Seperated and Lost
Hi, my husband and I seperated about 8 months ago, originally just for a break as we were fighting a lot. With have 3 small boys aged between 7 & 2. While he has not been living here with have still been spending lots of time together as a family and he comes over most afternoons for a few hours to spend with the kids. We never really discussed what was happening with us as we both just needed the space. But a about a month ago he told me that just wants us to be friends now and he is going to start seeing other people. This has left me completely lost and feeling as though I need to fight to try and get my family back together. I still love him and especially want us to be a family again. I have been quiet emotional and he just tells me to get over it. Some days he will say that he doesn’t want me in his life anymore at all and others he will ring me multiple times to talk about his day and still spends time with us together but only when it suits him.
I guess I just don’t know if I should keep holding on and trying to get him back or to let him go. And if I should let him go, how??
Thank you for reading.
I understand how hard it is to have marital strain. Perhaps you have tried counselling but I didn't necessarily find that helped me as a couple but it did help me in myself to cope with my feelings - when I sought personal counselling. I think the important thing is to work out with him what he really thinks he wants because you need him to want to try too otherwise he will simply just exhaust you.
It isn't easy but you need to keep those little men happy and growing and even though your heart is breaking these boys will give you ridiculous amounts of love that will help you along the way. Little children can be a lot to manage but they will grow up into affectionate loving men if you just keep hugging them and they will keep on adoring you. Do you meet up with playgroups or socialise with other mums who have young children? You also need that support.
Don't do this alone. It is too hard. Time will show you what the right path is but sometimes it seems very difficult. If your partner is keen to try, try to simply create new memories and do things you both enjoy - as a family but especially as a couple too because I learnt that focusing only on what was wrong with us, only kept me living the bad parts of our marriage. You need to step over the big hiccup and go forward if he too wants to. Make him feel loved in the little things you do and see if that recreates that love in him. Maybe there is something underlying his behaviour. It sounds weird - but sometimes it is not about you that has made him withdraw. Sometimes he is simply sorting out his feelings about himself. It would be great if he could seek professional support to help him manage his feelings.
I hope I am helping. You sound like an incredible woman who is hanging on to the important things in your life. Your family sound very lucky to have you.
Hi mum if boys,
I’m in a similar situation, just reverse the genders. Separated from my wife around the same as you. Two little men in the middle.
I don’t have too much advice as for me, I’m still struggling for answers myself. But I will say you are not alone and you sound like a great mum so well done you! The kids are the most important. It’s what keeps me moving forward, albeit slowly.
I’m sorry you are going through this, hardest thing I have and before this I thought nothing would rattle me. Hopefully you will find some peace soon, whichever path you take.
Thank you so much for your replies. It’s definitely comforting to know I’m not the only one going through this.
I am actually going for my first counselling appointment later this week, it’s very daunting but I’m hoping to just get assistance in gathering my thoughts and getting my emotions under control. Obviously my main priority is my children therefore I need to work out how to get through this as best as I can for them.
Its so difficult to navigate when the person you vowed to love forever decides they don’t love you anymore. Sometimes I just want to shake him in the hope that it clicks in what he is throwing away. Not being in control of where this goes is what I am struggling with most I guess. But I guess slowly is the key, each day is another day to love my kids. Just not sure if I should just give him the space and hope he comes back, to keep fighting for us or to completely walk away. Who knows tomorrow might bring more answers.
Thank you again, it really has helped calm me today to read your replies.
I just wanted to add that sometimes behaviour is not exactly as it seems. When partners push us away we think it is us - that they don't want us. Yet sometimes it is actually something within them that they are sorting and they can get crazy ideas like we don't need them because we seem okay or maybe if we tell them we want to fix things they keep behaving as though they don't want us because they need us to fight for them more. If we want things to work out we need to be clear about how we feel and show that we understand that they are still processing whatever it is that they are processing but try not to take it too personally - I know that sounds odd.
I used to get mad that couple counselling wasn't working. When I think back I think it was mostly because we kept talking about the problems. When I sought counselling for myself on how to cope I used to find it so helpful because my counselor was simply focusing on how to cope rather than how to fix it. I used to get mad because my husband wouldn't go to counselling himself on his own like I was. I used to think how come I am trying to fix this on my own. Now I think we just simply had a different way of processing how to cope.
I too found it so hard. I kept thinking that he had ruined my dream of having a happy marriage and a happy life together as a family. I had serious happily married couple envy. I understand the sadness you are feeling but try to stay hopeful.
I found people kept telling me things that made me upset too, like I should just move on because of his behaviour. People are quick to make judgments but only you know your marriage and your partner and I think people can say what they like when they are not themselves in the situation.
Keep strong and look after yourselves. Personal counselling honestly saved me I think, though sometimes I did feel that everything was beyond hope. I learned to see marriage as two people on separate journeys living together and that helped me stand back and see his behaviour as his problem and not mine. Separating those feelings helped me see the situation with greater clarity. I stopped feeling rejected and that helped me immensely.