It’s been a while, I’m back worse then before (relationship etc)

Guest_10151

Hey all,

it’s been a good while since I last checked in on here (years)

for the past year I’ve been really struggling, I entered a relationship with someone over two years ago, and I thought he was my person, we shared so much similar interests, we speak the same language, we connected on a deep trauma I went through and at the time I thought he was my rock at a hard time in my life.
I wasn’t ready for a relationship at that time, but he did come around often and we ended up being what they call a situationship.

fast forward I was clear headed and ready to start a relationship with this man, I ended up telling him this, and instead of a response I got ignored. So after a couple of months, I decided to move on dating.
Strangely enough I ended up dating one of his friends, it didn’t actually take me long to work out I couldn’t date his mate as I still had feelings for him, he ended up coming back into my life this time telling me he wanted to be with me. All while finding out he had a girlfriend the whole time. (I didn’t know)

we decided to be together, we are both European so we jumped into living together. Both of us having kids from previous relationships. During this time he was still contacting his ex behind my back and then decided to spend a night at hers, took all his things without any explanation. A day after he decided to come back to explain himself, silly enough due to my feelings towards him I forgave him.

I thought it would get better but since then all he has done is uplift her. He’s belittled me, called me horrible names during arguments dog, s***, told me to k*ll myself, called me a piece of sh*t etc etc I mean it’s horrible things , he’d come up to my face, swear at me in our language when people are around, he’s taking all our joint monies in arguments, one night away he decides to call his ex again as a “friend chat”

we had NYE and an incident occurred where one of our friends (male) tapped me on the butt intoxicated, I decided to ignore it as he and the other person were intoxicated- instead of him letting it go, he found out through others and abused me infront of our mates, mostly in our language so they weren’t aware of the horrible words.

This has been most the relationship, one night he came home intoxicated and I noticed he took our monies for a 3rd time and left me and my kids with zero, I ignored it , I told him if he was to come back I wanted peace, instead he woke me up at 2am and insisted on physical intimacy and when I said no, he got me to get off “his bed” took me downstairs and got verbal again, telling me I wasn’t allowed to sleep and then woke my kids up to hurt me and take the dog (which he paid for) I decided to call police and got an avo.

he also told me if I was pregnant (which he wanted to get pregnant, to have an abortion)

this was 1 year ago. Have I moved past it all? No. I genuinely wanted to, so after a few months I took him back, this time no joint account and some boundaries, but he throws all the things he does in my face like things he buys or a bill he pays or how he is good to my kids (which he is) but that is beside the point.
he will still kick me out the bed (he purchased) he will , still be disrespectful and when I tell him how I feel nothing changes.
he even blames me for his avo, not understanding what that did to me, and on Mother’s Day weekend.

im now 15 kilos heavier, I’ve lost hours in work, I feel like I rely on him but feel trapped, I’ve lost myself, I don’t know how to process this, I’m looking for full time employment now so I can get him out my life.
everything is about how much he is doing for me, I should be greatful I don’t appreciate him, and I don’t understand it at all. I run the household still work, and it’s not good enough, he calls me a user.

He’s constantly throwing things in my face and I don’t know how to feel anymore I feel overwhelmed my driving is affected I have anxiety driving , I’m binge eating and I don’t know how to cope. I don’t have support and can’t talk to my family

Croix

Dear Dee~

Welcome back to the Forum. I'm very sorry to hear about the situation you are in and hope we can give you an outsider's view of things that helps.

To put it bluntly you are in a relationship with someone who does not care for you, abuses you, demands sex when he feels like it irrespective of your feelings, has relationships with others and abuses and insults you, on top of which he takes your money and holds the fact he has bought some things over your head.

To be constantly blamed, disrespected and abused is terribly bad for you - and also sets the worst sort of example to your children. As you say it's made you lose work, put on weight, binge eating, not driving as well as before and feel lost and trapped.

There is a very natural hope that things can go back to the time when things were good, I guess that might be part of the reason you take him back. Unfortunately I don't think that time will happen again, he's now got a taste for abusing you and treating you like dirt.

Looking for more work to be independent is a great idea, but may take a while and you realy need something now.

Trying to deal with this sort of situation is not something most people can do on their own, it takes assistance and support. Can I suggest that if you have not already done so you contact 1800RESPECT, the best place to start as they can give you advice, tell you what your options are and how to do them.

I'd also suggest that if there is any member of your family or a friend who you can talk to about this it could make a big difference. To say you are being abused is not something that comes easily, as one can feel shame, or fear of being blamed or not understood. It really needs to be to somebody that really cares for you and is on your side. Then you are no longer alone.

If you would like to come back and talk more that would be great

Croix

Guest_10151

Thank you so much for your reply! 🙂

to answer your question I have actually been talking to a friend of mine and she’s wanting me to make a plan to leave.

i also have a psychologist who knows what’s happening however i still feel trapped in my own head.

if anyone knows me, knew I wouldn’t leave the house without make up on. Nails, eating well and listening to music - i have lost all of that plus some, everything that makes me me.

Thats how I know how bad the relationship has been for me.
The only reason i have tried to fix things prior was the connection the kids all had, and I can see he wants good for my kids. I think he knows that gets me.

but im just so overwhelmed. I’m 36 and been with someone who has been the worse for my mental and emotional health. He’s grabbed me leaving bruises smashed pictures, but the emotional damage is the hardest.

im trying to get better work so i can afford to survive, my rent alone is over 800 a week.
then there’s petrol, food, insurance etc etc

i just feel like giving up sometimes because it feels so hard and out of reach so the easiest thing to do is accept what im getting and do as im told. But the depression kicks in and i try to focus on my why, which is my kids.
I want better for them, which is why i have come here for support.

i can tell he doesn’t respect me, which really hurts. And from an outsider looking in they would think he’s this great guy.
He’s pressing me for a child, he wants a joint account, and when I say no he gets so mad. I feel like I have to do whatever he wants.

im praying for a new job and my way out with my kids and im trying so hard everyday.

Croix

Dear Dee~

I'm glad you have a friend to talk to, at least you are not alone. Still it is every easy for others to say leave, I guess they don't understand that there are so many factors and it is not easy at all to go.

Obviously finances can make things seem impossible, that's why 1800RESPECT may be able to set out your options, at least that would be worth a try.

The most worrying thing is you are so close to giving up and just doing everything he says and living with whatever abuse he wants to hand you. Please don't feel bad about this. Many people in your situations do stay, or leave for a while and then come back. It might be for practical reasons, it might be becuse they are so worn down they have no confidence in themselves any more to leave and deal with everything and see it though.

Don't blame yourself. You can't judge this by normal standards, becuse in fact he has injured you, and you need to see it from that point of view. I'm not suggesting you do give up, just recognizing there are so many things that seem to stand in the way.

I think the fact you have said no to a child and no to a joint bank account is a really great thing and I hope you stick by it both for yourself and also for the welfare of any child he wants. It is possible he only wants the child anyway to trap you further.

The fact you have said no is something you can draw strength from the next time you need to refuse something.

Maybe I'm a non-trusting sort however I can see that his interest in the kids may be genuine, but then again it might just be a way of pressing your buttons and attempting to control you.

Whatever you decide to do we will be behind you

Croix