Should I leave?

[Bluefire]

I'm considering right now leaving my husband who I have been with for 19 years. Yesterday by chance I happened to see him parked a few suburbs away from home (after finishing work in the city) and walk into a seedy thai massage parlour, I was completely shocked and tried to call him but he refused to answer I waited in the carpark and missed him coming back a different way but I called him again to see if he would lie as he was late home and we had places to be. He lied and then continued to lie, which is what he does, He's never admitted anything even when I've seen things with my own eyes. Now there has been a lot of lies over the years which I've known 100% are lies and I guess because I love him so much I've stored them away, I've never forgiven or forgotton but just stored them. over the years his affection has dropped off and he isn't interested in sex (very rarely) he says he has low sex drive and that it's him not me. lately he's been quite nasty and angry in the way he talks to me and over the years (when drunk) always threatens to leave me and that he's not happy - I've always questioned this the next day and he denies he feels this way? I'm very confused and it will be difficult to leave due to finances/ properties etc and I've always ended up staying but things aren't getting better, I don't trust him, I can't rely on him and he shows no interest in doing fun things with me much these days he just does the things he likes - alone. I've told him I want to leave and and first he was angry now he says he loves me and always will and wants to support me even when I go - I feel like he'll never change and I've invested nearly 20 years into this relationship - do I leave?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I cant advise on way or the other. We are peer advisers to mental health. A relationship counselor is more appropriate.

However, you can weigh up your values, your tolerance in him lying and other issues. I think by reminding yourself -

" I feel like he'll never change and I've invested nearly 20 years into this relationship"

You might be better off saying

"20 years wasted...do I stay and make it 60 years wasted or find enjoyment with the next 40 years"?

I dont doubt he loves you. Usually live isnt enough for partners. Trust, values, boundaries and emjoying life together....just as a start.

I hope you find peace. In the very least I'd attend a relationship counselor...alone if I had to.

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello Bluefire, and a warm welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry for what has been happening as it's very disappointing as trust can outweigh the love we have for someone.

I can't say what you should do but as you have finances and properties together still doesn't mean that you can't leave him, because your trust has been broken.

When he has been drinking alcohol, he will say what he thinks he should be doing, but the next day it's all forgotten, sometimes this is true, otherwise, it's still remembered, but as you have caught him doing other 'activities' and him denying this, is a problem.

To answer your question, this concern won't go away and I would be going to see a solicitor for your own health.

I'm sorry to be so straight forward but have known problems like this are difficult to resolve.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Bluefire]

Thank you Tony, for your reply. I think my gut is telling me the right thing to do and I need to listen (this time) too many lies and chances - I think I deserve happiness.

[Bluefire]

Hi Geoff, thank you very much - I'm a direct person myself - I need to trust my gut - it's almost alway right! You can only give so many chances and I'm sick of being lonely in my relationship.

[geoff]

Hi Bluefire, thanks for getting back to us, and what you have just said means your gut will tell you what to do, and yes, how many chances do you allow.

Please let us know what you intend to do, I'd be interested.

Best wishes.

Geoff.