Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

You have to support the home team. No?

When you spoke of yourself as an old soul, my thought was ... this is the stuff that makes you an interesting person, not boring at all. And perhaps the bridge between initiating contact and friendship/relationship is what you are seeking. If you drank, and I know you don't, you sound like my brother in terms of your interests. He would much rather listen to Bob Dylan than .... He slags off at celebrities these days. You would be able to talk about parallels between history and current events.

(A friend can talk to some total stranger for less than 5 minutes, and in that time will get your business card, and have arranged a meeting to discuss ideas, and their latest best friend etc. This is something I could never do)

If you are stuck ruminating on things, listen to an audio book, or do a puzzle of sorts to get stop those thoughts?

Can I ask if the Grow group has 2 or 3 books that cover their rules, and guidelines etc. The name sounded similar to something my dad attended once. Just curious. And if you like this group, and can stick with it, you might get the tools to make that bridge I mentioned at the top of this post?

Don't sell yourself short, you are a very interesting person,

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

Well you can support you want. And look, its probably better to be a Brisbane supporter that a North supporter right now. The talent runs deeper at Brisbane I think.

I like to think that as well. I guess some of it does rub people the wrong way and I guess it can seem intimidating coming across someone who has a strong sense of self. I say that because that's how I have felt in the past with others. Your brother sounds like a pretty cool guy haha

That bridge you talk about is a good insight. I had an ASD assessment which highlighted the fact that I find any kind of human connection really confusing. I don't know how they work and find them to overwhelming to want to initiate them. That is a Catch 22 which explains why I get stuck a lot.

Grow does have a book and guidelines by which they follow. I have a copy of it which has various bits of advice and guidance for various different perspectives.

Thanks Tim, that is something I do notice that I do sometimes.

[Azzdog]

I have stumbled across something that I think will be very helpful for me to deal with strong emotional thoughts. I have started to read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius who was a Roman emperor in the second century AD. He followed a stream of philosophy called Stoicism and his work is considered to be a landmark work of Stoic philosophy. Here is one quote that I thought was profound.

"Ignoring what goes on in other people's souls - no one ever came to grief that way. But if you won't keep track of what your own soul's doing, how can you not be unhappy?"

Bloody oath, Marcus. Bloody oath.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

I wrote a post from home on my phone, but the Internet crapped itself 😞

So I will have to rewrite from memory...

Sometimes it can be a case of how we say things. You said that you can come across as intimidating. Might not be the best example but rather than saying...

"I think the music is bad and has no meaning"

you could say...

"I find more meaning and emotion in songs from the 60s and 70s"

The meaning can be the same, but rather than describing a negative, talk about a positive.

As far as the bridge is concerned, that might me something you could talk with your friends about. Have a chat about chatting/talking. Ask questions. Reflect on what they say. And next time, ask more questions. Skills are not master overnight. There was a guy on Youtube who was talking about making a crossover cable. He said that it first took him 10 goes til he got it right. Brene Brown talked about some guy who made some medical device and the first one he made failed. Apparently took him 32 goes to get it right. And while I (and you?) don't like it, being vulnerable and accepting failure is what allows us to grow? In this way, your friends might be able to help you cross that bridge?

Happy Easter,

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I think that is a great way of looking at it. Rather than look down on something else, I should promote and emphasise what I LIKE. I think that is something I will continue.

I'm not sure if its the asking questions that I have a problem with per se. I think my problem is that I find it hard to express myself properly. I don't know how to articulate it properly and that's where the ASD trait comes in to play. I have never been allowed to do that at high school (or that is how I perceived it).

I hope you have a good Easter too.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

Good luck with looking at the positives if what you like. I say that as I tend to dwell on the negative side of things.

You felt you were not able to express yourself at high school. Were you excluded from things? Or is it (also) a case of know what is or not appropriate?

I would typically be picked near last when it came to sporting activities. Didn't talk very well with girls either. But I was a shy and protected child, if that last bit makes sense.

You may have extra hurdles to overcome, but with groups like grow and the other interactions you have will be able to work through these. Like in ground hog day (the movie). And l will be here also. Perhaps you could also use the BB cafe to test some ideas out? In some respects it is a conversation in written form... To me I see it that way.

tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I was excluded from things. Not that people really meant to do it but they did it. If they didn’t think of me at the time then I was clearly not an important part of their life.

I’ve taken a bit of a dive today. I did meet up with friends today and one of the topics of conversation was triggering. My friend had been to a club last night full of sexually liberated and positive people. I think it’s pretty evident that I am NOT one of those people. I’ve lived an aromantic life and not by choice.

I’m trying not to compare myself to others but how can you not when people you know are getting some and you can’t get a woman to look at you affectionately to save your life?

[Doolhof]

Hi Azzdog,

I'm sure there were some people in that club who were not getting any either. Then again I wonder if some of those who did get it might have regretted it later!

Nice to know you were spending time with friends even if you were unfortunately triggered by the conversation.

Do you have anything nice planned for tomorrow Azzdog?

My husband said he will take me for a drive tomorrow. Then he told me he is dropping me at the beach and catching up with a couple of his mates for a couple of hours!

Not quite my idea of a day out with my husband but at least I will be with him some of the time and I get to walk along a beach as well!

Happy Easter Azzdog and Tim. Cheers from Dools

[Azzdog]

I have been seriously considering something. I want to undergo electric shock therapy to get rid of this
 
sexual and romantic thoughts. I don't deserve them and it has totally ruined my life. I CANNOT MAKE A DENT with any interaction I have with a woman. It just isn't fair anymore.
 
If that is impossible then I want to undergo a lobotomy. I don't want these thoughts anymore and I'd rather be a simpleton than have these thoughts despite having intelligence, values, principles, a clear vision of where I want to be in the future, hobbies, interests, and a passion for educating myself on philosophy and politics. Nup that ain't attractive at all.
 
I don't want anyone to say that I am just being defeatist. That's really disingenious and totally showing that you are not listening to me. Step into my shoes and walk for a week like me. Then you will see what my life is like. You will see all the rejection. You will see the pain. And then tell me I am being defeatist... I dare you.
 
I have been trying to prevent this for a while now but I have very little feeling in my heart anymore.
 
I am dead inside. I have lost a lot of empathy now because I have no soul anymore.
 
The fact that mental health organisations have failed men on this part is nothing short of embarrassing. I know we live in a patriarchy but men get left behind in patriarchies too. Particularly if you don't buy into their brand of masculinity.
 
I have had it with the amount of rejection I get and the fact I have to
 
sexually repress myself just to get by. These sexual and romantic thoughts have ruined my life. They have destroyed my wellbeing and my resolve.
And why would anyone regret having a consensual
 
sexual encounter at a club? Pretty much everyone on this forum, except for a couple of notable exceptions, has had them! We are the freaking exceptions on this God forsaken planet. It's freaking privilege speaking out.
 
I AM SO FREAKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
I HATE THIS PLANET AND EVERYONE IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron,

It is time to seek medical help again please.

The level of anger you're expressing and especially the parts about self harm are a huge concern.

I understand you are triggered and beyond frustrated but please try to remind yourself that depression and self doubt and hurt and anger are tainting your view right now.

I don't see you as defeatist. I see you as someone in pain. No I cannot understand exactly how it feels to be in your shoes. But I also don't agree that how you are seeing the world right now is entirely accurate.

Mrs D suggested people may regret actions in clubs and this is a valid idea. It isn't fair to say everyone but a few has had consensual sexual encounters at clubs. I haven't. It isn't something that I found remotely appealing. And I know I am far from being alone in this.

My point is this can be used as an example to show yourself these painful thoughts are your mind catastophising. That although you feel utterly fed up and furious there is a reason to argue with your internal critic who is feeding these thoughts.

We have all said it. You are ok just as you are. You have yet to find someone attracted to you. That doesn't mean you wont.

Have you showed your medical team this post? You go through phases where you explode like this and then later regroup and keep trying. But the anger and the extremes are a worry I would think the doc needs to know about.

I'm not sure if anyone has said it but anger like this is off-putting to some. I am writing because I'm worried about you, but my gut is telling me to run. Noone in this world is owed a lover. Yes you are understandably frustrated but it doesn't help you to blame the world or lash out at those trying to help you.

If sexual frustration is becoming a problem you aren't able to cope with it might be time to consider a professional. You mention you struggle to interpret and understand people. It makes sense that part of the issue is that meeting and establishing a relationship requires reading people. You could look into services which can help you practice this. It makes more sense than punishing yourself for something out of your control.

I'm worried that you are at risk of hurting yourself. Do you need the support service to check in?