Seperated from partner with PTSD

KLB · ‎17-09-2018

I have separated from my partner of 21 years recently. It was what he wanted. He needed space and wanted to be more responsible for himself. While asking me for space he was seeing someone else. Its not the first time he has strayed. This went on for quite a while.He was telling me everything was going to be ok and we would get through it, all while seeing her. He even asked the kids (20, 17,and 14) how they would feel about him having a relationship with her. I tried everything to make him realise he was making a huge mistake. He is no longer seeing her and we agreed to try and work things out. That was in December. I moved out of our house 6months ago and he has done nothing to try and work through any of our issues. I recently started going out on weekends and he is not comfortable with it at all. He now wants us to start going out together and work on things. He has PTSD (currently unmanaged) and I told him he needed to work on himself before we could try again and I feel he hasn't done that. He doesn't understand that we have to talk about the issues we had before anything can happen. He seems to think we can just pick up where we left off. He has given me nothing emotionally since I moved out. But is happy to drop sexual hints. I am so frustrated with him and I don't know how to make him understand things cant go back to the way they were. I feel he has left it too late and I don't know what to do. I am worried about his mental health as he doesn't have any close support apart from me and the kids. I am sick of it being all about what he wants.

LeeA18 · ‎17-09-2018

So it’s all on his terms? Do you find him controlling? I am glad that you are going out. It shows that your life doesn’t revolve around him. I’d continue doing that.

i don’t think much will change if he isn’t willing to talk about the past or get help with his PTSD. Getting help with his PTSD is number 1. As someone that had a partner that has PTSD/depression/anxiety, it’s really hard for the partner as it’s so unpredictable. After he asked me if he could take a step back from our relationship, I had to try and get off his roller coaster. It was hard to do but I am now giving him space and I am getting it too. This was the advice from my psych too “you’ve got to get off his roller coaster and just become a bystander.”

are you seeing a psych? Maybe if he sees you going to one that might motivate him to go to his GP for a mental health plan.

KLB · ‎17-09-2018

Yes it's always seems to be on his terms. I have asked for us to talk about things so many times and he always has an excuse. But now that he has seen me going out and having fun he wants to talk but tried doing it over messenger. Which doesnt work. He isnt controlling but is very jealous and selfish.

I was seeing a counselor but she seemed only interested in helping us fix things. I am planning to find another one asap. He has been to a few doctors but he doesnt tell them the truth and only goes a few times before he feels like he is doing ok. He has stopped his medication months ago and says he feels fine without them. But he still has days where he is totally fine one minute and the next he is cranky as and I have no idea what caused it. Like you said very unpredictable. I dont want to end up hating him but I dont see myself getting back with him, especially when he doesnt seem to want to do anything to help the situation. I feel like we are on a merry-go-round getting nowhere and I just want to get off.

KLB · ‎20-10-2018

So since I went out he has been trying his hardest to win brownie points. Cooking us dinner and offering to cook dessert. We had our sons 18th last week at his place. I only had a few drinks because I think someone needs to be sober enough to deal with anyone who may get too drunk and be sick. He expected us too stay the night but did nothing to make sure everyone had somewhere comfortable to sleep. He was annoyed when I said that I was going home. Was almost crying and said he is sorry for everything. I'm sick of hearing how sorry he is without him doing anything about it. The next day he made the comment that I drank more with my work mates than I did at my sons 18th. I said someone had to be responsible and look after the ones spewing.

His idea of fixing things is completely different to mine. He has done nothing that I have asked of him and has done nothing that he said he would do for me if I moved out. I am financially struggling and he doesnt seem to care because so is he. He gets all down when I reject him getting close. How do I tell him we cant be together when nothing has changed without causing his depression to get worse. I have told him numerous times we need to talk but he never seems to make the time. I just want him to be happy with himself then maybe we can try again. But I cant take the risk of him hurting me again.

Any advice would be appreciated.