Porn addicted husband spent 22k on prostitutes

[Goofy]

5 years ago I found out my partner of 20 years has a 35+ year porn addiction and had seen 2 prostitutes. Despite evidence he denied he had seen them, said he just booked them but couldn't go. That there were only were these 2. He then proceeded to threaten to kill himself despite it being me that had been treated appallingly.

We had councelling. He lied all through it. Never admitted what happened. A couple of years later I was fed up with no progress. I said get help or I'm leaving. He went to a counsellor. He NEVER mentioned his sex issue in therapy. I found out that he had spent over 22 thousand on prostitutes and continued to see them the whole time he was supposed to be dealing with his issues in therapy. He lied to me, his own therapist, and in couples therapy. He still said he never went to visit them.

Later he said he visited 1 but never had sex.

All he has ever done is lie and not address the issue. I had enough.

Last we I asked him to move out. For a trial separation. If he doesn't work on this in therapy it will be permanent. My therapist and friends think that as he's had over 20 years of not going to therapy when asked it doesn't seem likely he will now. I agree.

Unfortunately his behaviour has greatly contributed to mental health decline for me. I have severe stress, anxiety and depression. 

My therapist recommends I get a job because she's seen it so many times that husbands just disappear leaving partners penniless. I have been out of the workforce for over 18 years raising kids. I can't seem to get a job. My anxiety is so bad I can't even drive right now.

I feel like I need time to sort out my mental health now he's  gone but I can't afford to take that time because I could end up homeless at any point (he has engineered it so EVERYTHING is in his name) I have no assets, no employment references and I'm sure you've seen the rental market right now. 

So what yo do? I need recovery time but I need work. Anxiety makes it impossible to get work, not having work makes anxiety worse.  

[BlueLily]

Hi Goofy,

Warm welcome to the forum. So sorry to hear about the mental rollercoaster you have been through within last 5 years. You've supported your husband through every step of the way only to be lied and betrayed. 

Unfortunately the consequences of a betrayal is the victim end up suffering even though victim has done nothing wrong. Not a surprise that it has taken a toll on your mental health. I'm glad you are here on the forum sharing your story and getting help. 

It is very wise to think about your future and financial security. Getting advice and planning ahead is a good step. Getting back to work and starting a career can take time. At a time like this it would be good to get help from family and friends to find jobs and make recommendations based on any type of skill you have. It can feel like starting over but with help from family and friends you will get there.

Take care of yourself and keep us updated.

[beyond_confused]

Hi Goofy,

I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I'm really proud of you for reaching out and being open on here. You aren't alone and you are stronger than you know. I agree with BlueLily, getting support from friends and family is really important. Look at all the skills you have and start small, you might be able to work for yourself too. When I feel anxious and depressed in my own relationship, I go into full work mode on my own business and put all my energy into that as it's the one thing I can control.

Not sure if that's helpful but don't give up, you can do this!!

[Painfullife]

Hi, I am in deep pain to an extent that I have self killing thoughts and I get nightmares.

15 Nov 2021 is the date I will never forget in my life . This is the day when I discovered my husband addiction to strip club, escorts, prostitution and drugs. Married for almost 17 years now I always thought that we had a strong marriage. 

I started feeling something off from April 2021 where my husband used to have mood swings , always coming home late from work , going to office work yours during Covid 19.

finally on 15 Nov 2021. He confessed that he is going yo strip club 3-4 times a week and sleeping with prostitutes. He said first time he went , he thought he will grab a drink and sit there for 1 hour and heave but it ended up in hiring an escort and having sex. He said he couldn’t handle what he did but still went back next day to hire same escort and ended up using drugs and from there the cycle continued.

my husband also said that he tried stopping this cycle but he couldn’t and he ended up spending 220,000$ in 6 months.

i am completely devastated. I felt so foolish that u never bother to even check bank accounts as I trusted him so much.

he has also accepted that he has porn addiction since 2012 to an extent that he was watching porn every day first thing in the morning 

in 2012 he suggested we should combine our super in to self manage super and he wants to invest in shares himself. He is trying hard to learn share marked from last 22 years with no success and has even lost 100,000$ in shares before we met when he was around 25 years old. 

anyways I was shocked yo find that he has wiped off all our superannuation of last 16 years by investing in wrong shares that he never updated me.

I am completely lost as I always thought he is a honest guy. He is looking after my elderly mother very well.

Dr has diagnosed him with major depressive disorder, PTSD, OCD, maniac state (for his 6 months of sex addiction, drug addiction, reckless behaviour) where he acted completely opposite to his usual behaviour.

his older brother has schizophrenia and older duster has severe depression. 

he also confessed that from last 10 years he started feeling very stressed for his work and developed the habit of watching porn every day.

he is on antidepressants, doing recovery work, quit drugs but still has mood swings here and there.

i am still lost and depressed.

sorry for writing such a long message. Please help

Regards

Rose

[Sophie_M]

Hi Painful life.   

I can read in your message you are experiencing a great deal of pain to the degree of your mind having thoughts of killing yourself.   

This is such a difficult situation you are experiencing and we would like to reach out to you and offer some assistance with you through out this time.   

You can reach out any time 24/7 via phone 1300224636 or via chat Urgent Help - Beyond Blue - Beyond Blue  This link also has information on how to contact lifeline, suicide call back service and 1800respect.   

Hopefully in addition to us offering support, you will also hear from our wonderful community members later today.   

Kind Regards,    Sophie M