Rocket Science

[Girl_Anachronism]

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all. 

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us. 

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me. 

Seven years of my life. Gone. 

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/  This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

I was going to be flippant here and provide a comical response - well, it was going to make me smile - but I'm sensing that this isn't the time.

So apart from that, I really don't have anything constructive to say in this post, which isn't good.  GA, can I just check - you are now living with a 'friend', yes??   Which is that you aren't alone at the moment, or are you?  And I'm really sorry if you've already said this, but I'm just wanting to confirm.

I wish I had something positive for you - but at this time, it's really early days and the only thing I can think of to say is:  "Just remember back to the last few months and how it was for you".  The decision is right - it will just take time to get through this period.

Please take care GA

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

Yes I am living with a friend. Two friends really, since it is her and her husband. There are also kids around, which is either a good or bad thing depending on how my mood is, how strong a mask I can put up and what mood they are in.

Doing the best I can, but is it ok if just go back under the doona and not come out for a week? The split is turning very nasty now, on hisenf. He cut off my phone instead of authorising in the right name so I could transfer it to mine. I guess at least this way I'll get a new number which I won't give to him. That's something right? 

It's something. Good or bad I can't tell any more. I am just so tired. Can this be over already?

Five hours sleep is not enough to deal with this.

GA

[Bridge]

hey GA

just dropping you a line to let you know im still here, still reading, still cheering you on from the sidelines.

neil- i loved your reply about cooking for three and putting it in the fridge.  SO true.

GA, you need to take that advice.  Its very good.  (now im sounding like my bossy mother..)

however, hang out under the doona for a bit first. and sit in the sunshine if there is any and you feel like it.

its not been long.  give yourself some space to adapt.

hang in there!

Bridge

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Bridge, 

Today seemed to be better. I had a marathon ten hours sleep, a miracle for an insomniac like me and woke up hyper. I also woke up with a cat sprawled across my lap so I didn't move for two hours simply because she was too cute to disturb. Eventually my bladder took higher priority. 

But I say hyper because I woke up with a natural, buzz or high. My head freaked out for a bit, because I haven't felt this for months, if not longer. I think it was happiness but I am not entirely sure. I don't remember when I woke with this feeling last. 

I am definitely better without him. I will beat this. Or die trying right? Either way the brain chemistry lottery rolled some good numbers and so I capitalised on it, get a new phone number which He doesn't have and caught up on the phone with my mum and via text with my sister. We are catching up tomorrow to go shopping and dye my hair. 

I dressed for once, completely free of black today. My friends said that I looked brighter, happier today and that they hadn't seen me dress this way, nor in a skirt for years. Thinking back its true. In the relationship, there as always that little bit of me that held back, that went conservative, that closed the shutters because of fear of what he might think. Relationships shouldn't be like that. 

I also might be getting my new bedding this week. They have the designs I picked out at a local store. 

You know I almost didn't post about it today, but the good days, rare as they are should be documented as well as the bad. 

Today was a good day.

GA

"I woke up this morning, made a pot of coffee/ I went out on the stairs to sit in the sun/  I haven't been myself, I know I haven't been much fun/  But I woke up this morning and the air tastes different.."

Ride This Feeling, Kate Miller-Heike

[Guest_3712]

Hi GA.

don't ask why just enjoy

and as always

Be kind to yourself

(   shopping and hairdresser a great  start )

Stressless

[Jo3]

Hey GA

I am smiling while reading your post.  You sound like you are in a much better place at the moment.  Shopping and getting your hair coloured - that's a good start.  Go for something different, different style and colour.

I am happy for you, I think this is the new GA we will see on here. Hope you have another great day today.

And it starts with baby steps, little steps and you will see the sun shine on you, oh I am happy for you GA.

Enjoy your day today

Thinking of you

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Today is so not a good day. 

No hair colour, can't afford it. No shopping. I'm just a leech on other people. He took everything of value in the divorce, physically. He also took my dignity, my hope, my dreams, my pride. I have nothing left. 

 I must be a terrible person to have deserved him. I am a terrible person. 

Yesterdays happiness was just a fleeting dream. Why do I bother to try? Why do I do anything?

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Psych appointment today. Harrowing but useful. Good day, then comhome to find one of my cats missing. I would give anything right now to make sure she is ok, and comes home. I have sent the word out on fb and will call local vets and cat shelters tomorrow. Food and clothes that smell like me just outside the house so she might not get lost, but we have only been here two weeks. 

Just why life? I don't need these obstacles, I don't need to lose something else I love, one of the two family members that kept me going when nothing else did, and folowed me through the divorce.

I just want my Sydney back. You can take everything else, but don't take my kitties.Please don't take them.

GA

[Jo3]

H

[Jo3]

Hi GA

Oh you poor thing, I hope and pray your Sydney comes back asap.  I am sending you some positiveness goodness that your beautiful cat comes back.

GA you are NOT a terrible person, don't believe that for one minute.  You are a beautiful, intelligent, caring, strong person. I know right now you don't see this but from where you started on here you have grown so much and I can see so many changes in you.

Sending you a big hug, praying for Sydney to come back

Take care

Jo xx