Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

I imagine it would have been challenging and I think there are certain times in your life where a move like this would make more sense. I think it has come at a very awkward period of my life where I am still uncertain as to if I am going to actually achieve this goal.

I am happy to hear about your story. It does sound like a lot of effort to get there and I hope it does go well in the future.

I am not trying to sound difficult or anything like that but the way you described how to reveal it is actually what I do. I don't jump straight into it and try to keep it light hearted and positive. The way I describe it is always through a positive lens and it has lead to the other person actually opening up and revealing their troubles as well. I had someone open up about their 10 year long battle with social anxiety! It's just when we get to the end of the first date, it always falls apart. I like to think all my dates are pretty fun and relaxed.

I think it comes down to a few things but essentially we are seeing more and more people with no patience or resilience. If something is too hard, people just give up rather than try to work through it. I am a secondary school teacher and I see this every day. You see in real time when students disengage or you see students just have meltdowns over little things. I think people in their 20s are no different. No one has the patience to see things through or problem solve. And being a man who has pragmatic language deficits in a conservative dating market essentially means you are screwed because the expectation is you are expected to lead. 

I hope this doesn't sound negative or anything. It's just I have tried a lot of things over the years and never had a great deal of success. I think part of the problem is that I am not taken seriously by anyone either.

[Skary Bill]

You don't sound negative or difficult at all mate.   I hope you don't feel that I've sold you short in my various ramblings.   You are clearly a thoughtful guy, who's giving this a red hot go.  

You are spot on about the social skills of the last few generations.  I host large game servers, so I deal with a lot of people through those age groups, and amongst other concerns, I worry that many youngsters these days lack the language skills to actually describe what they're thinking to a peer.   It's scary. The ability to convey complex thoughts to each other is one of the things that distinguishes us from the rest of the Apes.  And when they give up online, they just lean into their anonymity and behave like trolls.

I assume you're not limiting yourself to the conservative dating market?  Just still looking for alternatives.. Like you're not too old to take up fire twirling and go to bush doofs.  😛  

Ever so curious as to your thoughts on what might be going wrong at the end of dates.. Any clues?  Patterns?

[Azzdog]

No it’s all good, I didn’t think you were at all. It’s just hard to convey meaning on an internet forum where things can get lost in translation. 

It’s very concerning to be honest. At some point these young people will become tax paying citizens who will be voting and leading this country at some point. At the moment they can barely engage with tasks without wanting to quit after 5 minutes. I think we are seeing this now in being in your 20s and trying to make friends or have a relationship. People honestly don’t know how to build things anymore and would rather have someone else do all the work for them. 

Oh no haha I meant more in the vein of there is this expectation that men have to take the lead or make the initiative and I think this is a gender role that men are now objecting to. 

Honestly I don’t know. I don’t think I do anything wrong or say the wrong things. Maybe I could do more right things but I’m someone who doesn’t really feel anything on a first date, particularly with a stranger. The only times I’ve made it past a first date are with people I’ve met in the “real world”. 

What kind of games do you host on servers? 

[james1]

Hey Aazdog,

It is very frustrating to feel like the date has gone well, only to then hear the opposite from the other side. That must feel very confusing and disempowering.

I hope you don't mind if I do a detour.

Sometimes we get what we want and realise it kind of sucks. Like I'm 'happily' single now for 7 years, after being completely burnt out by relationships. 'Happily' because I now have all the personal time I ever wanted and don't get interrupted by other people, but I've also never been so emotionally isolated. So day-to-day it's great... but I feel very walled in. 

My take from this is that I'm 31 and still am nowhere near the end of my personal discovery journey. I probably know barely anything about what I need in my relationships. But I've learnt to better enjoy the temporary connections I make in the meantime, and I think that helps.

Back to you. We've been speaking for years on and off about going on dates, wanting connections, and the struggle to understand what the other person wants. During that time, you've done a lot of work to improve your social skills and gained a LOT of perspective, understanding, and experience. None of which seem to have helped you achieve your goal of having a partner. I wonder if you have any thoughts on that?

James

[Skary Bill]

Tax paying you reckon?   I admire your optimism 😄  We can only hope... lol  At the point where AI replaces office workers and robots replace manual and skilled laborers.   I don't know what these kids are going to do for a living.

For me it's not so much having to be the one to make the first move, but the opportunities to do so are few and far between, and the competition is fierce.   I hope you find a bunch of IRL ladies in Melb mate.

Won't go into specifics. But I have hosted many things over the years.. Built up and sold on a couple of game specific hosting co.'s along the way. It's all a bit on the backburner currently, until I can hoist my satt dish a little higher in the forest to maintain a stable connection to the servers.  I currently have a couple of zombie survival RP servers on one box, and a car racing/hooning/drifting server on another.  They don't require a lot of moderation, so I'm just letting them roll.   My hobby is developing 3d assets for game engines and coding them to work well in game etc..  

[Azzdog]

Hi James,

Good to hear from you. In regards to what you said toward the end of your post, it made me feel really sad. That's not your fault so please don't think that. It's just I have also been thinking about that too and I have realised that I have been posting on here, on and off, for 5 years. What do I have to show for it? It makes me want to cry.

On one hand, I could make a solid argument that I have learnt absolutely nothing. I still have no idea why all these dates never go that far. I have done a tremendous amount of work on myself to get to this point and I still have no idea what to do on a date. I have no idea how to communicate effectively with women and I am completely at a loss.

I feel like I have had some good advice over the years coupled with some really dreadful advice too. I find people in relationships to be very dismissive and have very blasé views on this. I have been working on myself for well over a decade now and still don't know what to do. 

On the other hand I think I have had some worthwhile experience that has helped me get to the point where I am today. I don't know, I feel very lost and uncertain about the future.

Hey Bill,

At my previous job, they were just starting to automate the production process so I got out of there at the right time. We are seeing more examples of AI in the classroom which could have big ramifications over the next few years.

I think it is a problem though. More men are getting out of the dating scene due to dating fatigue and burnout. The main thing they say is being the one who always has to initiate and getting rejected all the time is the reason why they are checking out. 

Oh wow, that is really cool! How long have you been doing all of that?

[Azzdog]

Thought I would post another update here as it has been a while.

I have been on a few dates over the past 6 months of so. None have progressed beyond a first or second date. I am genuinely scared now. I have no idea what I am doing wrong or how to improve my situation. The feedback I get is always vague and it is never actionable either. 

I just feel so sad and miserable.

[P12]

Good evening Azzdog.

I too like to have a connection with another person, but I have found difficulty achieving it. I found that it was more sustainable to develop a connection with God and nature. I like spending time with them because I can exert my love of them and feel their love in return. The best strategy I have devised to develop a more human connection is to use my imagination. I see hundreds of people in my daily life. Occasionally some people will speak with me briefly. I can use my imagination to picture them as my friends, or combine the parts of those who resonate with me. Sadly, I think that modern society has exhausted much of the physical world, and that many people are forced to seek intellectual satisfaction instead.

I guess my suggestions are probably not what you want to hear, but they are the best solutions I have developed for some of the challenges I have faced.

From P12.

[james1]

Hello Aazdog,

I'm sorry it made you feel sad, but I'm glad you put some thought into it anyway. It can be hard to look at these things so directly.

Perhaps the two sides you pointed out each have some truth.

You said "I have had some worthwhile experience that has helped me get to the point where I am today." This is something to really hold onto. I understand it can feel like a failure when you're still single, but I guess that's the difficulty when we are focussed on the end result. Any setback can hit us really hard, and cause the good times to fall away. Rather than fond memories, we just have bitter ends.

You've been working at yourself for such a long time with the goal to get into a long term relationship with someone else. It feels like the goal is getting in the way of you truly experiencing happiness and joy in the growth you've made as a person. It would be nice if there was a way you could still be yourself, but also find joy in your personal growth, unaffected by what happens with your dates.

I really love what P12 has said about their similar challenge and how they've tried to overcome it. I'm actually quite similar. I was really struggling to date and eventually gave up. Instead, I've put all my love and effort into my growing animal family, and it really has helped me. Of course I'm sad that I can't seem to find anyone who wants to be in a relationship with me, but I have my animals and that is honestly all the love I need.

James