Separating and alone for xmas

[Gothicaria]

I made the call to ask for a break from our marriage a few days ago. He went on the defensive and threatened to sell our assets asap and even listed one the following morning. We have hurt each other a lot over the last 20 years and fought on and off on big enough scales to warrant my desire for a break. He is not dealing with what he is feeling and I feel like he thinks if he separates financially asap it will make it hurt less than it does. Neither of us are prepared to leave our owned property, my reason is due to our 12 year old son and on legal advice to stay based on his current reactions to sell everything. Xmas day was supposed to be at our house but only his parents were coming. My family all have their own plans so now I am facing spending Xmas alone. I’m crying and have feelings of despair on and off all day. This all erupted 4 weeks ago when my husband went through my personal computer and found comments I made to online friends about times when I had been unhappy with his behaviour. He also found out I had been involved in sending inappropriate messages to one of those online friends whom I had been leaning on for support that quickly became intimate. It had all ended prior to my husband finding out. We since have tried to reconcile but when I found my husband was still trying to access my computer and hack my accounts I changed my passwords and he got very upset saying I was trying to hide things. I even offered to show him my accounts but voiced that I felt violated and still deserve some amount of privacy. I found out through an employee about 5 years ago my husband had a tinder and an Ashley Maddison account which he said he never acted upon which inevitably I forgave and moved on without placing ultimatums about access to his devices. I’m just so lost and hurt. He is a very no emotional person, does not express himself unless it’s anger. I have no idea what to do or what I am doing.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Gothicaria,

Welcome to the forums. It sounds like an incredibly difficult time, and it must be really hard feeling like you're not going to be spending Christmas day with anyone. Please know you've done a really brave and powerful thing in sharing here, our lovely community have kindness, advice and understanding for you.

It sounds like you could do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here (11am-midnight AEDT). You could also speak to the Family Relationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321. They offer free advice to families going through separation. There’s also Parentline, who have a number for each state listed here. They also have advice on co-parenting when separating, here on their site.

Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members soon. We hope you can be as kind to yourself during this difficult time as you have been in opening up and sharing with the community here, today.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Dadmeister]

Hey Gothicaria, Just so you know that you are not alone in this, i am also spending my first separated Christmas this year. Your husband's initial reaction is basically him being in shock at the news. When I also told my wife 8 weeks ago it was over after 26 years of marriage, she also went into a deep shock and was irrational. I chose not to move out no matter how hard it got as I had not been unfaithful, she had. 8 weeks later my wife has worked her way through the seven stages of grief and I believe is at the acceptance stage. Hopefully your husband will work his way through it as well so that he can make informed and sensible decisions. Ultimately you both need to consider your son and how he will look back at this moment in life. Best of luck and guess what, Christmas is just another day.

[Gothicaria]

Hi Dadmeister,

Thank you for replying. I had a really good chat with my dad today who helped me process some of my feelings. I also had a very calm and adult conversation with my husband and set out a plan of our to sell and divide our assets which is great but the grief is still so new. I know one day it won’t hurt as much as it does now it’s just hard to see that.

[Dadmeister]

Believe me I know precisely how the pain feels, it was like someone ripped my heart out, cut it up then fed it back to me. But, I stayed calm and strong and forgave. We haven’t had the full talk yet on assets but we agreed to do our best to be civil. A few close mates have been everything to me and im so glad your dad was there for you, you are not alone.