Dear GA,
I was married 11 years with two daughters then 7 and 4 and my dog. I had no option but to leave through being emotionally abused by my then wife. One week prior to leaving I was for the only time in my life- suicidal.
I then had a 10 year defacto relationship, a lady I loved dearly but she had big issues with my daughters, the eldest that had come to live with us in particular. She was also a closet drinker (of course I had driven her to drink!). So I had to terminate the relationship even though I loved her.
Neither of those breakups were easy. The first one I ended up in a 3 metre caravan in a caravan park. 3 months of crying, barely able to work as my emotions took over and grieving for my lost full time fatherhood. Once I dropped of my girls to their mother and did the usual- walk 4 metres onto her land to pat my old dog. She told me I could no longer pat the dog. - heartbreaking and cruel.
Then I found a block of land, spent every spare moment there ready to build my new home (by myself) and sharing that progress with my girls every second weekend. I found direction! I also overcame all obstacles that were thrown at me- child support for example. My ex wife even told child support, on completion of the home I built with my own bare hands, that she deserved more money as "he has a brand new house". I overcame those obstacles because I had that direction.....I had plans and nobody was going to kill them!!
The second seraration I rented a house around the corner for 12 months and because of the first experience I knew that until I found a new direction I would continue to miss my lady more and more. I again found a block of land. Had a garage erected and a firm to build my new cottage. Frankly I amde myself too busy to grieve. "Idle minds and doomed"
Now that cottage is 5 years old. I married again 3 years ago to a close friend of 25 years. She was my ex brother in laws ex wife. I'd match made them 20 years earlier. She was also my daughters favourite auntie. I'm happy. But the memories of those emotional times post separation haunts me today. It is soooo traumatic and soo potentially destructive.
There seems a process......grief for your loss, emptiness, dealing with good memories etc. Often we forget how bad it really was with that person. Then the second phase is what I call the "limbo" phase. This is when nothing occurs, no progress no regress....nothing. Then the forward stage. Its when you start a plan, a new beginning. This could come in so many forms....as I had with buying land for my future. It could be a new man in your life, new friends, a cruise, a soul searching plan...anything that involves forward direction.
These phases have various time scales and that depends on the individual so let them happen. Some know I'm a poet. Usually its sad poetry but many are also positive as well as sad. If one was to compare the poetry immediately post separation to 4 months down the track it is completely different. Such is the depth of grief.
Please dont allow the grief period to engulf you. I too felt they were 11 years and 10 years "down the drain". But once you finally break free of the "limbo" stage and move forward those years become experiences that make you wiser with clarity, calmer with greater knowledge and freedom with all the benefits....like meeting a partner you really do deserve.
Cyber hug
