Please help, my husband watches porn, started drinking and yells at me

[Guest_01149721]

Hello, it feels like I’m going crazy… I’ve found out my husband watches porn… a lot.. I confronted him and he got very defensive and angry. He blames me for this as I’m not giving him enough sex and I’m a hopeless wife… we both work full time and I finish work later. We share the cooking but he does end up cooking more often than me and he was getting angry about this while I’m trying to have a conversation with him in a gentle way to why he has the need to watch porn on a regular basis. He was doing this a few years ago and he then promised to stop.. he obviously hasn’t stopped! I have explained to him how it makes me feel but he doesn’t seek to care and start blaming me and points out the faults he thinks I have. He is also drinking excessive amounts of alcohol and mixes it with energy drinks which makes him act strange and aggressive the way he speaks to me. When I’m trying to have a calm and non judgemental conversation it ends up with him yelling, calling me names and swearing which I have also previously asked to stop. I’m at my wits end and don’t know who I can talk to. This is my second marriage and I’m too ashamed to reach out. I have a good relationship with my brother and wonder if I should talk to him.. my family and friends will be guttered if they know how abusive my husband has become. To the outside world he is a hardworking, good man with a sense of humour. I’m so embarrassed about everything and don’t know what to do or who to turn to. 

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and am glad you came. You sound in a most unhappy and distressing position and perhaps the viewpoints of others may help. There have been many here with similar problems, if you look around you may find how they handled things.

Before saying anything else having two people working full time and trying to run a household is difficult, and may lead to more stress and arguments than other situations, however that does not excuse what has been happening to you.

Frankly I'm not sure that your husband looking at porn is the main trouble, which from what you say is he treats you with disrespect, is aggressive, shouts and swears at you, on top of which blaming you for everything he is doing, something completely unjustified.

There does not seem to be any affection or concern for you, just him. Add to that the misuse of alcohol combined with energy drinks is not only a very serious problem for him but inflames the whole issue.

He obviosly is capable of acting reasonably,  as 'to the outside world he is a hardworking, good man with a sense of humor', which means he he is showing you the reverse side. These are not the actions of a partner who cares about you.

While you have tried to have calm and non judgmental talks with him this has not worked and you are stuck in this unhappy set of circumstances, wondering what you should do.

I'm sure you would like someone on your side that understands and supports you. One alternative is your brother, who may well be on your side, however may not be experienced in these matters and take inappropriate action making tihngs worse with you being treated more badly. I guess it depends on the sort of person your brother is, which is a judgement call you may have to make.

So may I suggest that before confiding in him you have a talk with the people at 1800RESPECT. This government back organisation is the acknowledged national experts in family abuse and will be able to talk things over with you realistically.

This is a very stressful time and trying to go it alone in isolation is not the best way, you do need support and probably advice too.

You will always be welcome here

Croix

[therising]

A very warm welcome to you as you face a time in your life and marriage that is challenging you so greatly. My heart goes out to you so much.

There is absolutely nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about as you try to manage and make sense of a marriage where your partner has serious addiction issues. Try not to be too hard on yourself. One of the things that makes his issues so serious is the mental and emotional abuse that comes with them. You could say they are of a mental, emotional and soul destroying nature and I imagine you're really feeling that. When facing something of this nature, it can be so important to find the best guides. These are people who not only offer us visions of the best way forward but also help shed light on the kinds of revelations that are going to make a significant difference for us. The most brilliant revelations help light our path in the darkest of times.

While you've come here in search of the way forward, Coix offers an added way forward (1800RESPECT). In considering looking to your brother as another guide, maybe simply addressing the alcohol abuse side of things could be a way to go. 'How to live with an abusive alcoholic' can be something that may be impossible for you to manage alone. Filtering what you tell your brother could be a way to manage. For example, 'I'm not sure if you're aware of this but _______ is an alcoholic and I just don't know how to live with that. He's so angry a lot of the time and I can't reason with him. He's not in the best state of mind to be able to manage resolving the challenges we face in the marriage and he doesn't believe he has a problem'. Your brother may be able to offer you some basic guidance, without him having to know all the finer details such as absolutely everything your husband says to you. If your brother's going to be highly reactive, consider a different guide such as someone who's more emotionally grounded and can look at things more objectively. 

In your husband's mind, he has solutions. The solution to a lack of sexual stimulation doesn't involve addressing intimacy issues, the solution is porn. The solution to managing his anger doesn't involve seriously addressing it, the solution involves venting it at you. The solution to gaining the emotions he wants to feel doesn't involve greater levels of self understanding and skill development, the solution is in 'liquid solutions' (alcohol and energy drinks). At the end of the day, you're left having to manage his solutions to everything. ❤️