Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

What I’m noticing right now is the amount of anger I am feeling. All the anger and bitterness of missing out is really strong at the moment and I just keep thinking about why or how it would ever happen? What I also notice underneath is the fear and anxiety of dying alone. That’s what grips me every day and that’s what I really struggling with right now.

[Azzdog]

I’m also going to the football tonight so I’m a little nervous about that.

(Sorry I don’t mean to spam this forum, my thoughts are just all over the place.)

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

You are not spamming the forum. You are just putting your thoughts here as you need to, which can be helpful. Hopefully it allows you to get that thought out of your mind, and then put somewhere in which others can respond to you.

Firstly, I hope that you have fun at the football tonight. Can I ask who is playing? and which team are you going for?

In you second last post, you mentioned feeling anger. Could I ask whether that anger might be a combination of frustration and disappointment or hurt? For example, if I said that I were sad, that is a somewhat general statement. But if I said I was sad as a result of being inferior to .... that is a little more specific in relation to feeling. I hope that makes sense.

At the moment I am living with two pictures in my mind. But I am able to accept these pictures because that is what they are, and I can recognise these as pictures as opposed to reality.

In your writing you mentioned a fear of dying alone. There is a change in this post. Previously you would have said this was a certainty. While it may be small (?) and like me, something that grips you everyday, this is a positive change to grab hold onto. So think on how far you have come since you started here. You are making progress.

On hopelessness, I found a link that I hope won't get blocked...

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-9-types-of-hopelessness-and-how-to-overcome-them/

Read the 1st half and tell me what type of hopelessness you relate to. I don't want to make a guess and give you the wrong answer to your question.

And again as some to relate to my own life. I have told you that I am a perfectionist, all-or-nothing etc. I cannot accept a compliment easily. I am looking the agenda of the other person. What is the catch? I make a mistake when giving out notices, yet complimented and I cannot accept that compliment. ie how I see myself is very different to how others see me. I can very critical of myself.

Perhaps ask your friends how they see you? And would you be surprised if they mentioned positives about you?

Peace,

Tim

[Paw Prints]

Hello Azzdog,

I have spent the arvo reading all 19 pages of your thread because I felt I needed to have more background before responding to your last few posts. My reading of all of your posts suggests to me that what you are really struggling with is a sense of connection, of being needed, of being valued, of being lonely.

As I wrote in my earlier post, you are still young & have plenty of time to meet someone. However the fact is not everyone will find that someone. In the last census 24% of all household were single person households. I am a single person, there has never been that someone for me, I never expected there would be, so I have lived my life making a different sort of connection to those around me. I have a handful of close friends (male & female) who I love dearly as friends & I have people who share my interests that I know through various groups. Add in my family & I have enough connection to make me feel needed & wanted.

I do know what it is like to feel the odd one out, my Mum died when I was 12, my Dad was on a returned serviceman's pension so money was tight. I spent my high school years running the household - cooking, cleaning, shopping, paying bills, balancing the budget. The other people my age were going to the movies, hanging out, dating, learning social skills I missed out on. One thing I learnt through those years was not to compare my life to other peoples, it's self defeating. At first I would get angry that life wasn't fair, that the others could do teenager things & I couldn't, it took some time to realise that getting angry changed nothing & was only harming me. I had to learn to make the best of what I had.

What I am trying to say is instead of focusing on what isn't working out in your life, it would be better for you to focus on the things that are working out. I'm not suggesting you give up on finding someone, rather you put it in the "if it happens, it happens" box & concentrate on building friendships/interests, crafting a life that suits you. I live alone but I am far from lonely.

I also wanted to respond to your comment "underneath is the fear and anxiety of dying alone" meeting that someone does not guarantee you will not be alone in later years, having a close group of people however means you will always have more hands to hold when you need them.

I hope some of this helps

Paw Prints

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I went and saw North Melbourne and Adelaide play last night. It was an awful game to watch but the right team won last night and that was the mighty rooboys haha

Yeah it is anger over people abusing the privilege of being in a relationship. When people cheat on their spouse, be violent towards them, or just be emotionally distant from them. That's what makes me angry.

I read the article and the one that jumped out at me the most was alienation. I do think I am different and I feel like most people just reject me when they find out that I am an old soul.

I guess I don't feel as hopeless as I have in the past but I still see people in relationships who DO NOT deserve to be in one. They abuse the privilege and its like a slap in the face to people like myself who just can't seem to quite understand why I am not allowed.

A friend of mine knows someone who had a child and then disowned it and gave it to her parents. That person SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ALLOWED to have had the privilege of having a child. You must be held accountable for your actions, particularly bringing vulnerable children into the world.

[Azzdog]

Hey Paw Prints,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am really sorry to hear that you had to grow up really quickly and that you were not able to enjoy your teen years in the way that you wished you could. I guess the positive is that it helped you develop important skills that would hold you in good stead for the rest for your life.

But I know and understand why you would feel angry about that though. I don't want to presume or anything but did you ever feel cheated that you couldn't live a "normal" life? That's what I feel a lot these days.

I guess I am trying to do a lot of what you are saying. This year I have been trying to expand my social circle and I have a group meeting for mental health that I see every Thursday. They also do social things so I am trying to keep on top of that.

Some of it is stuff that I have heard before. I guess my difficulty is being surrounded by all of this and then having people in relationships say to me things like "why do you even want a partner?" I was so tempted to say to that person was for them to get a divorce. As I said in my previous message, there are so many people who abuse the privilege who don't deserve the good things in their lives by walking over others.

Recently I have been thinking of something. I think sometimes being an adult is too hard. I would like to go back to when I was a 14 year old when I didn't care about any of this. I lived in ignorance over sex and relationships and I only cared about pokemon and learning the guitar. It was bliss and sometimes, if I had the power, I would like to live as a 14 year old for the rest of my life. I would never be bothered about this stuff ever again.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

well done to your team. My team lost. I go for the Lions. Used to go for Nth. Melb. until Fitzroy moved up this way and was renamed.

You mentioned someone having a child and then "gave it to her parents"... Can I ask whether you or your friend knew about the circumstances in which this occurred? Is it possible this might have been a difficult decision for her? I am not coming to her defense because not everything is always black or white There are always shades of grey. On the other hand, you might be right.

You also mentioned being rejected when they find out you are an old soul... what makes you an old soul? what makes them think you are an old soul?

Lastly, I noticed in your reply to Paw prints that you attend a group meeting every Thu. How is that going for you? What are the other people in the group like? Tell me more?

Tim

[Paw Prints]

Hi Azzdog,

Glad the footy went well.

"did you ever feel cheated that you couldn't live a "normal" life? That's what I feel a lot these days." Yes there were times where I felt cheated, angry, & even resentful of those around me. It took me some time before I realised that these feelings were only hurting me. I see a similiar thing with you getting angry/upset about other peoples relationships. "people abusing the privilege of being in a relationship" This is something you can't change, so getting angry only hurts you, as does feeling cheated because they are in a relationship & you're not. It's not a case of being allowed or not being allowed, it simply is the way it is. Part of being an adult is learning to focus your energies on things you can do/change/develop, like all new things it takes practice. There is a quote: the beginning of wisdom is to learn to change what you can't live with, learn to live with what you can't change, & to learn to tell the difference between the two.

It took me some time but I also learnt to accept my differences from my peers. I have never been interested in 'female' things like makeup/hair/clothes, my music choices were old fashioned compared to those around me (Sinatra etc), my interests were history, science, animals. I wasn't interested in the TV shows my peers watched, or the music they listened to, or the latest celebrity gossip. It was through my 20s/30s when I broadened my circle of people through work, interest groups, friends of friends, that I met people who liked what I liked & with whom I have built long term friendships.

I'm not suggesting for a moment that I have all the answers, but I'm really hoping reading about aspects of my life will be helpful for you. Please feel free to tell me if you would rather I didn't .

Best Wishes

Paw Prints

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I haven't been feeling well, I have come down with a virus, and I can't sleep either. It is currently 3 in the morning and I am in ruminate mode.

Thanks, my dad would probably call you a traitor for changing teams haha but at least you don't go for Essendon he would probably say.

I do trust my friend. The woman in question just happens to be her brothers ex-girlfriend. According to my friend, she isn't a good person and was emotionally distant and abusive to her baby. That is upsetting to hear because I certainly, and I know my friend too, would never do something like that.

I am an old soul because I don't like mainstream culture and I prefer entertaining myself with things from a bygone era. I have finished The Histories by Herodotus. It is considered to be the first work of what we now know as history. I had to read it for my Ancient Greek subject but I never got to finish it but I have now. I also read a lot of gothic literature and prefer music from the 60s and 70s. I also prefer staying at home with the company of good friends than partying and getting drunk. It seems boring to some but I get a lot of pleasure out of it. I have my own way of entertaining myself which has come from years of trying to find out who I was.

The group is run by Grow which is a place for people with mental ill health to share their problems and progress and help each other to improve. It also has a social aspect to it as well. The group is for young adults up to the age of 35(?) I can't remember the specific age limit but the people there are around my age and level of experience in the world. It has become a regular part of my week and had the potential of being so much more as well

[Azzdog]

Hey Paw Prints,

I am glad you found a way to overcome your feelings of anger and rejection. It must have been hard I'd imagine. I say that because, despite the great strides I have made, I still succumb to the anger and despair of still being in the same place where I was when I was 12. I like that quote though, that is something I will need to adopt and try to live up to.

I do feel like I have a similar problem as well. I am sure you have read about the various interests and hobbies I have. Well it doesn't really line up with my generation which makes me feel alienated and isolated. I often feel like if my interests were different then maybe my life could be significantly different. It is only a hypothetical and there is no point posing the question but it something I do tend to do now and then.

I do appreciate you telling me your story. It is always good to hear a different perspective that you don't normally hear or read about. I guess, according to media and advertising, it isn't the, supposedly, ideal life that people want to live. But honestly I like hearing stories like yours. It shows that there are many different ways of living your life and that you can find meaning in a lot of different ways. It is inspiring to read your story because it isn't one I hear a lot, but one I take the most meaning out of. So thanks for being here. I really do appreciate it 😊