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Sexual anxiety

Chaney
Community Member

I am at a stage where even having my husbands hand on by bottom or waist in bed gives me anxiety to a point of having to get out of bed and walk around a bit to calm down. There has been a long history of emotional abuse including him telling me I am boring in bed and I should let him do things he likes sexually even if they make me uncomfortable. At times he has even enforced this. We have three beautiful children together but the fact he lies about anything from who he is meeting down the pub to how much money he has won has taken its toll on my trust and I pretty much feel unloved and uncared for. I have made excuses for him in the past as I know the lying is something he does to everyone not just me. I have lived the past 10 years like this for the sake of the kids and keeping the family together but feel that this latest bout of anxiety may be my subconscious letting me know it's time to start putting me first. I know if I leave the children would choose to come with me as they too have a few issues with his behaviour and leaving him alone with nothing (one of my daughters would probably not stay with him at all if we seperate) I have been on anxiety medication for around 6 months but don't want this to be a forever fix. Any advice on how to move on and not feel so selfish for abandoning him and the marriage?

4 Replies 4

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Chaney, unfortunately there are no easy tips for turning off your feelings of selfishness. From your post, it sounds like you have spent a decade with a man who emotionally abuses you, lies to you, and forces himself on you sexually (let's be clear, you are talking about rape here). For you to endure all this and still be worried that you might be selfish to leave indicates that your issues with self-worth are very deep seated. I would definitely suggest seeing a psychologist to help explore these feelings, because they will have an impact on your future relationships and sadly you may find yourself being attracted again to similar men.

The important thing is that you have recognised that this situation is not healthy and that things need to change. At this early stage, the selfish feelings are only an issue if they prevent you from getting out. My suggestion would be to make those plans to move and deal with your guilt once you are in a safe space to do so.

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Chaney. I have to agree with Jess here. I also feel the guilt feelings you're experiencing could be because once you leave, if you do, you suspect your hubby might tell everyone he doesn't 'understand' why you left. It sounds like he could be telling people that he's tried so hard to be a good husband, father, etc. Is he the sole provider? This could also explain the actions he's displaying. He feels, because he's the sole provider, he is the 'head of the house' therefore has the right to order (for lack of another word), you to do whatever he wants, when he wants it. I don't think I'd be too worried about leaving him or abandoning the marriage. Once you leave, as Jess said, if any remarks are made re: why did you leave a 'good' man, whatever you tell them is your decision. It almost sounds he's projecting one image at home and another one round his mates. He abandoned you with his 'macho' behaviour. Jess made another suggestion here which sounds pretty good to me. Perhaps a counsellor or psychologist to help you accept that you are you, it's your body, therefore you make whatever call suits you in any given situation.

Best wishes Lynda.

Ishtar
Community Member

Chaney,

Listen to your body & its reaction of anxiety to your partner's touch as it's trying to protect you & telling you something you already know...though you perhaps don't want to face. Emotional manipulation is abuse. Compulsive lying. Not good. I too was manipulated to do things I would't have done. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's what happens when you are a good person in a relationship with a damaged person who demands power/control over you for their own needs and forgets who you are a person and expects you to be his puppet.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
dear Chaney, well your feeling has been building up for a long time, simply because he has lied to you, telling you what he wants and by suggesting innuendos when you are in bed and don't forget that he has probably lied to his mates, and your friends as well, so I don't think that you will be blamed for leaving him, but if so then who cares because now you can live a life by yourself with your kids and get all the piece and quiet you want.
Don't be fooled by him saying that 'he will change' because that's what is always said, but after a few days or weeks it's back to his old self, so the situation won't change, and you need to make that final decision, have it all planned when he's at the pub or at work or you can just walk out, but there will be many goods that you want to take with you.
Never think that you are being selfish, remember he's only wanting everything to go his way for such a long time, so in fact he has been the selfish person in all of this, but now you can break free.
I really hope that you can carry through with this and please it would be great to hear back from you. Geoff. x