Ruled by anxiety of previous relationships *Trigger warning: history of suicide attempt*
When I was younger I was very depressed and attempted suicide. I remember presenting ED a few times when I thought I was close again. I remember one night the private hospital turned me away (regrettably) because as a uni student I couldn't afford to purchase a room. I remember sitting in the rain in the car park not having the courage to actually get it done, I was just crying out for help. I was so worried I would keep having episodes like this. I felt like that independent of the break ups but the breaks up were catalysts to those situations presenting again and often in their worst state.
The reason I say that is for context. Its been 6 or 7 years since I have taken medication for my mental health. I don't know what you call it. Some doctors say depression, some anxiety, towards the end the Psychiatrist called it bipolar. I live with my highs and my lows. I now find myself with a lovely girl. A gentle soul and nothing surer in this world than she is kind and nothing like that which has hurt me before. But my anxiety rules me. My mind races. The first person I trust not to be like that, but to trust is just to set myself up for such a situation above, or worse, to happen again. I find myself inventing scenarios, anxiety ruling my mind at the thought of if I finally, honestly trust again that nothing sinister is going on that I will end up in the same situation but worse. I know that if I was to dive in again and have it happen again then I dont have the capacity to survive it.
How do you move past your mind's own protective instinct?
It sounds so simple, or so common, but for me it's everything because it feels like I don't have another shot in me after that.
Welcome here to the Forum, I'm glad you came as you sound stuck, and considering what has happened to you in the past I'm not surprised. You are obviously a person who loves deeply, and like so many, expect others to behave as you do - sadly not always the case.
You also find it very difficult when betrayed and it affects you so you are so down you have suicidal thoughts.
You have also run up against our medical system which is truly terrible at times.
Now you are with someone you love and are afraid. Actually everyone takes a risk in relationship, it is just many do not think of it. In your case, if you do have Bipolar as you were diagnosed I'm sure you realize that when you are up things -and people - seem great, and when you are down all seems headed for disaster.
Really these are the extremes, and I would suggest that firstly you see your medical team and see what can be done to stabilize the bipolar, so your judgments may have more perspective.
While I think of it do you have anyone in your life -apart from your new love - who you can lean on for talk and care, a family member perhaps? It makes a great difference not to feel so isolated.
When in a level mood, do you think it might be worth talking things over with your new companion, telling of your mental condition and how it - together with the past - makes it difficult for you to trust?
I'm sure if she loves you she would have noticed something already, and it is possible may in fact be wondering what she is doing wrong.
Lastly I suggest you get together what's called a Safety Plan, you use it if for any reason you start to feel overwhelmed and think of taking your life.
A plan like that is not exactly what you would expect, not just emergency numbers and so on, but lists of things you can do, things you like that give you a lift, plus more. I have books, movies, pets, people, YouTube clips and more in mine.
It is free and goes on a smartphone. It needs someone to help you fill in all the things you have enjoyed in the past and might give you a lift now - I say this because I found it hard to remember any by myself.
The one I use is here
I would be very pleased if you came back and said what you thought
First thank you so much for the reply, I read it as you posted and have only just sourced my login details again. Even your response gave me a lift upon reading, much in line with your suggestion of reaching out.
I have somewhat successively managed my condition with exercise, sleep and diet for a long time now. Routine being key. My highs were routine and I could proactive strategise for them. I despise medication in my body. What I'm feeling now is a sustained anxiety that I have not felt before. A tightness in my chest I usually felt on my way down, now accompanies my racey thoughts. It has now been 14 days straight of this and well outside my normal pattern.
I have explained to my partner to the extent it being anxiety am not yet comfortable sharing beyond that with her. All of what you say is correct and I do need to identify somebody, that i know. Perhaps this was an outlet in lieu of having that already.
Thank you for the considered message, that did make a different to me when I read it, taking time to reach out.
It is good to hear from you again, and I'm pleased you have made a start in unburdening yourself to your young lady, yes, I know, I said start. That's OK, as you grow in confidence you may find talking easier.
As your confidence grows? No not a random assumption,more a probability as it became for me
There are a couple of things I'd like to tell you about my own illness, in the hope you can see parallels.
I guess the first and most imortant is that recovery from a mental illness (and no, recovery does not mean 'fixed") is something if you are fortunate is done by two people. My partner has been a very major influence in mine - when I eventually talked to her about my suicidal that is. In fact I'd never old anyone before and it had been going for years with a couple of attempts.
The point being if you are loved it can make a difference.
Secondly my improvement to the stage I'm at now was honesty with my psychiatrist, therapy and medications. In the same way a diabetic needs insulin, I needed something to help with my mental illness other than just soldiering on.
It was a long journey, this is because everyone is different, there are many drugs and dosages, and finding the right one can be difficult. Many times I thought I was seeking the impossible.
I got there, no side effects and it actually works, allowing me a fuller better life where I love and am loved, take responsibility and give it, and trust! -both myself and my partner.
Medication in your body can be necessary, is no sign of weakness, and if you are the same as me will find the right one. You are in charge of finding it, using your medical team's knowledge.
The third thing is routine. True if you always do the same thing then you can anticipate what may trigger you or make you down or high. This really is only a stage, recovery comes when you can deal with the unusual or unexpected - using the experiences you had when your life was almost always the same
I made miscalculations and mistakes, but humans can learn and grow -and end up more stable, confident and happier as a result.
I don't know if you can relate to the above, I do hope so, please come back and say what you think.