Second place to the farm

Farmers_wife · ‎03-01-2023

Since we got married (many years ago) it's always felt like hubby puts the farm first in every way shape n form & to be honest I'm absolutely over it & fed up. Our bedroom has no insulation & a termite hole in the wall plus we have about $3k of flat pack robes still in boxes from about 4 years ago, hubby won't fix bedroom until new cattle yards are built. Bathroom is revolting with paint peeling off the uneven walls but can't get any tradies here for at least 12mths so hubby says book one in & when the time comes we'll see if we can afford it. Our dream home came up for sale in 2022 but we were 60k short because we bought a baler on finance on accountant advice. I fear we're stuck in a very old house that needs a lot of work for the rest of our lives.

I'm absolutely fed up with feeling like me & the house are second fiddle to the farm. Every time I bring it up we end in an argument & there's no one nearby I can talk with coz it'll get back to hubby & cause more arguing.

I'm even questioning whether I should be leaving him & making a new life for myself. Doesn't help we never get a break unless it's shopping or medical related

Doolhof · ‎03-01-2023

Hi Farmers_wife,

Welcome to the community here. I'm really sorry to read how much you are struggling. I have not lived that life myself, but growing up in a country region, I have certainly witnessed what you have written about.

Would you find it helpful to phone Beyond Blue or Life Line? I know some states also have Rural Support services, it would depend which state you are in as to what is available.

I have met people who ended up walking away from farms because they could no longer afford to live there. It is devastating. I live in a rural area again now and I can see poverty around me. I don't know how people manage to stay on the land sometimes. It can be very tough.

Not being able to discuss this issue together without arguments sounds like it may be an issue you are both struggling with.

It is really hard living in a situation that is not as you desire it to be. Is there one small thing you could do to make life a little more bearable? I know that doesn't solve the huge financial issues you have, it may help a little to find something to make your day a little more acceptable.

Regards to you from Doolhof

Farmers_wife · ‎03-01-2023

I should clarify that we aren't cash strapped, yes we missed out on our dream home after years searching but we could have afforded the pmts its just that we didnt 'tick all the boxes' for the bank systems. My gripe is that I fed up with feeling like the homestead is less important than the farm. Longest break we've had since getting married in the 90's was 8 days & there's been no break for 3 years now. I know its not easy for us to get away as the work waits for no-one, I'm just sick of feeling like the house isn't important. Am I being selfish by wanting a nice house to live in? Im in my 50's

Doolhof · ‎04-01-2023

Hi Farmers_wife,

Thanks for the clarification regarding finances. Being short on finances can make life so difficult and challenging.

Is it possible for you to go on holidays by yourself or is that not an option. It may not be what you want either, a holiday together may well be preferable but it seems that is currently not on offer.

It is a shame you missed out on your dream home due to not fulfilling the banks requirements, that must have been very disappointing. Have you been looking for another home? Has the bank explained what is required to receive finances if there is a next time?

Do you have the opportunity to have a day trip somewhere? I know it is not the same as a holiday. I find a day away to be very beneficial to my mental health and wellbeing.

LonelyandRural · ‎08-01-2023

Hi farmers wife,

I am also living with a farmer. I struggle too with feeling like my daughter and I come second to the farm. It's often a lonely life. It sounds like you would like your needs and wants to come first some time. It's hard to have these discussions without it turning into a fight.

There a days I totally get why the farm takes up all his time and energy. But I also feel like I get left to pick up the dregs or I'm just around to help the practical things go smoothly ie clean the house and make dinner. My partner is not bad and he loves me a lot but sometimes I just want more from him.