For a while now, my mum and I haven’t really gotten along. It got so bad that I didn’t speak to her for almost two years, even though we live in the same house.
During COVID, her mental health really declined, and she became emotionally abusive. We fought constantly, and eventually I just decided to avoid her completely. I saw a psychologist for a while to help work through it, but it became too expensive to keep going.
Fast forward to now, she seems to be in a better place. She’s apologised, and she’s tried to talk to me about why I resent her and what she can do to fix things. I’ve been trying to get along with her, but it’s honestly really hard. It doesn’t feel natural, and I can’t seem to relax around her. I’m still living at home, but I’m planning to move out with my partner this year.
The reason I’m writing this is because I feel like I’m going crazy. Whenever she talks to me, I instantly get defensive, no matter what she says. She could just ask me if I remembered to empty the lint trap in the dryer, and I’ll snap or sound angry without meaning to. I notice myself doing it and try to calm down, but it only happens with her.
The other night she and my dad were arguing, and she slammed her door. It wasn’t directed at me, but I froze and started shaking and crying. My heart was pounding all over a door slam.
Then this week, we argued again because she ate my food. I completely overreacted, raised my voice, and made it a big deal. Later, I sat in my room thinking, why did I do that? If it were my dad, I probably wouldn’t have cared.
She texted me afterwards saying she’s exhausted from trying to get me to like her and that she does everything for me but I still hate her. I don’t hate her. I just completely shut down around her. It’s like all logic disappears and I feel detached from myself when we interact.
I don’t know how to stop being like this towards her, I’m defensive, and angry whenever I interact with her. We have had good moments but it still just feels off.
