Partner lied & cheated - how to move forward?

[elledm]

Hi there, 

My partner & I have been together for 5 years. I'm 48, he's 47. He has medical problems which has caused issues with our sex life & we aren't intimate as much as we used to be.  My 'drive' is much higher than his but I have accepted the compromise... Although this has caused underlying issues with me not feeling wanted / him being embarrassed etc. We have both been 'head in the sand' & distracted ourselves with work / home / kids & just accepted that we get around to sex every now & then... not ideal but it's how its been.  When it's good it's great though.

I just found messages on his phone that he had contacted a number of escorts across 2 days in the past 2 weeks.  Those 2 particular days, I was in hospital!  I confronted him, he swore he never followed through, I asked the standard 'has it happened before' and he swore to me no, nothing has ever happened since we've been together.  He told me the issues we've been having have been messing with his head & he doesn't know why he did it, he was just in a bad place for the last few months.  Something didn't feel right about what he was saying so I checked his phone again and I found more messages from 8 months ago, where he did actually hook up with an escort while he was away for work.  I confronted him again and he initially denied anything happened, until he realised I had all of the information and then he fessed up that he did actually have sex with her.  

The escort part isn't what is breaking me, it's the lying and the broken trust. And that I have never once denied him sex when he has been up for it, so the fact that he could have been with me yet he chose to go elsewhere, is screwing with my head. I feel just crap. Unwanted, unloved and undesired.  He has been the only person I've ever fully trusted and been able to be 100% myself with, I really thought we were 'it' and not being able to trust him never once crossed my mind. But the fact he lied and also looked elsewhere the first minute he could, (ie when I'm in hospital!), that has crushed me, and I don't know how to move forward.  He says he loves me & is really sorry for what he has done, he broke down & said it will never happen again.  I love him, but how do you trust again when your insides have been ripped out? I don't know how to deal with it. Thanks for reading; I'm a very private person so won't discuss this with anyone IRL hence reaching out here. 

[Scared]

Hello you are right to feel all those things and even more.  At the moment you understandably have all these issues surrounding you about trust. hurt, lies the escorts and maybe even more.  Dont feel pressured to come to any conclusion and allow time for this to sink in.

Its a big ask to understand all this overnight and simply you cant be expected to by anyone.

Trust is a big one because we give our trust as our commitment to another and once broken it is only YOU that can restore it.

Forgiveness is the first step towards healing you not him.  
I dont believe for a second a man who sees or saw an escort is incapable of loving another. 
Married men see escorts all the time but still claim to love their wives.  I know because I had friends who were escorts and they talked about them all the time.

What is deeper rooted is why your man saw escorts and chose not to be with you. Cheating is cheating I know but is this a sex addiction or fantasy or just temptation.  A fair question i would be asking is what drives you to needing to see escorts because you have the right to know if you are to give the gift of trust again.   Are we dealing with fantasy addiction or what exactly.  What drives him to betray..  If its sex addiction then therapy if its fantasy then you can discuss it.  All I want to say to you is he probably does love you and in your own time you have every right to want to discuss and unpack all of this.

You have had some good years together and I think like all relationships that are good is worth fighting for.

When I went to Thailand I cheated too

It was fantasy and I felt sick inside.  It didnt mean i didnt love her because I do

I didnt do it again

I hope others reply to you as I get this is hard to talk about and other insights come your way