Sabotaging my own happiness

[Wishful_thinking]

Hello everyone , I've come here to seek the advice of strangers as you guys will be the ones looking in.
Here goes!!..
I've been with my partner for almost two years ,his the most perfect
Person I've ever met!!. He makes me incredibly happy and in a way
His sorta saved me :).
My problem is myself that I know ,but I can't for the life of me
Stop thinking that he maybe cheating or at least talking to someone
Now I know deep down that he would not cheat on me as his already
Been through it twice and he got really low
I get on so well with his family and he with mine
We have already talked about starting a family and getting married
And just growing old with each other.
I've talked to him about similar things before and we've
Already been through the "if you cheat on me it's over" conversation
But I just can't get over it..
I sound crazy even while I wrote this ... I no he wouldn't hurt me
And there is no way in hell I'll ever leave him.
We were both in very difficult places when we first met and his family
Has come to me and thanked me for bringing
There son back to them.
I do have anxiety and some days it's so bad I just want to cry..
I've been hurt in the past with other people So I do have trust issues
But I don't want to keep having to get him to reassure me that I'm the one..
His a plumber and his just had on call come back , he gets into this
Sorta trance when his on call ,I asked him about it and his told me
That when his on call he can't relax and the jobs never really done, that I get ..
I also get that his always checking his phone ,but sometimes he messages
And he will move away or walk away..
I don't go through his phone and he does t go through mine .however if we ever
Asked each other ,we would hand over ours phones with no second though,
I kinda don't really know what I'm seeking here , we both work full time jobs
We live with each other and have pets. He starts early and finishes early ,I on the other hand
Start late and finish sometimes late..I feel bad for him cause his alone for hours while I'm working..
I have low self-esteem and sometimes I feel like he could do better..even though I've told him that and his told me his punching above his weight ... I love this man sooo much and to think about life without him makes me incredibly sad..
I'd do anything for this man ,and I want to fix myself so I can finally relax and just let him love me..
Thanks :)

[Swan_13]

Hey Wishful,

It sounds like you've met someone that has really complimented your life, that's amazing. You have so many positive things to say about your relationship but I completely get that doubts and insecurities can come up. I think a lot of people experience this to some degree, but it becomes a problem when we start to feel like it's taking up too much space in our thoughts. It's almost like once we start putting scenarios in our mind they, in a sense, become our reality.

When you catch yourself having these thoughts, it might be helpful to think about what you might say to a friend if they were in this exact same situation...

In saying that, have you ever spoken to anyone about your insecurities apart from your partner? When you're feeling this way it might be helpful to pick up the phone and ask a friend for their objective opinion.

I heard an analogy from a teacher of mine that stuck with me... I know it might come across as a bit simplistic and it’s not always this easy, but it has helped me in the past. He compared intrusive thoughts to waiting for a train at the train station. The train (those insecurities) pulls up at the station - we have two choices; we can either get on that train and be consumed by those intrusive thoughts, or, we can watch the train pull up, feel the presence of it temporarily, and allow it to depart the station without boarding it. I think it's perfectly fine to acknowledge those feelings and thoughts and forgive yourself for times that they do pop up.

Again, it sounds like even though you have these intrusive thoughts, you feel as though you have a trusting and loving relationship, which is something to be proud of. I hope this helps to some extent!

[paddyanne]

Hi Wishful thinking. Being hurt by previous partners can cause problems with future partners. The feeling of being left out when your now partner is talking to a customer. I gather he works alone. How about learning everything about plumbing and asking if he requires assistance. I know you said you have a job, but there's always room to learn something new every day. Maybe you could offer to help with bookwork, he obviously has out of pocket expenses. My late SIL's husband had his own business building. She took over his books as he didn't have time. She oversaw any and all outgoings and income, therefore easing his load. Working together could cement the relationship more and I'm sure he would appreciate the help. Also maybe offer to answer his phone and take messages so he can relax and enjoy your company more.

[Doolhof]

Hi Wishful thinking,

You have had a couple of great replies here. I like the idea of helping out with the plumbing side of things where you can.

Do you have the weekends together or is your boyfriend sometimes on call then? Can you make your weekends extra special?

It helps me to sometimes think about or write down all the good things about my relationship. Helps me to focus on what I might sometimes miss.

It sounds like you have a fairly open communication style with your boyfriend, that certainly helps.

The train analogy is a good one. We can entertain our thoughts or try to let them go without taking them onboard.

ope you can find ways to create an even stronger relationship where the doubts don't have room.

All the best from Dools

[Wishful_thinking]

thank you for replying .. i think there all good ideas and i shall put all of them into practice.. i hope you have a good day 🙂

[Wishful_thinking]

than you for taking the time to reply, i love the concept of the train , it makes sense and im really going to put that into practice i hope you have a wonderful day 🙂

[Wishful_thinking]

thank you for replying, i do get him to teach me about plumbing not only to talk with him but to also educate myself , the more i learn the better.. have a wonderful day 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Wishful thinking,

It sounds like you are willing to consider ideas and strategies that may help you further and that you also try to interact with your boyfriend anyway.

Finding ways to help ourselves and each other certainly benefits our relationships.

I've had a restorative day today! In other words, I didn't do much except rest and revitalise. Hopefully I will have more energy and enthusiasm for the weekend now.

Cheers from Dools