Seeking tips on learning to be less apologetic

[Dtmah]

Often when my partner gets irritated or angry with me, I tend to apologise immediately and then I would hate myself for being so apologetic because in hindsight I don't think I am either the sole person at fault or have actually done anything wrong.

What can I do to be more respectful to myself?

Sample scenario:

I find it hard to show appreciation for my partner in a way that they could understand. I have been feeling quite down about this problem in our relationship, but still committed to try to change and improve my communication with them.

So I decided to write it down as a thank you note so they could read it when they are ready. (Because at the time they are really busy with work).

My partner saw me passing them the note and without reading it, reacted really strongly and negatively, assuming it was a negative note.

I mumbled that it was a thank you note. But they continued to react in an irritated way, telling me they have this work that they are doing and now they have to deal with this note.

I was feeling quite hurt and rejected by then.

But my immediate response was to apologise for disturbing their work and having poor communication skills.

I hate myself for saying that because I feel like they should also take responsibility for overreacting despite feeling stress about work at the time.

Any thoughts/ suggestions on what I should have done/could do better for next time?

Thanks.

[geoff]

Hello Dtmah, welcome to the forums.

Apologising all the time doesn't make the situation any better because if you keep doing it, only to restore trust or to keep in favour with your partner it can have repercussions.

It's not good to keep on apologising because there will moments when you don't need to do this because you are right, and it's only establishing a false relationship.

If you keep saying 'sorry' then it's only going to make you expect to be wrong, when in fact you're not, so it develops a negative attitude that's certainly not healthy for yourself.

If you do give someone a thank you note and their reaction isn't positive, then you need to think about the relationship.

It should go both ways, give and take and if a marriage/relationship is solely dominating then your chance of being able to move forward is restricted.

Get some counselling from a psychologist but you need to be strong in the current situations you're in.

Take care.

Geoff.

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Welcome to beyond blue.

There are times when I would do the same as you. That is I would use a note to my wife because there was something I was unable to say. So I get that part. If something wasn't my fault however, I did not apologize, instead I would let the negative thoughts grow inside. IE grumpy. And there are times when I do make my fault. The apology part is something I would do more at work.

Some ideas...

Walk away from the situation.

It sounds like your partner was stressed at the time. Reframe your thoughts.

Perhaps you could talk about what happened later on in the day? Your partner might not be able to open up about some things with you.

You did nothing wrong just didn't turn out how you wanted. Practice not saying sorry. It will be hard at first. Eventually you will get there

Tim

[quirkywords]

Dtmah

I can relate so much to your post.

I hate conflict bad I over apologise all the time and then like you feel bad I can’t stnad up for myself.

I try to not apologise if I feel I have no reason to. I try not to think in terms of right and wrong. There are many shades and people misunderstand each other.

Are you a people pleaser like me and so feel the neel to make people happy but later do not feel that is right.?

Does your partner apologise even later ?

I Think making excuses for another’s behaviour is another way of apologising.

You sound like are you are sensitive and understanding .

Geoff and Tim have given you helpful suggestions.

I know from experience you need to ok after yourself and be,Evie you have a right to an opinion without being criticised or misunderstood .

Quirky