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Relationship failing from depression

Peanuthead
Community Member
I'm not sure what to do in my relationship I feel like it's impossible to keep it healthy. My partner is very helpful with my anxiety and depression, he's very reassuring and patient with me but it's come to the point where I believe there is constant sadness all the time and I feel guilty for making him have to put up with me. When i'm happy we are perfect but when I'm not, we aren't at all, and I'm the only one who creates conflict in our relationship from these spouts of anxiety and panic attacks. When I asked him why he didn't ever get mad or annoyed at me he responded by telling me he wasn't an angry person, which is so hard for me because I feel awful every time I randomly go through these moods and am currently ridden with guilt and ashamed of the way I acted recently towards him with jealousy when he did nothing wrong and made a fool of myself in front of all my friends. I am very insecure about our relationship from past incidences with other partners and family and he knows this, but for me it comes easy to blame my actions on my mental health and trauma. I don't know how to face him, I feel so full of guilt it's making me sick. I never want to lose him but I feel like I can't get out of this cycle, I have no idea what to do. help
2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

That "cycle" is well known by other members here. Depression cycles, moods, anxiety and so on all have their idiosyncrasies, often in a cyclic manner. In my case my wife and I benefit from both of us having a mental disorder/s. We understand if the other person is having an "off" day and we adjust the best we can maybe by leaving the other with their hobby for a while or altering our environment to go to a café for a coffee. These sorts of distractions are for us, essential and learned from past issues early in our marriage. In fact we married in 2011 but had been best friends for 25 years prior (we also were married to siblings of one family). None of that prepared us however for marriage with mental illness lurking in the background.

So to wrap that part up you will learn as you go on to warn him you are off colour that day. He will learn to take precautions on that day and be more gentle with you. As you both age you get to know each other better and it does become easier.

As for your embarrassment at the gathering- we all go through that. time will erase that from your memory until one day a similar situation arises and you'll stop yourself. It's called "benefit of the doubt".

google

Beyondblue topic benefit of the doubt

Even in relationships without mental illness, conflict occurs. Some years ago I dreamt up the following plan. It works. If you and your partner fully commit to this plan you will resolve your conflict within one hour and move on much faster- an insurance of your marriage.

Google

Beyondblue topic relationship strife?- the peace pipe.

Finally always consider an extra visit to your GP and/or psych for medication review and discuss these issues you have with the cycles of mood or snappiness.

Take care.

TonyWK

Hi,

I just wanted to say I resonated deeply with this post. I can’t offer much help, but maybe someone can help me?

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years now and have had severe anxiety and depression that whole time. Our relationship has been extremely tough on both of us. But it’s now at a point where neither of us can cope if the other one is already feeling down.

My partner started to suffer depression a little bit a couple of years ago. He refuses to admit it, and refuses to get help. I continue to support him as best I can but sometimes it feels like a recipe for disaster because most of the time I just can’t deal with him feeling down because I don’t feel well enough myself.

I have been seeing a psych for the past 6 years and seeking help, but it’s a long road. How can we keep our relationship alive through all of this? How can I stop lashing out at my partner when we have a day where we are both down?

Maui