Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Quercus]

Hi Azzdog and welcome to the forums,

I'm not young or male or single so maybe it won't seem I can relate or be very helpful but I wanted you to know we are reading and do care.

Reading your post reminded me of the story of another young man on the forums. Your psychologist is absolutely right you are not alone ot weird or abnormal at all. If you read this thread you'll find others who understand through experience what you're feeling...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/long-term-support-over-the-journey/i-just-feel-like-i-have-no-chance-

Also in the social zone there is a thread for under 25s which you may like to introduce yourself and find younger members like yourself to seek out.

I can understand your specific situation feels hopeless and causes you massive anxiety. What sort of steps are you able and willing to make for yourself to meet others (not just women) offline?

I think that you understand best your own limitations and needs. Is joining a class or hobby or club you enjoy weekly something that is achievable? Basically getting yourself out and talking to people with shared interests is a good place to start. What do you think?

I hope you can keep talking to us here. The forums have a lot to offer to you and we'd like to know more about you too.

Nat

[MsPurple]

HI Azzdog

Like Nat I myself can not completely relate as I am a 26 year old female in a relationship. However I have not always been in a relationship. Before this one I had been single for over 5 years. I felt like with my mental illness I wouldn't find anyone. I had given up looking and just decided to live my life. Then I met someone without putting all my efforts into it. I find when you are not looking then you may find someone then. It is ok to take some time to find someone. I have several friends that didn't get into their first relationship till after 25. It is ok to take some time to find someone. I know we feel pressure from society and movies to find someone, get married and have kids but this extra pressure isn't good for us and we need to let it be in good time.

[Azzdog]

Hey I’m really thankful that the two of you replied, I really appreciate it.

I have taken a number of steps in the past 6 years to try to meet new people. A lot of those have been general social meetings and they have never gone as well as I would have hoped. I am currently speaking to my case manager and occupational therapist about structuring a plan to build a social life now but there is a part of me that feels like it’s too late. I’m so bitter and twisted inside that it makes me so angry to see people in relationships. I’m like “what makes you so interesting that makes you attractive to other people?” Particularly if it’s guys I went to school with who have never had an intelligent thought in their life. What’s the deal? Why are these guys preferred over ones who are a bit introverted but actually have a lot to offer to someone? It does my head in. I have tried online dating, name a website/app and believe me I’ve tried it. Nothing to show for it at all which makes me suicidal, ugly, and completely boring.

I have a broad range of interests. I LOVE music. I’ve been playing guitar for 11 years and I like to write songs in my spare time. I have a wide range of cds but particularly like late 70s early 80s rock music. I study history and English at uni and plan to go into teaching. I do like my sport but have no interest in resuming playing football or cricket, but am interested in pursuing table tennis or pool. I read classic literature and exercise daily. Basically I’m an old soul which it makes me feel like there is no hope whatsoever for me.

I have always found that when people say to me “you are young” “it will take time”, I always feel like that is a throwaway line when it all gets too hard to find something more helpful to say. I despise cliches and want some more resolute answers rather than just throwaway lines. I’m almost certainly convinced that women find me incredibly repulsive and ugly and I don’t see what a few days down the road is going to change. All I’ve done in life is give, give, give and people (particularly women) use that as an excuse to walk over me and I’ve had it. Sex is all around me and people say “you just have to accept it” and think that’s all they need to say to make me feel better. It doesn’t.

Sorry for the long message but I feel utterly hopeless right now.

[Croix]

Dear Azzdog~

I hope you don't mind me popping and and talking for a moment. I read your original post and also your reply to Nat and MsPurple. What struck me was two things. First the things you said about your life interests and abilities are attractive and should be a great base to get to know others and just as importantly for others to get to know you.

The other thing is because you have never been in a relationship you feel despondent, angry and that things are not going to get better. I agree the way society is relationships and sex are pushed into view by everything from advertising to movies. The sight of others paired off too can lead to bitterness.

Please forgive me for guessing however do you think it is possible the fact you are unhappy and despondent, even angry, stops you from simply enjoying others' company, and stops others enjoying yours? Seeing each person as a potential answer to your problems does make for a pretty intense situation, and magnifies the disappointment when things do not work out.

I'm not saying I'm right, just asking your opinion. Even if I was I've no instant answer other than to try to 'see' other people just for their own sake.

Do you think that giving is the answer, or is it too one sided, leading to resentment? Perhaps you try to give too much.

I've no idea if this is helpful, at least it will make a change from “you are young” “it will take time”.

Croix

[geoff]

Hi Azzdog, welcome to the site and I'm pleased you have joined the forum.

As you can see I'm a male and I'm not going to say 'it will take time' nor what else people are saying to you because that doesn't help you or solve your problem.

I want to concentrate on your music, that's the avenue where you can meet people and the suggestions I make you might say 'no', but I want you to have a think about them:

-dating sites only make people lose money, promise the world but frustrate people

-playing music will be able to control your OCD, it's when you stop your habits may begin, learn how to hide these, that will help

-put a sign up on a signboard, look in the paper for someone needed for a band, perhaps you can go to a pub and introduce yourself

-there are many job agents you can go to look for jobs playing or joining a band

I'm only saying this because if you can join a band then you will have dozens of girls wanting to go out with you

-if you are able to handle your anxiety then perhaps you could play by yourself, starting at a pub or a RSL

I'd like to know how bad your OCD is as I also have it, but I'm not as clever as you and play the guitar, you have an opening here which doesn't seem to be utilised.

If you see a friend with their partner, try not to think negative thoughts, that will close your mind and you may miss the opportunity that a girl is looking out for you.

Lety us know what you think.

Geoff.

[Azzdog]

Thanks Croix and Geoff for replying, I will try to address both of you here.

Croix, you do make a good point about me being angry makes me unable to enjoy others or my own company. I would say that only when I’m overwhelmed with emotion does that happen. Socialising does make me feel a lot better but if I’m with my thoughts a lot then it’s so hard to enjoy others company. I feel like thaive never been allowed to ‘take’ if that makes sense? I’ve always been there for people to lend a helping hand but when it’s me it all of a sudden become too much and apparently me talking about myself is the wrong way of going about it. I just don’t know how to change that.

Geoff, your idea of concentrating on music is a great idea. I wouldn’t know the first thing about putting up a notice about it and I don’t particularly like pubs because I don’t drink alcohol. Girls have never been interested in me playing guitar even back to school days where I could play the majority of Stairway to Heaven. I’m interested in the idea but have no way of going about it.

[Croix]

Dear Azzdog~

Thanks for your reply, I guess what I was trying to say was because of myself and my habits. I find it is easy to offer help, to do something, because it is a familiar path I've been down before in social settings. Now I"m not suggesting being helpful is wrong, its part of the glue that holds society together, but it can get in the way, where one is concentrating on the helpful task, and not the other person.

Maybe rather than a knack of helpful one might try for a knack of asking the sort of questions that not only gets people talking but makes them feel comfortable too. I remember one young lady who was very happy to talk about her dad's small property and the animals on it (I ended up marrying her)

Again I'm just thinking out loud and may be well off track - what do you think?

Croix

[Azzdog]

Hey Croix,

I feel like that’s something that I have done in the past, and still do. I ask questions of people that aligns would their interests and gets them taking to make them comfortable. I know I have done that since high school. I think the problem back then was the fact I wasn’t good at expressing my interests which is something I’m a lot better at now. The problem is I don’t have a lot of people to interact with (which is something my case manager and I are working on at the moment).

I guess my problem stems from the fact that I’m not a typical 24 year old. I don’t drink, I don’t go clubbing, I prefer The Who over any current artist today, I read the classics, I’m a political junkie, and I’m a deep thinker on many issues. I’m someone that you need to take time with to build a friendship/relationship and I feel that a lot of people my generation (particularly women, I can’t stress that enough) don’t have the patience. I have looked at dating coaches but I feel they are just looking for the highest bidder rather than genuinely wanting to help young men like myself who would be so grateful to understand what is wrong with me. Like I feel I am fundamentally flawed and I’m an ugly, pathetic, disgusting creature who really doesn’t give value to anyone on this planet. It hurts so much to see people in relationships and I struggle to understand what I’m doing wrong and they are doing right.

[Croix]

Dear Azzdog~

The descriptions of the things you do, your likes and interests are just fine. I honestly don't think that they are any sort of bar, and I know you are wrong about women, they are half the human population and some think deeply and have patience, some don't, just like the other half.

I worry about your view of yourself. Sadly when you are trying to find a relationship and have not succeeded there is an awful temptation to see oneself at fault, and I believe that in turn sends out vibes which make others pause. This in turn makes things worse, a circle.

I know what I'm trying to say might seem unconnected but what achievable things do you think would make you feel better about yourself? What are you good at? What do you enjoy?

So what's wrong with The Who? Pinball Wizard rules.

Croix