Scared, weak

[Dot20]

I'm scared I'm not strong enough that my ex will not get it through his head i no longer want a relationship not with him not with anyone, we have a police issued family violence order (for him) last weekend, he's promised before to change but I no longer believe I've tried too hard for too long waiting for him to change its never going to happen i need to stick up for my kids that is his target (verbally, minimal physical) not acceptable never acceptable and I'm so guilty for letting it go on for so long my eldest son left me because of this (now 17 at his dads) and my 12yr old daughter became the new target of derogatory remarks teasing bullying belittling nit picking bossing being jealous of my kids, picking on my 5yr old (also his, 12yr old not not 17yr old), how do I be strong and stick to my decision I've given in too many times before I feel he thinks this is the same and I'm determined it won't be but I don't feel strong, I've given in to conflict so much lately because I can't handle the drama the anger. I'm not that person I'm not angry all the time but he made me feel that was my only choice, I am ashamed of myself for the past for now I don't feel I can talk to my family about how I feel I'm so terribly ashamed. I'm not in a good place but I have to return to work as I'm letting them down too by taking time off and I think I need the distraction and friends, I can't stop cleaning my house and decluttering i just want to throw it all out, I want him to get his stuff but don't want to push him as I'm afraid when he realises it's over for real he will get mad and I will have more to deal with I'm scared I don't have enough fight in me

[Croix]

Dear Dot20~

Sophie_M has given you some good  advice, this most important of which is that you are a good mother no matter what you think.  Being a good mother is not always a conventional thing, but soldiering on in the most horrible of circumstances and at the same time keeping the ability to love your children and keep them as safe as you can.

You have always done what is necessary at the time, even if it means giving in to him. All that has taken away your realistic picture of yourself - a person who does what is necessary. You have been brave, separating and calling the police in the past, and probably has as much fear then.

You have said it is over-time that you took the action even though you are frightened  and get him to understand it is over - maybe by throwing his things out. The police are already involved and may well be able to help if he becomes unreasonable or abusive. 1800 RESPECT can give a lot of advice, from bank accounts to leases to mobile phones.

They may be able to point you to a local organisation that wil help you too.

Incidentally I'm not sure you have permanently lost your eldest. A while living with his father may well persuade him things are not as straightforward a he assumed as a young man.

Do you have anyone to help? Is there family member or freind who can be with you for a while?

You are always welcome here

Croix