Business and Marriage Failure

Cookedgoose54

My husband is sending us bankrupt, we have 4 kids (17, 15, 13, 10) and have been together 34 years (married for 28) - he has a business that has been failing for approx 5 years, has put is into heaps of debt, poured over $200k of personal funds into it, and won't act on anything to remedy the situation

He has a failing business, isn't contributing to the family income, is aggressive when I brings it up and keeps bringing up things from my past before we were even together - he's never been physically violent but can be verbally aggressive and he's making no attempt to change his business, sell assets or find a job

He apologises one minute and says things will get better/customer will pay, then the next minute when I ask him whether he's able to contribute financially to the household income this week he sends awful text messages and calls me names

He has now asked for a separation and when I agreed his whole attitude changed and he started selling assets which he would keep anyway if we separated - I am very confused and hurt that he would do this now, whilst not when we were still "together" in order to protect the family unit financially so that we were secure in our home (am now having to potentially sell, and haven't told the children yet) - he also seems almost cheerful about it, I asked yesterday why now, why sell things now, why not do it before to save us, but feel like a little piece of me believes that perhaps he is happy to be done with the relationship and the pressure, which makes me angry that he would throw it all away

I think he would stay together if I asked (he asked yesterday whether I wanted to try and make it work) but I said that I can't tolerate the aggressive / abusive behaviour every time he feels under pressure or wants to have a go at me for something and don't want to put up with this for another 10 years (I found a text from 10 years ago with the same vitriolic rant that he sent last week) when I am too old to get myself setup again with the kids

I feel for the kids, but don't think it's enough to keep us together - am I doing the right thing holding strong and separating, uprooting the kids from their family home and from their current life, or should I stick with him (despite not feeling anything for him other than anger, resentment, fear and irritation) to keep the family unit together ?

white knight

Hi, welcome

This is a difficult one and you're in quite a bind.

I do strongly believe professional help in the forms of couples counselling and financial advisor are advisable and furthermore invite him once, if he doesnt go then go alone. Also a family solicitor for where you stand with property..it would depend on who's names are on the house title, cars etc. Bankruptcy goes for 3 years, all assets are sold amd divided among financier's. Loans for essentials can be sort like white goods.

It gets tricky with businesses, is his business a company? If it is then you might be able to keep your home, thats why a financial adviser is essential to ascertain your position, take along all relevant items, profit and loss and assets. Perhaps they can put the writing on the wall. I'm a little surprised you haven't engaged in these people before now, as a couple in business professional advice is wise.

I dont know what if any mental health issue he might have that keeps him doggedly determined to be successful, however what you do know is its essential he be respectful of your anxiety and discomfort they way he's treating you.

You could, if his business is a company, simply refuse to contribute financially anymore and ensure he has no access to your family income, either way action is needed and you are the one to do it. Third parties like mentioned above make it much easier.

Financial matters and unresponsive partners can place enormous pressure on us, see your GP for a chat.

TonyWK