Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

I had two dates in three days a few weeks ago. Essentially I got the feedback from them that they didn't feel any vibes and didn't want to pursue anything.

I think this is partly why I feel so misunderstood and so incapable. I honestly feel like I was so expressive on both of those dates, a testament to how far I have come in regards to expression. Yet I still am none the wiser as to why these dates failed.

I really need help on this.

[Azzdog]

I am really trying but I feel like no one is listening to me. I have no capacity to socialise and I feel like everyone hates me and no one values me at all. Why does everyone hate me?

[Azzdog]

I keep talking to people on the support network here but no one is really listening to me. I desperately need help for my language deficit and my social cue problems and I am getting nowhere. just listen to me

[Skary Bill]

Hey Azzdog,

I haven't read this whole thread, but I got the beginning and your recent update.  You've done amazing things my guy.  And the fact that you're getting dates puts you well ahead of a whole bunch of men out there today.    I've got a few thoughts.  But I'm no expert, just a guy walking a very similar path, but about twice your age.  

I spent my life having no idea why I was so different, and just this year get diagnosed on the Autism spectrum. I find a lot of your traits very relatable.  Except, I think you will find some of the ones you have in the liability column are actually assets to the right woman.  The trick is finding the right one.

My advice is work on yourself, and get under your big brain and look at the animal underneath.  We are not so far removed from the animals around us, and the same hormones and pheromones and visual cues are all in play.  What you are missing mate is confidence.  And that inevitably impacts the way you hold yourself.. The way you walk and talk.  You need to learn to like yourself, or how can you convince someone else to?  Learn to value what you bring to a friendship or more. And start playing from your strengths, not your weaknesses.

It's not an overnight solution.. But it's a good path.  You can get confidence from the gym or jogging trail, being good at your hobbies.  Sitting up straight and standing tall.  You don't need a lot.. Just a bit of pep in your step to start with.   

With the dates.. less is more.  Be interesting.. But don't play all your cards.    Most importantly, be a good listener. If you can get a nice lady to be chatty with you, you're going in the right direction.   
I know I've gone full coach on ya bud, but one last thing.   Look for a woman you like.  Don't just be randomly on the hunt for anyone who will look at you.  Women can sense that from a mile off.   Play it cool dude.  Best of luck..

[Azzdog]

Hi Skary Bill,

Thanks for the message, I do appreciate you taking the time to write a message to me.

I do understand what you are saying and it is something I am trying to do right now. I am watching what I am eating at the moment and trying to eat more vegetables and fruit. I have been exercising more and have developed a resistance program that I have been doing every second day. I am trying to better on myself every day.

I do hear what you are saying about confidence. I would argue I have worked incredibly hard on myself to get myself to the point I am today. It has been difficult and I feel like I have worked a lot harder to get to the same point as everyone else. 

I do like myself, I am just introverted who lacks understanding on social cues and doesn't have great understanding of how to express myself through pragmatic language. That's why I feel like I will always struggle in this area. 

I am investing time in my hobbies, as much as I can despite how much my job takes up my time. I just feel like I am misunderstood in the sense that I need time to get to know. You are not going to get to know me in 40 minutes (which is what one date did to me a few weeks ago).

I think confidence is important but I don't think it is the main issue. I am just someone who is routinely misunderstood all the time.

[Skary Bill]

Fair enough mate.  Yeah to be fair, I think the current dating scene is tough. I doubt I could make much of an impression in 40 mins.     Really glad to hear you have some confidence and like yourself.  That's great man.  You are putting in the work.  

What about options for getting to know some women before you date?   Any shared hobby or interest potential?   And I wondered if taking up another language might be a way to chat with others studying english, as both parties would be learning, leaving normal social cues less relevant than normal. 

[Azzdog]

The most annoying thing about it was that I was very upfront about that I am shy and take a bit of time before I feel comfortable around someone. I felt I did that assertively and was owning my difficulties. That's what made it hurt the most. I just felt misunderstood, like I always have since my teens.

I am currently living in the country though I will be moving back to Melbourne at the end of the year. I have tried to do a variety of things but some of the stuff I wanted to do was either at unfortunate times or just didn't happen. I have tried learning a language in the past and have been thinking about taking it back up again. I like playing guitar and do want to form a band with others. That has been very difficult to do up here.

[Skary Bill]

I wonder if you could finesse your up front disclosure..   The heart of the issue is that you're a bit nervous..  So you could tell her that.   Or take it a step further, if you've only ever seen this person in photo's before, you might tell her that you're a bit nervous because she's prettier face to face..    The sort of lady you're looking for would likely appreciate a little compliment like that.     And it's important to remember, she's probably a bit nervous meeting a new person too. Most people are. 

It's the same message, just different packaging and timing.   I'm concerned your current package looks like a box wrapped in fragile tape..   Where what you should aim for is to lead with your confidence, and when the right moment presents, offer a glimpse of your vulnerability, whilst keeping things light and fun.   If you can make a strong start, the conversations that ensue will present opportunities to share more about yourself. 

But the battle is not finding someone to listen, the challenge is getting someone to open up and talk to you by helping them to feel comfortable.  I really think the understanding you desire might be a second date goal.  You want to lead with interesting and fun vibes.

I'm in the bush near a little country town myself. I actually really like the small town people and feel of the place.   But yeah, limited dating options for a guy your age.  Moving to the big smoke is going to vastly improve your options.  Hoping you get another date and have a win soon mate.  

[Azzdog]

Hi Bill,

Sorry for not responding yesterday. I am currently in the process of packing up and moving and I am trying to put things away in boxes.

Are you originally from the country? I feel like you need to be from the country to become fully integrated in it. I have tried but everything seems to be cliquey out here. Everyone seems to have known each other for years and here I am trying to come in and squeeze into that.

I hear what you are saying and I do agree with you. My main reason as to why I do it is because I genuinely have difficulty with social cues and it's my way go getting on top of it. I have a deficit in pragmatic language and I want to make sure that it is nipped in the bud at the start. I tend to be more literal in my thinking (another sign I have autism) and I am quite transparent. It is also to stop these really short dates (like the 40 minute I said earlier) from happening. I am slow to get to know because that's how my brain is wired and how I function. 40 minutes will not allow you to get to know me on that level.

I have barely made it to a second date in my life. Honestly sometimes a second date feels like what it is like to walk on the moon... I have never been to the moon and have no idea what it would be like. 

I think online dating is absolutely trash and doesn't suit someone like me. The thing is due to my lack of social skills and capacity to socialise, what other options do I have here in the country? Back in Melbourne there will be more options. 

[Skary Bill]

I'm a city boy who has been lucky enough to spend a fair bit of time in the country before finally moving here.  But you're right..  Little towns and communities are just notoriously cliquey. It's taken me the better part of 3 years to feel like a local.  Boy it's nice to be inside that bubble.. Friendly waves and chats wherever you go.  But it sure did take a lot of effort to earn my local card..   

 After a very long time alone, I have by some miracle, managed to catch the eye of a lovely sweet lady.  I joined a community art project at the beginning of the year.  (totally new hobby for me) I never thought I had a chance, so I just got to know her as a friend with a shared interest.   And the more I got to know her, the more I wanted to.   So one day, not long ago, I summoned the courage to pay her a cheeky compliment and ask if she could ever be into me.   I expected to be sent straight to the friend zone.  But instead she smiled and blushed and gave me a hug.  We've been on a couple of dates now and things are going well.     So there ya go, my solution to the 40min problem only took 11 months, quite a lot of energy, a moment of bravery and a whole lotta luck. 

Now.. I'm picking up what you're putting down..  But at the risk of harping.   The leading with a negative just will not get you a result I fear.. It could even be the second thing you say but it can't be the first. You need to open with a positive.  And you need to provide the mood lightener to go with your disclosure. 

For example..  I'm so excited to meet you..  (excitement is a positive)   That's why I'm a bit nervous and may be a bit awkward with social cues..     But then make it a question instead of a statement and invite her to the conversation.  Finish with I hope that's ok.    If you're lucky, she may even share some vulnerability with you too.  And then you've got that in common.

You need to know that you're not that different to other guys mate.  Other than a handful of Alpha Chads out there.  Most guys have trouble with social cues from women, and everyone is nervous on a first date. I appreciate it feels more profound for you than most, and I know disclosure is part of your coping mechanism. But I urge you to put your mind to work thinking of another way.  A friendship will form around what you have in common, despite what sets you apart.

Anyway,  best of luck with the packing and moving. It always manages to be a big job.  Hopefully it's a nice smooth move for you.     

Cheers,  Bill.