Please help

Chrissy123456789 · ‎01-03-2016

I met my fiance a year ago. He was the perfect gentleman and although I wasn't overly attracted to him...i developed deep feelings and love for him over time. He would tell me i was the type of woman that he always dreamed about and pursued me vigorously with everything he could muster...including expensive gifts etc etc...he put me on a pedestal and put me before everything else in his life...his ultimate goal was to make me happy. We are both in our late 40s and i felt this is finally the man i could spend the rest of my life with...about 6 months into the relationship we started silly arguments that got way out of control fast!! I started to realize i was mirroring his negative moods...he became very sensitive and felt i was putting him down etc...I was always shocked and would say but honey thats not what i meant at all...i wasnt purposely trying to offend him. The last conflict we had was four days ago...he had walked off and totally shut down from me. He has said i love you but im not in love anymore...your all i ever wanted in a woman but i think im destined to be a single man and just concentrate on my career...because i think that is what is going to ultimately make me successful and happy. How can love dissapear from someone over night? The week before i got a valentine's card stating..."words cant explain how deeply i love and adore you..you have given me the best gift i have ever known...your heart. I love you today and every other day. Thank you for being my soul mate". What should i do...should i hold on and wait and see if his feelings return?? I'm so confused and don't know where to turn...😦

blondguy · ‎01-03-2016

Good Morning Guest and Welcome to the BB Forums

The 'warm fuzzies' in a relationship are wonderful when a relationship starts and the last a while. Love doesnt disappear over night which you know Guest. Your partner becoming sensitive and negative are classic signs of stress...How is his work going?

I do know it may sound cliched but all good things do takes time (and effort) I think the Valentine's day card was wonderful. You do care a great for your partner Guest. It may be an idea to cruise a bit here and see how he goes...'Haste Makes Waste'....You have everything to gain and nothing to lose here. If you still find yourself stuck maybe a relationship counsellor would be another alternative...It would be interesting if your partner agreed to go with you. If he wants you he will jump at the idea!

Thankyou for having the courage to post. If you wish to get back to us that would be great Guest.

Kind Thoughts

Paul

pipsy · ‎01-03-2016

Dear Chrissy. In one of your sentences you said he put you on a pedestal. The love he felt for you was a worship kind of love where, to him, you could 'do no wrong'. No matter what he said or did, you went along with it because you believed he was right. That's not to say you were wrong to believe in him so much. He sounds as though he has no self confidence unless someone else praises him. You praised him for everything, so you were the perfect partner. His negativity stems from not being able to believe in himself, always needing someone else to build him up. Do you know much about his family, what his parents are like, how they treated him. If they constantly praised him for everything, this can cause untold damage when someone else tries to give him constructive criticism. He needs from you the constant praise he obviously received either from doting, adoring parents or a previous love. Paul has some fantastic ideas too. To gain his trust means you're going to have to 'tread' water a bit. I would say there's a bit of depression there because of his inability to accept you have thoughts too that might differ from his. Perhaps his job could be causing stress, but I can't help thinking he has this idealized notion of 'perfect' love. Don't walk away, I think he does love you, he just needs to know that just because you don't always agree about everything, it doesn't mean love isn't there. The sensitivity and the negativity he displays are all part and parcel of being uncertain about himself. Show him that disagreeing in a relationship is quite normal, but doesn't mean the relationship is bad. It's healthy to have different ideas about some things. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree too. That's quite normal and acceptable in any relationship.

White_Rose · ‎01-03-2016

Dear Chrissy

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you are feeling upset about your romance. It's always hard when things go wrong and you feel as though you have been left dangling. I must agree with Pipsy that your BF appears to need a great deal of reassurance. This is not as easy to manage as it seems. After all do you want to spend the rest of your life propping up someone who is so very insecure?

As Pipsy has commented, what do you know about his family and his interactions with his family. Having had my own marriage and watched the various romances of my daughters I think it is important to consider what you want out of this relationship. Do you want an equal partnership where each person respects the views of the other, or are you prepared to give way all the time?

I have to say he sounds like a very controlling person. Often in this kind of situation, one person will be constantly getting 'upset' over trivial matters in order to keep the other person off balance and always apologetic. This is not respecting the other. Saying he feels put down is another way of control.

Yes we do say the wrong thing at times, but people who truly care for each other accept this and move on. The person who walks out and refuses to speak for four days or more is playing games in my opinion. Love and partnership is about mutual respect and the desire to be with the other. It is not about getting upset, especially over trivialities, and walking away.

So maybe it's time for you to consider what you want. A partner who always needs reassurance and comfort and sulks if he does not get this, or the possibility of living alone. A tough choice perhaps, but one that has potentially serious consequences.

Ending a romance is hard. We all want someone to care about us, and share our lives. But sadly this does not always happen. If you continue to be your own person, do you think your BF will be happy? Will he leave? Will he become abusive?

I'm sorry if I am distressing you. I have seen many marriages/partnerships succeed fantastically and those that have been disastrous. I want you to take a hard look at what has been happening and then if you are happy, contact him and get him to return.

Another suggestion is go and talk to a counsellor from Relationships Australia. Go on your own and see what the counsellor has to say. Ask your BF to go. I think he will refuse and that may determine your answer. You have had three different answers. It's up to you now.

Mary