Sad, lonely and craving affection

[Lookingforpeace]

Hi everyone

Just feeling a bit sad and lonely and need to vent.

I've been with my partner for 5 years and he's never been overly affectionate (whether in public or privately), and i have always told him that's something I crave. Well last year we had lots of problems and seem to have gotten through them, but lately I've been finding myself just feeling really lonely and unloved because he's still not giving me the affection I need and I'm still healing from our issues of last year.

I tend to get a lot of attention from other men but obviously don't want to go 'elsewhere' for the attention i crave.

What more can I do when i have told him specifically that's what i need??

[JessF]

Hello Lookingforpeace, how has your partner responded when you have had these talks?

[Lookingforpeace]

Hi JessF

Thanks for the reply.

At first, he gets defensive. Then he says he will try and he does for a few days/weeks then falls back into old habits.

[geoff]

dear Lookingforpeace, when we want affection either physical or psychologically it doesn't matter which and have always been brought up living with this, it's so important that we need it to continue, and when it's not then we seem to fall into a different state of mind, which can lead to being neglected and eventually becoming depressed.

I just wonder whether he has always been like this especially when you first met, or if he changed all of a sudden.

I myself just love affection and when I am rejected I climb into my little hole and want to be by myself so that I can recover, so with you it's probably the same, so this is what I worry about. L Geoff. x

[Lookingforpeace]

Hi Geoff

That's exactly what I do.

He has always been like this. But I think my priorities when we first got together were different so i didnt put as much emphasis on the affection. Also, I didnt realise how important it was to me. I didnt get much affection growing up so i'm not sure whether i crave it more as a result.

[JessF]

Hmm this is very tricky. I think the more needy you appear, the worse it will make the problem. Do you think it's worth you having some counselling around what you've recognised around your lack of receiving affection when growing up? These past feelings could be triggering something for you, making you feel a 'rejection' from your partner when that is not his intention.

[Lookingforpeace]

You make a good point Jess. Yes perhaps I will. I'd really like to be fully invested in the relationship again, I just feel like I need that affection to bridge the gap

[JessF]

Hello Looking, Billy Connolly has a very funny quote where he says that apparently men need to have sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to have sex, and how that puts us on a collision course from day one! These things can be a catch 22, but not uncommon. I wonder if it's possible for you to meet halfway somehow.