Physical Altercations

[issy4lol2]

I’m having a hard time getting through this by myself and processing it. 

Tonight I got into a physical altercation with my step dad. My view on it is completely different to my mums and it is not something that I can just bring up to her. 

A bit of background story: I have been struggling for years and in the past year I have become quite verbal and physical with family members. It would be things like tripping, throwing objects, kicking in doors and shoving. I have acknowledged that this is a problem and my mum is well aware that i have acknowledged it. in february i got some help and was taking to a youth mental health centre which i had to stay there for two weeks. I learnt strategies that worked and have been doing quite well since then. it is now mid april and i can feel myself becoming quite down again and isolating myself.  

To continue my story tonight my mum got mad at me over quite a small thing and i was isolating and moody in the study area doing my own thing. she comes in and the first thing she does is complains about a smell and how i’m gonna get so sick with cancer (understandable i do my own nails) and then proceeds to just go on about it. i have a pretty foggy memory from here on but i believe i semi snapped back and told her it’s fine i can’t even smell it she then slams the door and walks off.  

(my mum knows how to provoke me and my anger so she knows exactly what to do and what not to do and she is definitely not dumb she had also had DBT lessons with me) 

My step dad then comes in the room saying automatically going off at me and i said if you’re coming in here to lecture me you can get out (which i agree was not on) he then goes off on me and it’s like a switch in his eyes and yells “don’t ask me for s**t ever the f**k again” (once again provoking me) while my mum peeks in the doorway with her camera on pointed at me. getting annoyed and frustrated i get up to shut the door cause i needed to calm down in that moment. keep in mind they were both in the doorway so i first go to shut the door no one is moving they’re just yelling and saying whatever, i then proceed to shove my step dad (as someone who has been physical before that was not a mean shove but more of a come on let’s move type

of shove). in a fit of anger he then goes to shove me back but this is where i’m confused (yes i’m aware i started it) my step dad proceeded to shove me by my face to push me against a wall to the point i trip over things that were on the floor. and im the bad guy cause he’s got claw marks on his arm? im on the ground now with two adults towering over me yelling and screaming and so i kick anywhere to get them away from me and i accidentally kicked my mums bad leg which she is convinced i did on purpose. i than get up to leave the room and go to my room and im forcefully pulled back by my arm from my mum and then pulled by my tank top straps because “she thought i was trying to go at him”. 

so this is where im at i had to apologise to both of them for putting my hands on them, and they were going to put a case on me. however i haven’t gotten an apology from either of them and i feel quite scared of my step dad now and don’t know what to do or say. 

in short i just need some opinions/help. 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you as you face so many challenges all rolled into one at this time of your life. To say it's tough to be dealing with multiple challenges can be an understatement. Can kinda feel like a big high speed out of control swirling tornado of emotion at times. That kind of thing can be hard to slow down and manage without some skills and management strategies.

You need to give yourself credit for having already developed some of the skills and strategies. So, you're already on the path of greater self understanding and self development. While I used to think 'What the hell is wrong with me?' in the way of my mental health and emotions (every time I thought I'd mastered them but apparently not), took me many years to finally realise it's about graduation. What I mean is we can be taught and learn a lot that relates to basic challenges, to begin with. So, with the basic challenges we can say 'Okay, I'm pretty good at dealing with them' but when new or next level challenges come, it's a different story. Now it's time to graduate through and beyond next level challenges. The question can then become 'Who are going to be my guides when it comes to guiding me through to mastering next level challenges?'. Returning to people who guided us brilliantly through the last level of self understanding and self development can often be helpful. Being able to say to them something along the lines of 'I have next level challenges in my life that I just don't know how to manage yet' can clearly indicate the need for further guidance. It's a bit like with school. We don't go from prep to year 12 all at once. We graduate over time through certain lessons, an education on what we need to learn, dealing with a variety of subjects and having great teachers who can show us how to do it all. Whether at school or in life, there are some who are definitely not great guides or teachers. For an intensely feeling person, it's easy to get a feel for who's great and who's highly questionable or even depressing.

Being a mum to a 22yo gal diagnosed with ADHD, I've found self regulation is a must for me if I'm going to guide her. Both she and I acknowledge some of her challenges can feel enraging, intolerable, frustrating, upsetting and emotionally challenging in a whole stack of other ways. I have to learn to manage and make better sense of how and why I feel all that. This can feel incredibly hard and almost impossible at times. On the other hand, her father just yells and swears at her and/or walks away while insisting everything's her fault. That's easy to do, not guide someone but just accuse them while in a state of rage (aka 'having a vent'). I've found what helps involves me gaining a greater education on ADHD. It's more helpful to gain an education as to why and how someone experiences life the way they do, as opposed to ignoring the opportunity to learn. If your mum's been the one supporting you through your challenges (setting up therapy for you etc), it might be time for her to graduate with you. It's not just parents who raise kids. Kids lead their parents to also rise through certain challenges.

Btw, we parents can be highly questionable people at times, that's for sure. While our child/ren may acknowledge responsibility in apologising for their questionable behaviour, some parents just don't question themselves anywhere near as much as they should. If they fully ignore the need to admit to their behaviour as being 'out of control', technically someone who chooses to ignore remains ignorant by choice to some degree.