Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

Alx · ‎20-08-2015

My wife has instigated separation and I don't want to be, I told her I would fight to save my family with some success but also a couple of huge failures. I'm now not in a good place mentally as she is seeing another guy leaving me home to get our 3 boys through the evening routines while she is at her "friends" house

geoff · ‎21-08-2015

dear Alx, thanks for allowing us to talk with you.Your present situation puts you in a very unpleasant position not only for your 3 sons but definitely for yourself, and I'm sure that there have been many arguments and tense moments, with no agreement being made.Even if there was a reconciliation between the two of you, this may not stop her from wanting to go out with someone else, so it's always going to be a contentious point, and as much as you want to keep your family together, it's going to be very difficult, as you could doubt and suspect her movements.This is probably not what you wanted to hear, but once they stray they always stray, and the temptation is always there.Married couples or people living together are bound to have many disagreements, but this doesn't take away all the good times, but what sticks in a person's mind, the good times or the bad times, to me it's the latter, because we become resentful, hurt and annoyed, and can they get repaired, well this depends on the issue and again depends on each individual person.Now I would think that you are annoyed with your wife, and so would I, and I wouldn't think that I could tolerate being in the same situation, however your 3 sons need the love and care, and how do you explain exactly what your wife/mum is doing, it's a hard call.You could just tell them that their mum is going out with a girlfriend, but eventually they will find out as she may boost to them.I could suggest marriage counselling, however your wife may have nothing to do with the idea, but what I do suggest is for you to see your doctor and then let him/her start the ball rolling so that you can get the help and support you need.It's a very unpleasant situation for you and the kids, and any reconciliation between the two of you seems to be slender, I hope not. Geoff.

Doolhof · ‎21-08-2015

Hi Alx,

This is a tough situation you find yourself in. Sounds like you really want things to work with your wife. Must be tough knowing she is out with another guy while you are at home looking after the boys.

Not really sure what to suggest here. Geoff has mentioned some form of counselling. If your wife is up to some relationship counselling that would be great, but it seems like she has made up her mind as to how she wants things to be!

I would certainly suggest you try to get some advice and help for yourself. I can totally understand that you are not in a good place mentally.

You could share more here if you feel like you are able to or want to. You could call the Relationships Australia number and have a chat with someone there. They might be able to offer you some advice.

You could call the Beyond Blue phone number or use their webchat service. If you look on the internet or in your local phonebook you will find all kinds of groups and organisations you could call for advice or just to have someone to chat with.

You may also have to start setting rules and boundaries with your wife. You both need to be available and responsible for your children. This situation must be affecting them, maybe more than you both realise.

Hope this has been of some help to you! Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Simona · ‎21-08-2015

She is cultivating a new relationship while you are looking after the children - how is that going to help you save 'the marriage' Alx? She has free babysitting. Yes i know you love them - they are your babies but you are allowing her the freedom and opportunity to be with another man & then come home to her freshly bathed children who are oblivious to this bizarre charade. It's almost too convenient!

Regardless of your trying if she has made up her mind and is not open to reconciliation you are just prolonging the inevitable & setting yourself up for a whole ton of hurt and from my distant observation she has already left the building.

I understand you want to keep the family unit together but at what cost? possibly playing stepdad to another man's child if her new love interest bails out? And seriously, for just how long are you willing to play this out? Things can get a whole lot messier when we don't know when to let go. How many more date nights? how many more boyfriends?

Alx · ‎21-08-2015

Yes I understand there will be a trust issue and so far as that is concerned I feel she had not consummated anything in the past while she was considering the possibility to work things out. She has stated that she wants to live the fun years of her life that she missed out on after having our first child at 21 ... At the expense of our marriage it seems; I had asked her how she thinks we would be if we both put in effort to make the marriage work and her reply was it probably would

Alx · ‎21-08-2015

We have made an attempt at counciling in the past which did not progress past the session after seperate sessions, I asked to book another session for us she went on to get further guidance for herself and proceeded to get her self sorted out with a plan B if things did not work out the way she wanted. I had heavy work commitments that year which in hindsight took its toll on the family ... Recently I undertook to only work mon- fri and no weekend work and met with some success in the home life. While I was earnestly trying to measure up to her expectations she had been on a social media/ dating/ hook up app though she had noticed some changes but thought they would not be permanent ... I tried so hard to save my family and made a couple of monumental mistakes along the way

Alx · ‎22-08-2015

Thanks Simona I do understand the issues mentioned and updates the past few days has things getting real, I am over the emotional torture I have had the past few months with trying to save the family ... I'm satisfied that she is someone else's problem now 🙂 there has been a few petty arguments over stupid things but it's just her trying to justify to herself the reasons for her leaving ... Basically she is 28 and I'm 52 she is absolutely drop dead gorgeous with a gym body that just won't quit. And now after having the first of our 3 boys at 21 wants to go out and live the fun years that she missed out on ... Can't really do that with 3 kids at home and no family to help out; it's been a long time coming I guess. So now the future is my focus and to sort out the property settlement (read shared debt) and care arrangements for the children . She thinks I will get all the debt and she will have the furniture and extensive wardrobe she had amassed ... Not to mention the $6000 odd cash she is carrying around in her handbag which she squirreled away the past year or two ... My current job will finish next week and what I have after that I am unsure ... so I will be out living in the ute :))

Simona · ‎23-08-2015

Oh what a handful Alx.....your post almost makes me lost for words... However now that you have given us a more detailed version of your unfortunate predicament it all makes sense - the coin fits the slot. I am pleased for you that you are no longer emotionally distressed and that things are now 'real' however living in your ute? - surely you kid with me! A man of your disposition surely has friendly allies in times of need no?

You are in my thoughts Alx - I cross fingers for you and your 3 precious babies 🙂

Doolhof · ‎27-08-2015

Hi Axl,

Just checking in to see how you and the children are getting on.

I hope you are all safe and secure and something has been organised for you all.

You have certainly found yourself in a very unfortunate situation. I hope you are able to eventually move on and provide a safe and secure home for your children, or are they staying with their Mum? Either way, I hope you will be able to have quality time with your children.

Wishing you all the best from Mrs. Dools

LateInLife · ‎30-09-2015

Hi Alx

I can emphasize with you as I am in the same situation. We have been married for 27 yrs and separated for 1 month. I have 19 and 21 year old sons at home.

I know my wife has been dating and seeing this guy as it was an EA before the separation. She admits nothing but all the tell tale signs are there.

I have since moved on and have a peace about it (we understand why our relationship has gone) however, I would rather she not date whilst we are still married and separated under the same roof.

I am half tempted to boot her out the door as she has agreed she will go but will be very hard up to live. I feel a need to still provide for her so torn up between this and getting on with my life and kicking her out.

Seen a counselor a few times and between the counselor and my friends, the transition has been so much easier.

If she ever came around and asked to re-conciliate I personally would not be able to trust her again as some of her actions are definitely mid life crisis and elevated desires etc and she would probably go wondering again.

My two sons think it is the best for me and say I am so much carefree cooler and joy to be with. They want to stay with me and see and do very little with my wife now. They see her as the big bad ogre 🙂

Anyway, it is tough but hang in there as my first few weeks was a shocker. Above all make sure to speak to others constantly. Every time I spoke to someone I came away feeling that little bit better.

Regards

D