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Sexless relationship and only 21. HELP.

Community Member

Hi guys, this is my first time posting in this forum but I feel it’ll do me a world of good to get a few things off my chest.

I’m a 21 year old male and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years. She’s beautiful, smart and all I could wish for in a partner. She fell pregnant 6 months (crazy I know) into our relationship and we have a gorgeous little girl together who is 2.

Now let me firstly state that I love my girlfriend more than I could ever explain but there’s one problem that’s becoming a constant pain for me... the lack of sex in our relationship.

I understand after having a child it can affect a female, I was very open to this and was more than happy to accept these issues until my girlfriend was fully comfortable and ready to engage in the physical aspect of our relationship again. The thing is, this never really happened. Since our daughter was born we’ve had sex a total of 5 times in 2.5 years, 3 times in the last 12 months. We haven’t had sex since February of this year. I’ve tried bringing this up with her but she gives the typical response of “I’m tired” or “another time maybe”. I get it, being mum can be a demanding job especially when I’m out working but to say it’s hurting me not having this connection with the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with is an understatement. I am always keeping active whether that’s going to the gym or playing sport so I would like to hope it’s not because of my appearance (I needed to make myself laugh somehow writing this)

I’ve gone to speak with doctors as my sperm count and testosterone levels have decreased dramatically in the last few months, I have not told girlfriend this as I am extremely embarrassed by it. I am constantly moody and of course frustrated over this.

Am I overreacting or is this as big of an issue as I think it is?

Thank you in advance!

2 Replies 2

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear TryingThisOut~

Welcome here to the Forum. I'm sure it would have been quite a difficult subject to write about here, but it is good you did as it is an imortant subject and is affecting both you and your relationship. It may also be something your partner is unhappy about.

You really do need to look at this together. From the sound of it you have not had a deep conversation with your partner on the subject. The responses you list seem to me to be what one says when intimacy is proposed, not when the whole thing is looked at as a problem together.

As you would realize there are both physical and emotional reasons why intimacy does not occur and it really is up to your partner to show willing before the matter can be gone into. Do you think you could ask her to talk about it with you, preferably at a suitable time when she does not feel in any way pressured?

It may be easier to have this conversation before a GP or councilor, I guess it depends.

I do hope you come back and talk more


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi TryingThisOut,

Welcome to the forum. I agree with Croix, it is important you and your partner can discuss what is going on between the two of you and maybe suggest a joint appointment at the Drs to discuss it.

There may be lots of things going on for your partner. If you don't mind me asking some questions, did she have an easy birth or was it traumatic requiring a lot of medical intervention? Some women suffer from complications after birth that make sex painful, could that be an issue?

Some women suffer from post natal depression. Does your partner seem generally happy and content or is she frequently down and depressed?

Do you do things together other than wanting sex? Can you discuss wanting to try for sex and then slowly build up to it and see what happens?

My husband would tell me we were having sex at the half time break of the football! He might as well have told me that is when we were going to be doing the dishes!

For some women the experience of sex can be very different than a man's expectations.

Hopefully you will be able to talk openly with your partner. Try not to argue and try to see her point of view. I do understand how frustrating it must be for you not having this basic need met by your partner.

Wishing you both all the best. Cheers from Dools