Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron (and a wave to Tim and Mitch, welcome back Mitch).

Your reply to me I found very curious/interesting/confusing (not entirely sure how it made me feel).

I can understand being traumatised and not wanting to return to a psychiatrist. But also I see a lot of generalisations and can't help but wonder if you are holding yourself back from seeking help. For example saying people with lots of experience with sex have a shallow perspective.

I don't think that is entirely accurate. I saw a documentary once about escorts specialising in clients with a disability. I found it eye opening listening to this woman talk about how her role was to help people (both male and female clients) learn to feel comfortable with their sexuality.

Likewise my psychiatrist believes medication serves a purpose... To get you to a mental state where therapy, self help etc are able to be effective. Do you think part of the problem with feeling dismissed could be the psychiatrists seeing your problem as requiring a sex therapist or similar?

I saw your reply/wish to Mitch's question and it struck me as concerning. You mention not wanting to respond to sexual and romantic feelings. But they are normal and healthy feelings to have. It reminded me of when you were upset and talking about self-harm. This doesn't feel like a healthy approachto take. Maybe a sex therapist is a good idea.

I hope you managed to get some sleep and today has been a little better.

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I thought I should mention I don't have ASD specifically, I just have traits of ASD which means social situations can be very confusing and hard to navigate.

I hope to get to the other side of the bridge someday. I am not sure if I ever will but you never know.

Hey Quercus,

Like I have said previously, I have tried to ask for help. Many times particularly over the past couple of years. I have found that some people don't really know what to say and tend to just dismiss any concerns I have with the old adage "you are young you will find someone someday". That quote shows me that they have not listened to whatever I have said. It is such a cliche. Some people can have a shallow perspective. If it is something that has happened a lot to you you can take it for granted. Some people have shown an understanding about my predicament but others just often don't have anything to say.

I know you have had different experiences with psychiatrists but medication has had a largely negligible effect on me. I have been on and off medication for the past 7 years and it has barely registered within me. Some of us just don't react to meds and when I tell them that they don't seem to be able to offer anything else. I have gotten more help from social workers and occupational therapists than psychiatrists. Because they are more real and have a greater capacity to show empathy and want to be more connected with you.

I don't know if I should see a sex therapist really. What would they offer that a psychologist can't?

I am not sure if my sexual and romantic feelings are normal. Because they have destroyed my life, destroyed friendships, made me an angry hopeless mess, and if I try to rectify the problem, women just stone cold reject me in brutal and heartless ways. I don't want them anymore because I now know officially that they are not feelings I am allowed to have. A lobotomy is beginning to sound more appealing. I am not a man, I am not human, and from what I see in the way people treat me, I am not allowed to exist.

Society has failed young men.

I have failed to be a human.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

My own experiences with psychologists and psychiatrists has been good also. But I am aware this is not the case for everyone. My psychologist told me a story about the sheep finding/making a different path to a gate at the other end of the paddock. And ultimately it is about the changing the way we (or I) think about things, and whether we (I) use the same old path we are used to, or forge a new path. Of course there are many obstacles to overcome when creating that new path.

You might we wondering why I am telling you this... Depending on how long things have been problematic for a person can have an effect on how long it would take to create the new pathway. Lets just say that for myself, I have been using that old path for about 25/30+ years. Creating the new path will take time. And there will still be times when the old path gets used. So please be a little patient with yourself?

In your reply to Q you also said that some people had nothing to say. Once when I had a similar experience, and there was a moment of silence I asked the other person "don't you have anything to say". They replied they were listening and learning. Saying nothing can be better than "Oh, things will get better". If they dont know what to say, then trying to say something helpful could make the situation worse?

Finally, and I hope this comes out OK. It is also related to positive statements I made in a prev. post.

You said ... "I have failed to be a human".

Last year, and each day, I would to write down things to look forward to. Something I had to do every day of the week. And it is not easy when you are feeling down or low. On my low days, the first thing that might come to mind was "death", and I would write that down. Not very positive is it! But what I worked out or did was to cross out that word and put the opposite word down. In my case I replaced death with life. Sometimes that little action can make us feel a little better about ourselves if only for a minute or two. I am going to rewrite your last sentence, if that is OK...

You are a [deserving and] achieving human.

Tim

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron (Nat and Tim too).

I like what you said here Aaron: "I would change the effect my sexual and romantic thoughts have on me"

Because this is something that I have had to do as well. It's taken me a fair amount of time. I must say too, that once I started to change the effect this had on me, my overall health and emotional wellbeing improved so much.

Out of interest, what do you do for work where the radio is on all the time?

But back to what I was saying, you know one that really worked for me was a kind of purging of all forms of stimulation and procrastination. Put simply, I got rid of all the things that were causing me angst or anger or depression. There was a lot of things I got rid of. But then there were a couple of things I needed to keep that still gave me some negative feelings, so I had to learn how to mange those on top of everything else.

I more or less put relationships and intimacy in a box and put that box on the shelf. I didn't destroy the box or chuck it out. I just placed it on the shelf. What I found was that I stopped caring what others thought. This was a huge step up for me because I always used to care. I really just realised that there is simply no pleasing some people. No matter what you do. I think that it needs to be said. Call me harsh if need be. But I do find that there seems to be a lot of placating and over concern for how others will take us as we are. If people can't accept who we are (specifically in this case, single and virgin) then whose problem is it really? Like really? It's so bizarre to get upset by something that someone else does.

Approaching life with a healither outlook and attitude. Yes. I agree.

Those feelings you mention that you struggle to express I can sympathise with. Have you found ways that might work? Where you can do that?

I have found that meetup is good for that. I am at the point where I don't go much anymore though because I prefer to do very little. I guess it's a case of expending energy and emotional investment wisely.

I actually am trying to do about three things at once in terms of my career lately. I ended up getting back in contact with a colleague but it's almost like I'm not welcome back. Managing this has been a challenge but I think it's a worthwhile challenge. If it gets too much then I can just leave. That's the benefit. But it gives me a bit of grief. So again, I think it comes back to "pick your battles"

Take care man

[Azzdog]

I have officially died on the inside.

I have been thinking about climate change and how various places in the world that were once inhabitable, are now uninhabitable. It serves us right. We have utterly destroyed this planet. The only place we call home and we have destroyed it.

I don't try to please anyone, I just try to be the best person for them when they need me. It turns out that MOST PEOPLE USE ME. I get angry because they have all the girlfriends and what the hell do I have to show for it all? It is more than just pleasing people. It turns out you have to just accept that others will never care for you and will just walk over you to get what they want.

I have no friends and I have no one to share my life with. Most people who have responded here do, all my family does. most of the people I went to school with do... SO WHY CANT I?!?!?!?

Quercus, you say to me that having romantic and sexual feelings are healthy to have. I want you to read my entire story again and then come back and tell me that. Do you really think its healthy for me? If I can't end my life then why can't I get a lobotomy? It might make all women feel safer knowing that I can't act on those thoughts anymore. Maybe they'll build statues for me? Declare me a hero for vanquishing the disgusting, deplorable, sickening, horrible, pathetic thoughts I have of just wanting to be loved. I only want what you have. But my experience with women tells me otherwise.

If only everyone had seen what I had been through. If only others knew what I had sacrificed for them. But noooooo.

I am still seriously thinking of self-harm. I don't deserve to be called a man. I am a disgusting and deplorable homosapien.

The reason I get really angry is because I have no friends, I try my best and get rejected by everyone and I am not allowed the resolutions I want just so I can see justice being served. NO ONE HAS EVER CARED ABOUT ME. EVER.

[Azzdog]

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

It is true that none of us truly know what you have been through or are going through, and that might be a limitation of this space, but there are a few of us here who do genuinely care about you. And in your recent replies to me, you have indicated that you are aware of the gap between where you are and where you want to be and using the analogy of the bridge, we can talk together to the other side, and that also means walking through the ups and downs.

I am sure there are many here who might like to go back to some point in time and change how things turned out for ourselves. And sometimes we have to work out how to deal with the cards we are dealt. And there are times when people have to make hard choices. Most problems have solutions. Having someone you can talk to when things are not right or down, to help you through the bad times...

I still have my safety plan. And that also includes lifeline and 000. My plan might be simplistic but it is effective for me. My point is this, while you might think this, you are not alone. At least not here. Help us understand.

Tim

[Azzdog]

I still think the way people have talked to me about having sexual and romantic thoughts and feelings and saying they are healthy is a mark of privilege. IVE LIVE AN AROMANTIC LIFE. I don’t want these thoughts anymore. Because whenever I act on them, I get rejected. Time and time and time and time and time again. You are unlikely to find someone who has a better understanding of himself and the world at this age but nah “he doesn’t drink alcohol and he listens to weird music and he is an shy piece of crap”.

Most problems have solutions... does mine? Probably not. I’m a disgusting, deplorable, pathetic, ugly, horrible excuse for a human. I know that through all the interactions I have had with women.

I don’t know how to help others to understand. Because people still show their privilege and still show degrees of ignorance over the battles that us single bastards have to go through. What more can I say?

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

While your circumstances might be different, I want to introduce you to another user on the forum...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/dont-know-what-to-do-trigger-warning-sexual-abuse-#qs2Yo3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

The person is a similar age to you and also a virgin. I wonder if you could read their post and perhaps reply.

The other thing I would like to ask you is ... if I wrote the above post, how do you think you would respond to me? What would you say to me? It would also be possible that some of the people you were chatting with were not looking for a long term relationship?

Are you still going to the GROW group? Are there people in that group you are forming friendships with? Is that something you have considered?

You also mentioned about being shy. I am (/have been) the same. That feeling where you don't know what to say to the other person regardless of their gender. So starting conversations can be problematic. And yet, I have found that throwing out a random question like "which flavour of ice cream is the best?" can stimulate a conversation. Or you could ask "Bob Dylan vs Justin Beiber - who has more talent?".

These are all steps on the bridge to cross. Small steps get us closer to the other side?

Tim

[HamSolo01]

Hey Azzdog.

I think what Nat is touching on has more to do with self-help and seeking guidance than it does about what others are doing or saying. Hear me out on this one if you would.

I get that seeing a psychiatrist has not been positive for you in the past. In my experience, the worst experience I had was seeing a psychologist who flat out refused to let me speak about religion and how that environment was a negative experience on me. Rather than explore that, she flat out refused to engage. She was religious needless to say. Now. After that experience I had two options. Either, quit seeing her and go somewhere else OR quit altogether and never see a psychologist again. Note how none of the two options incorporated taking her advice on board - either way I wasn't going to see that individual person.

I can't characterise an entire profession over the unprofessionalism of one individual. Rather than worry about trying to bridge that gap, I went elsewhere. This event was 2 years or so ago now, and the new psych? I still see him when I need - roughly once a month.

There's a lot you mention on these forums. I can sense the anger and frustration - having been there myself. Even having still experienced it lately, albeit in different forms. Most recently someone who I thought was going to help me on my careerpath ended up spurting out all this criticism about why I was doing things wrong - even when I had vague instructions. Almost insulting isn't it? The response I had? Similar. Either characterise all people on the behaviour of one, or move elsewhere. As yet I haven't decided on that front. Anyway. Enough about me.

Back to you good sir! I'm wondering what you think you should about the situation. You are perceptive enough to know the cause so I wonder if you know (or can at least speculate) as to what the solution might be?

Some have mentioned sex therapists, others escorts, others psychologists. I think it's clear you are unhappy with the current predicament you are in. You want to solve it. It's like a thorn in your side right?

Well, I'm interested in hearing what you think you can do - that doesn't involve trying to change people around you, but changing yourself or your perception of yourself.

I can tell you now, you aren't gross or disgusting or horrible or any of those things. Don't even entertain those ideas. It's bulls*** my friend.