Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

[Alx]

My wife has instigated separation and I don't want to be, I told her I would fight to save my family with some success but also a couple of huge failures. I'm now not in a good place mentally as she is seeing another guy leaving me home to get our 3 boys through the evening routines while she is at her "friends" house 

[Doolhof]

Hi LatelnLife

Thanks for sharing your story here and welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue.

It is very difficult when a relationship breaks down to know what to do and how to handle the situation. It is wonderful you have been able to talk with people about how you are feeling. That certainly helps.

My husband and I have recently been to marriage counselling. We went once and my husband thinks that is enough, the problem is now solved. Ha. Ha.

It is solved as long as I accept his interpretation of everything. I can live with that. I know where I stand now. We are just two "friends" living in the same house. We have separate bedrooms and fairly separate lives. I work to support us both as he has been out of work for nearly three years.

For us this relationship works, only my heart is broken as this is not the relationship I desire with my husband.

He has told me that he would rather be with a young lady from a different nationality and that my 50 year old body repulses him. He is 50 also and way over weight!

I now need to make the most of what we do still have. At least we are "friends" and we have a lovely home.

I hope you are able to make some tough decisions and decide which way you need to go from here. I too think that the least your wife could do is to not carry on while she is still under the same roof. That is just my opinion anyway.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[pipsy]

Hi LateInLife.  Having read and re read your story (to get it 'straight').  I find it hard to believe no-one seems to have told you anything about your legal rights.  I went through a divorce some years ago.  If the house belongs to both of you, you will be entitled to even shares.  Is there some way you could 'buy' her out?  This would give you and children a roof over your head.  I know how tempting it is, but try not to 'poison' the children against her, let her do that.  I understood that when you end a marriage, you're entitled to half shares of chattels.  How long have you been married?  It sounds as though you'll be better off without her anyway, looking at her behaviour.  I doubt her new relationship will last, she sounds as though she chases dreams.  If she has run up debts and you can prove they're hers, she will have to pay.  When I separated I took the car thinking all I had to do was get him to sign it over.  Wrong, I still had to pay him when I sold it.  When our house sold, I only got 40% because I had to give him half the amount I got for the car.  The legal ins and outs when you end a marriage are not cut and dried.  Sorry to say this, but I think you should tell her to go now, let her bf put her up.  I would talk to a lawyer who deals in matrimonial settlements, tell him what you've written here.  You could be in for a nice surprise.

Best wishes.

[UpNDown]

So many familiar stories here that I feel the need to contribute.

I lived with my ex partner and two sons (six and two). We had kind of become stuck in a 'rut' after getting together far too young and immature.

She started to pull all nighters going out all the time and would disappear on days out "shopping". This led to some excuse to have to go across town for "work" (she seldom had a job) and stay overnight for days on end. She would disappear for up to a week with no word. With our eldest having just started school and not having his mum around was taking its toll on him.

Then one long weekend she insisted I take our sons away for a dad/son trip. The whole time we were away I tried to make contact but there was no answer on her phone each time. We returned home I found a heap of my things had been moved out of our bedroom robe to another bedroom and her reason was she was trying to make more room. Also a framed photo on the wall with me in it had been taken down. Her excuse was that it fell off the wall but she caught it which is why it didn't break.

I noticed she had been spending a lot of time on the computer. So I installed spy software on it to see what she was doing. Some might not agree with what I did but I had to make sure I didn't have some surprise coming. What I found confirmed my suspicion. There was someone else and she was going around telling people that we were separated and she'd soon be moving into her own place.

When I questioned her about thing she cracked and I got the "it's not you it's me" and "I need a break" lines. Knowing this was coming to its end and my six year old son going through what I did when I was his age broke my heart.

The most excruciating thing was having to sleep in bed next to her knowing what had really been happening behind my back.

My advice to anyone going through separation is that the first two years are terrible but I urge you to stick it out because there is a light at the end. 

After we had moved I found out from a former friend of hers, whom she'd had a falling out with, that there had been multiple men for a period of about six months. This behaviour was the reason for the falling out because this friend didn't agree with what she was doing and there was a threat that she would tell me about it.

That was seven years ago now and I have never looked back as far as relationships go. I used this terrible experience as a chance to start fresh.

[pipsy]

Hi there.  Quite often when a couple get together fairly young, there are all sorts of problems.  Men tend to mature later than women, so women quite often feel they're 'carrying' both of them.  When there's children involved, it's harder.  Couples 'living together' seem to thing that they're saved the heartache of financial problems if their relationship goes 'belly up'.  I think, personally, all couples should go through a budgeting scenario to see if they can 'pool' their resources.  If a couple make a commitment to marry or live together, there should also be an understanding that if one or the other decides to end the relationship, try and make it as painless as possible.  I know how hard it is when one partner stops loving the other.  It hurts the partner who feels 'wronged'.  If there's kids involved it's harder.  But ask yourself one thing.  Isn't it better for both of you to 'end it' rather than stay together for the 'sake of the children'.  Staying together for the wrong reasons creates more bitterness than is healthy for everyone.  The children suffer, you suffer and for what?  They say time heals all wounds, it does.  I'd rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship.  Hate is destructive and it makes us say and do things that, after you 'cool' down, you realize all you really hurt was you.  Ex partner moves on with their life, you're left humiliated because you tried to hang on to something that was no longer there.

We have an 'open' relationship because financially we're better off.  It works because we're both happier than ever.  It takes a lot of emotional growing though.  My hubby has his interests, I have mine. 

That's just us, it works.