Relationship blues

[Guest_342]

Hello. i wanted to ask - do you think there's something odd or selfish about me that i'm coming to realise that I'm perhaps not suited to romantic relationships? I'm at the end of another 5/6 month relationship and I'm just reflecting on the similarities in how My previous relationship have made me feel and consequently ended. I am fiercely independent and earn a comfortable living, own my own home, and have live alone for many years. When my ex-fiance moved into my home years ago, I felt an overwhelming desire for my own space again and to set my own life goals and achievements. The older I get (I'm mid 30s), the harder it is for me to consider sharing my life with someone - I feel so selfish. I met someone earlier this year, who seems lovely and wanted to be totally committed to me, but I kept seeing the little flaws instead of the good things and again was feating having to share my life. I want to have a baby but on my own. I simply don't think I can handle all the challenges that a relationship presents. When people ask me why I want to end things with them and really push for a reason, I never have anything to say. I suppose I just try to say something that could reduce the risk of them thinking they did something wrong - I hate hurting people. Are there other people like me in this regard? Is my reason for ending things with someone legitimate/fair? Right now there's a guy feeling very hurt and confused.

[james1]

Hello Gelati,

It is nice to meet you. I am currently sitting about 3 months out of a 3 year relationship and I'm currently just feeling a bit worn down by my 3 relationships so far, which have lasted between 3 - 4 years each. As you've done, I also have been spending time just reflecting on them and the similarities. But as a word of caution, I feel like hindsight is not quite 20/20 when it comes to romantic relationships, because there's a lot of emotion in them which we lose when looking back. So it's never quite the same, or perhaps quite right.

Anyway, I don't think there's anything wrong with being independent, or even generally wanting to live a single life. I like being single, and there's a lot of things I'm learning I probably would really struggle to give up, but I also want to be open to new experiences generally.

But while I think there's a lot of merit in staying single because of the benefits it brings, I think there's also something to be said for staying single because of a fear or anxiety about being in a relationship.

You mentioned you don't think you can handle all the challenges that a relationship presents. I am not sure what you mean by this. I certainly know that there are a lot of things that are not great about being in a relationship, like the added emotional burden of someone else, or having to compromise on things, but a lot of these aren't necessarily going to come up in a relationship. In many ways, relationships can be formed in ways that suit you both and perhaps don't need to feel so challenging. Was there anything in particular you feel is too difficult?

James

[quirkywords]

Gelato,

Thanks for your honest and detailed response.

I feel some people after a few relationships start to question what they want and whether being single suits them more than being part of a couple.

I wonder do you feel selfish because others make you feel like you need to be in a relationship. Or is there a reason you feel selfish.
Would you consider being in a relationship but each person having their own home?

i think it is selfish when people enter a relationship and then act as if they are still single and neglect the other person. If you feel that a relationship is not want you want now maybe having a break may help you work out what you want.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Gelati,

The many admirable qualities you possess provide for comfortable security and peace of mind... which can carry with them a certain impermeability - not selfishness, per se. You simply don't need anyone in your life (enough) right now to warrant all the effort.

You are independent, self sufficient, and can always have a child of your own (if that's what you choose) - your life is complete (?). You must do what you feel comfortable with and it is not for Conformity to tell you otherwise.

BTW, Have you ever asked yourself this vexing question:

Is it more important for you to love or be loved?

You may find some challenging responses while contemplating this. Feel free to give me your views if you wish.

Regards,

t.

[Guest_342]

Thank you, T, for your response. I really appreciate the time you took to send me your thoughts.

[Guest_342]

Thanks, Quirky. Those are some really helpful things to think about.

[Guest_342]

Hi James. I feel mostly nervous about all of my hard work - good job, savings, my own home - having to be shared if someone won't make efforts in that regard too. But I do have problems sometimes with anxiety and overthinking things 😞

[quirkywords]

Thanks Gelati.
feel free to post here as much as you like.

at my age I try to learn from the past but learn how to still be flexible.