Physically leaving husband - how?

[Breegirl]

Hello

I have posted on here on another thread talking about leaving my husband.

I had cheated on him which he knows about, we were trying to work things out, I fell out of love along time ago and had tried leaving him twice before but he has a strong personality and I just stayed for convenience and the kids.

I don't want to stay anymore! I spoke to him last night, told him it is over, and that I will leave - he then tells me he wants to take our son and I can have our daughter (that broke my heart) I know it is out of anger and hurt, he then turns it round onto me saying how selfish I am, to try harder and appreciate what I have.

I need a few days to rest and rebuild my strength, but I don't know how to get it through to him that it is over, who moves out? Who stays? Do I just get a rental now and move in so he sees how 'real' I am???

I just want to move onto the next phase of this, I hate being in this stagnant place and my 8 year old daughter knows and her anxiety levels are high, all the more reason to get it done ASAP

Thank you for listening to my vent, just in a confused place

[geoff]

Hello Breegirl, a warm welcome and my apologies that no one has replied back to you, this can happen especially when the site is busy, so your comment gets pushed over to page 2 then 3.

Your relationship sounds as though it ended a while ago and now want to finally separate and divorce from each other, because if this has been going on for a long time then it's best to do this for the sake of your children to live in 2 happy homes rather than 1 unhappy home.

If your son and daughter get on really well then it's not probably the best to separate them, rather than living in 1 place for a couple of weeks, then moving into the other parent's home.

There will be many decisions that will need to be made in the coming weeks/years between the two of you.

If you live in a house then you either sell it or one buys the other one out, personally, it might be better to sell it, just as what happened to my ex-wife and myself.

You need to decide who stays and who moves out, if you are locked together, then you can move out and if you have any difficulty deciding then go and see a lawyer.

I would also contact Reachout, Headspace or Kids online 1800 55 1800, these are trained people who visit you in casual clothes, less confronting than a person wearing a tie.

Please me know how you get on.

Geoff.

[GoodWitch]

Hi Breegirl,

I think you already found my post about my similar situation on the forums and maybe you read through the responses. If so there's one on there that talks specifically about the 'how' of leaving with regards to Centrelink, lawyers, parenting plans etc. I agree with Geoff it sounds like the relationship is over for you. It also sounds like your hub is lashing out because he is hurt. I think it is a very bad idea to separate the children and perhaps when he calms down he will see that.

I think one of the biggest hurdles with these situations tends to be financial, at least for women, because they usually have been the primary caregiver and so have not worked as much. Are you in employment? Can you support yourself? If you do have some income it sounds like it might be worth it for you to try to secure a lease somewhere else, even for 6 months to see how it goes. It might not seem fair especially if you end up having to move the children but when you have someone refusing to move out it might be the only way. You can also download a separated under one roof form from Centrelink (now called dept of human services). It's long and complicated but at least if you can fill that out, if you're determined to move to the next stage, this is a jumping off point to start separating your lives, finances etc. It also establishes a date of separation more clearly, because you need to be separated for 12 months before you can file for divorce. Even if you're under one roof you can still start the time clock on that, assuming that's where you think this will end up.

I'm sorry you're going through this I know what it's like. It's possible you had the affair in order to make something happen to end your relationship...I've thought of doing the same in my darker moments. Your story tells me it doesn't necessarily work anyway so...thanks for your candour.

Good luck Breegirl. Please let us know how it's going.

GW

[Breegirl]

Thank you Geoff and GW for your responses, it feels reassuring to know that I am not alone and there is help out there.

I spoke to my husband again calmly over the weekend explaining it is over and he needs to understand that, he again just asked for our son and nothing else. He also phoned my Mum to advise her of my infidelity and that he is worried about my state of mind. He doesn't see why I am depressed, I have everything!

He goes overseas in a few weeks for work, I have decided to play happy families (mainly for my children) and for me to plan to get my own place whilst he is away. That may sound cold hearted but it is what I need to do for me to move forward and feel a sense of self worth again.

Today isn't a good day - am doubting everything, have contacted family lawyer to find out my rights and options and do have a child counsellor for my daughter in particular to see when needed.

I need to move 'me' forward to be a better Mum, daughter friend and person

[GoodWitch]

It doesn't sound cold to me Breegirl, it sounds like your hub is making it very hard for you to move out and doing it when he's away will likely lessen the trauma to your children. They might overhear some of this stuff he is saying, as it's possible he will escalate if he sees you making the actual move. We know depression isn't about what you appear to have, it's not about things or marital status, but about what's inside you, how you feel about you. It can happen to anyone, including rich and famous people who are the envy of everyone. Your hub doesn't get to say you have no right to be depressed. It's sad that this attitude still prevails a lot in society, but it does. I'm sorry he told your Mum about the affair too. I understand he's hurt, but that was cruel.

It sounds to me like he's giving you little option but to move on, to be honest. It's sad he can't see his behaviour is only going to make you more determined to leave.

I hope you're having a better day today xo

GW

[geoff]

Hello Breegirl, I can only agree with GoodWitch, he shouldn't have rung your mother.

The best and easiest way to separate is while he is overseas, take what you know is yours, and no, it's not cold-hearted, it's the best possible way to do this in an amicable way.

Can I just say that my wife left me because I was working very long hours, I don't blame her at all, I would do the same if put in the same situation, remember it's what best suits you.

If you doubt yourself then you lose your willpower to do what you have decided on doing, and please let us know how you are going.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Breegirl]

I am sitting here crying reading your responses and Geoff you are right if I start doubting myself I will lose the will to do what I want to do.

I have booked counselling for us both so he can hopefully hear what I am saying through an inpartial party.

To be open and honest I do have feelings for the man I cheated with but I have mentally left my marriage 2-3 years ago, I have tries leaving about 4 times first back in 2016.

Just this week I tried again but he had been drinking so I do get scared of his scare tactics.....he says he will pull the rug from under me, take the kids as I am mentally unstable and he will go around and hurt this man.

You know what.....for the first time in a long time I feel like my future could be a happy one with the right person, but why do I feel so ashamed of that. My main focus now are my kids and myself to be in a better place.

He has been talking to my Mum for a while now about my well being etc which I understand but I guess I feel that its MY Mum and I feel that now I cant be as open as I probably would be otherwise if that makes sense?

I feel backed into a corner right now.....I just want to be on my own!

Thank you so so much for your advice and comments I will still look at moving out whilst he is overseas. Right now I feel I have to play the game and just be on my best behaviour.....which doesnt help my anxiety or depression AT all

[samaz]

Sorry but i 100% disagree with this. He has every right to tell her mother of the affair and anyone else who he likes. When a spouse cheats they have given up their right to privacy on that matter. I don’t think there are many WS who totally understand the amount of damage that their infidelity does to their spouse, the spouse needs to be able to deal with this in whatever manner they require to be able to continue living. For gods sake people if you are going to cheat end your current relationship first but if you don’t you need to be fully transparent with the betrayed spouse following. If it was a long time ago and they never found out you need to tell them as if they discover this on their own the hurt is multiplied as you have lied to them by omission every day since. There are people who say why would you bring up something from the past that would cause so much pain. The answer is that the betrayed spouse has a decision to make even if they don’t know it. Not allowing somebody their right to make important decisions about their life is the worst betrayal of all ( even worse than the physical act of infidelity) believe me i know this from experience when i discovered my own wife cheated 20 years ago.