, sleeping most of times or never home. It got to a point where the abuse became worse and was going to get physical. I really tried everything to save the marriage but nothing worked. I felt like I was walking on egg shells whenever around him and scared. I feel much better and at peace since leaving but now I think he wants to see our son and he never wanted me to leave or divorce him. He is very manipulative and controlling. I don’t feel it’s safe or comfortable him meeting our son but I know he is the father. I have no assurance he is off drugs and knowing his character I don’t think he will change as he still shows no signs of improvement and change. I still feel trauma and PTSD from the relationship and just want nothing to do with him. Are there are single mums in the same situation and what do you do in these cases. I know this stuff may involve legal steps and processes but we are just better off without someone like that in our life. I feel he will be stuck in my life forever and make it hell. I often regret my choice in marrying someone like that and having a child with them.

indigo22

Hi AnotherVoice,

Welcome to the forums, thank you for trusting us with what you have been through and are still going through.

I am so sorry to hear about how things turned out, no one should have to be afraid and on edge constantly, well done for removing yourself and your child from that environment.

To be transparent, I am not a mother but I do want to give you some support. I am wondering if you have spoken to anyone as yet about your options in terms of legal action? I imagine he would have to prove he is a fit parent to have rights, but I understand that would be another difficult ordeal to go through. I am sure you must feel you are between a rock and a hard place at present.

How serious do you feel he is in wanting to see his child? Is it perhaps just another way of trying to keep you on edge? Is he the type of person that would put up a battle to get his way? Or would he back off if things got too difficult?

I am not sure what to suggest but I will be here if you want to continue the conversation and I will do my best to support you through this.

If you haven't already done so, perhaps a call to 1800Respect may be helpful since they deal with DV on a daily basis.

1800Respect – available 24/7 – domestic violence and abuse – 1800 737 732

I hope this has been somewhat helpful.

Thinking of you with care,

indigo 💜

AnotherVoice

Hi Indigo,

thanks for your reply and giving back your advice. It’s really nice to have someone to tell this about as often I feel lonely at times. Although I do have parents and family support.

There was an IVO (family intervention violence order) in place for over a year. It recently expired so I’m not sure what’s his next move. Honestly, he has always been the lazy type and with the recent IVO case he did not show any remorse or show that he has changed or proved he is a fit parent. He instead made false accusations about me and my family. So I feel he has not changed. I feel he is doing it to keep me on edge. He has had the chance to go to court for parenting orders and initiate it himself if he really really wants to see our son and make an effort but he hasn’t done so far. He initiated mediation last year but I didn’t feel comfortable to go through that due to the recent DV experienced. He is also now getting his friends to contact me instead on private callers and they are leaving voice messages. I have blocked his friends and everyone associated with him. I’m not sure if it’s due to high legal fees that he is not initiating legal process. To be very honest I really wish he backs off because he just hasn’t been a good husband neither a good father. I’m worried he will put negative things in my son’s head.

Croix

Dear AnotherVoice~

I'd like to join Indigo in welcoming you here to the Support Forum and I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Unfortunately a certain type of person can seem great until marriage and then turns around and becomes increasingly someone else.

Please don't let that regret about choosing him lead you to think you were in any way at fault. Like so many others you would have no means of knowing how he would turn out.

Walking on eggshells is what so many have said here, him giving verbal abuse and the fear of it becoming physical would have left you no choice, not only for your own safety but that of your 3-year-old son too. It would be only natural to want things to revert to when you fit knew him and he was a reasonable person, however I'm sure you know that is not going to happen - instead you are left with the fear of the steps he might take, anger at treating you so badly and even the grief and loss of not having the mate you expected.

Misusing drugs is a problem for him, and if you can prove it might lead to only visits to his son under supervision.

Taking out an IVO was a good first step as divorce is sadly not the end of a relationship when there is a child involved. I think you are right to be apprehensive of any interaction he has with your son, not a god influence. Even as a father that does not automatically give him rights, it does give him obligations. As oyu mentioned it may well be a ploy on his part to try controlling again.

It can be very difficult to know what is the best thing to do, there is no roadmap and trying to work out the best thing by oneself can be hard and confusing, especially as there is so much at stake. Indigo suggested 1800RESPECT which is an excellent organisation and can give comfort and good advice so you know what your options are.

I'd also suggest the Women's Legal Service, who have a branch in each state and are well worth contacting. They specialize in the woman's side of DV matters. The link I've given you lists each state's office. They are very used to controlling behavior and false accusations.

I'm glad you have parents and family support, it's certainly a great help, but maybe not enough in some ways. Talking with others in the same situation and talking with those skilled in this area both add more.

You mentioned you have had bad mental health problems as a result of his behavior, if you have not already done so can I suggest you have a long consultation with you GP with a view to getting counceling or treatment? Anything that makes you cope with this better is worth while

Both @indigo22 and I would be very pleased if you came back and said how you and your son are getting on, you will be sure of a warm welcome.

Croix

indigo22

Hi again AnotherVoice,

It seems you are doing what you can to keep him at bay and if he has been lazy up to this point, perhaps he will not take things to the next level. The best you can do right now is to get a good idea of your options so you are prepared if things do escalate.

I'm sure you do feel lonely at times, this is not the life you envisioned for yourself. You can talk to us about anything as often as you wish, you don't need to go through this alone. Venting when frustrated can sometimes feel quite cathartic, I also agree with Croix that counselling will be very helpful to you if you can afford it.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo 💜

Guest_50972765

Hi Another voice,

In glad that your save and I hope today is a brighter day. I have / am going through something similar to this.

Document everything and get legal advice in regards to getting a parenting order through the court which states you are the one that cares for and has custody of your son, this is very important. Even though your protection order has ended report anything that would have breached it to the police, it’s important that there is a report documented incase you need it for future if you wanted to apply for a DVO.

This is QLD based but has lots of good information and links to resources that may be able to help you.

Therapy, talking to your GP and looking into some books about narcissistic trauma recovery has helped me wrap my head around some things.

I know it can feel lonely sometimes but you have done the right thing by I looking after yourself and your son. Lean on your close family and friends.
Wishing you all the best.