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Promised to have a baby then changed his mind

Justme834
Community Member

I’ve been with the same man for almost four years. We have a 15 year age gap. He is older. For the most part we have a good relationship. That said, he has a short fuse and overreacts to what I would consider minor arguments. He has been married before and had two children during this marriage. His ex wife basically spent his hard earned money and nothing much else. He has never gotten over the negative things that occurred during his marriage.

He was happy to have me in his life...as I am the opposite to her. But every now and then he goes into a deep depression when his ex does something or his kids don’t appreciate him. He takes it out on me. He becomes verbally abusive. Says horrible things.

he promised to have a baby with me. He has now reneged on that. I’m 35. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I love him. I don’t understand why he is doing this. I don’t know what to do. I honestly hate my life. Has anyone experienced anything like this?

3 Replies 3

jess334
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Justme

Welcome to the forums, it can be a great place to chat to people when you are having a hard time.

It must be difficult to be the person he takes things out on. It's not really fair of him to abuse you because other people are upsetting him. Have you tried talking to him about this?

I think I would be very upset if my partner suddenly changed his mind about wanting kids.

Have you considered couples counselling? It might help you get on the same page or at least work through some of the issues regarding his previous relationship.

Please keep posting if you are able or need to.

Kind thoughts, Jess

Hi Jess

Thank you for your response. Very much appreciated.

I have tried talking to him - unfortunately, he drinks alcohol often and it is difficult to find a moment when he is sober. When he is sober he is at work. When I talk to him when he is drunk, he is very cruel. It's almost as if he is having a totally different conversation - he twists everything I say into something negative.

When I talk to him when he is sober - he is better - but he can't handle difficult conversations so he becomes impatient. My window of opportunity to talk to him when he is sober is about 2 minutes before he can't handle the conversation anymore.

He thinks everyone has it in for him. I'm continuously saying sorry - I am not sure why. I reflect on our conversations and don't understand, pretty much ever, what I have done wrong. I have asked him to explain things e.g. what I have done wrong / give me examples - he never can - his responses are always broad/vague.

The flip-flopping on the children thing is really getting me down. I could never say yes to something like that and take it back.

I think perhaps counselling is a good idea - I am not sure if he will go for it.

I love him - and I just want our relationship to be positive. I asked him last night to try and be more positive. His response (and he was drinking) was negative - he put it down to me trying to change him. I don't get that.

J x

Hi J,

It sounds like a really difficult situation.

Even if he doesn't want to go to counselling, you could still go and maybe get some ideas on how to cope or hopefully change the situation.

If you see your GP and get a mental health plan set up, you can get subsidised visits to a psychologist. You will just need a double appointment with your GP to go through the paperwork.

Jess