Partner left me at 20 weeks preg through ivf... He says he has issues and depression. Confused.

Aprillia31 · ‎04-03-2016

My partner and i been together a year and a half, we did ivf and worked 1st go. He stuck by me through a bad 1st trimester and then out of the blue says he doesnt love me like he use to and wanted me to move to my parents because he has issues and thinks he's depressed. I tried so hard to get him help, counseling ect but he went and would say not nice things, not true things. I have sufferes depression and fully understand it but he doesnt seem interested in me. He just says its him not me and he'll be the best father under the circumstances. I just cant get my head around someone that would go to those lengths to start a family ans just push me and the baby away like we are nothing. Im lost as to what to do. I feel like im out of ideas as to what i can do. Im trying to give him space but we are still having to sort out house stuff. He has been through sexual abuse as a child and has questioned his sexuality but says he is not guy but likes to look at men. I get no straight answers, he has pushed his family away as well. He drinks to cope with his feelings. And 2 weeks after i moved out he tildnme he's talking to other woman online as an ego boost, talking general conversation. i just cant get my head around any of this. He is the love of my life, someone i want to stick by through thick n thin no matter what. He says he cant deal with anything and is selling all his stuff and moving into a one bedroom unit cuz he cant cope with a house and stuff. I dont know if theres any hope left or what to do and im am shattered.

white knight · ‎04-03-2016

Hi Aprillia, welcome here

I think you know in your heart what the answer is sadly. Your guy is confused, likely sexually confused and desires to withdraw a lot from those around him. All his reasons under the sun wont make it explainable.

As hard as this sounds, you'll need to move on in your actions and focus on a more important aspect of your life- your baby. Your guy has his own responsibilities as far as your baby is concerned but that's for him to carry out. Just make sure you do yours and provide your baby with a roof, food, love and care.

Your predicament is sadly not any different than many people out there facing a split. Many of us have young children that cant possibly know why dad or mum no longer live with them... This doesn't make it easy for you, I'm just mentioning the perils of life, the hiccups we need to deal with.

There is nothing you can do about your guy. Try to be friends, give him space and make his child available in the most harmonious way should be your aim.

Good luck. Best of luck with your birth.

Ton WK

Paul · ‎04-03-2016

Hi Aprilllia31

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. Thanks for gathering the courage to log on and let us know how you're feeling. It sounds like the situation you're in is pretty stressful from many angles. I'm sorry it's so painful and confusing at the moment.

At the moment the most important thing is you and your baby, making sure you are looking after yourself emotionally and physically. Mums growing a bub need nurturing too.

It seems like something has triggered a change in your partner that has caused fear or been powerful enough to have him change his mind about living circumstances and the relationship and obviously the baby.

The hard part about this is unless he wants to talk, there's not much that can be done. The only control you have is over looking after yourself.

We're here to listen so please feel free to visit as often as you like and tell us how you're feeling

Paul

White_Rose · ‎04-03-2016

Dear Aprilia

Welcome to Beyond Blue. You are having such a hard time at the moment and all the uncertainty with your partner is making you very unhappy.

Tony and Paul have sent you some good advice. We all recognise your deep hurt and confusion and want to support you as much as possible.

You must now concentrate on looking after yourself and baby. Are you living with your parents? You need to be somewhere you feel safe and cared for. So if your parents are able to have you, I suggest this is the best place for the time being. Are you still working? If this is OK medically speaking, I think you should try to go to work, partly because you will have an income for the time being and also to give yourself something to think about.

I know all the excitement of preparing for your first baby probably has been lost at the moment, but try to concentrate on the future for you and baby. Do you have sisters? If so then you could go shopping for baby requirements with a sister and/or your mom. You are going to have baby which is a wonderful thing, despite all this current sadness and disappointment.

Lean on your family if you can. Apart from the break up, moms-to-be need lots of support, lots of care and fuss because you will get tired and upset. Pregnancy is wonderful, tiring, amazing, rewarding and generally fantastic. Let the magic of your baby help you through these confusing times. Once baby is born you can plan for the future but until then, just stay with your parents and be as comfortable as possible.

It will be time to think about access for baby's dad later when some of your raw grief has healed. Talk to us here as much as you want. We will always be here.

Mary

Aprillia31 · ‎04-03-2016

Thank you all for replying. Ive found it hard to concerntrate on the baby, it seems to upset me more. When bub moves and kicks i am wishing my partner was there to feel and share the experience ect and hes not and i become upset and want to ignore the baby. But im getting better with that. There are some good signs from him, he is still talking but only when I prompt the conversation via text normally. Today since writing on here, i found some useful information from this website about depression and i sent it to him and he responded well. He recognizes he has depression but he doesnt know how to or where to start for help due to, he called it 'his ego'. It makes me more sad he is missing out on a time in his life that should be exciting and joyful due to an illness he cant help, cant get his head around to help himself. Its hard to see someone you love suffering and pushing people away. I agree about giving him space but i worry about giving him too much space since he has no one else, no friends or family support, to cut him off completely would make him retreat futher into his depression. I have always said he can have as much to do with the baby as he can cope with. That im always here for him even just as a friend if nothing else. I have been through depression myself so i have an understanding of where he is at, it was only after reading info on here that it seems so much clearer that he is definitely suffering from depression. This has been very helpful, thank you.

White_Rose · ‎05-03-2016

You sound more positive in your post which is good. Where are you living at the moment? Are you with your parents? I do worry a little that you may be on your own.

Your partner has only to go to his GP to begin the process of getting well. If you are still talking perhaps you could offer to make the appointment for him. Do you think he will let you go with him?

Great that you found the information on BB and that your partner was prepared to read it. It is a good first step. If he sees his GP it will be another step forward. Don't neglect yourself while you care for him. Knowing what depression feels like you can support him more easily. We often feel that no one understands how we feel or what is happening.

Please continue to write in.

Mary

Paul · ‎06-03-2016

Hi Aprillia,

Nice to see you again.

How do you feel about your partner questioning his sexuality and him looking at men? Do you think that has anything to do with his sudden departure?

Paul

Aprillia31 · ‎14-03-2016

Hi paul,

thanks for your reply. I have just been very confused in trying to figure out what has gone wrong that i had took some time out to not contact him. Its been nearly a week and he has not contacted me either. Im am not expert but while taking time out it dawned on me, he had done something similar to me early on in our relationship. I think his sexuality questioning is to do with his abuse, along with a lot of other issues. But what seems to make the most sense is that he has always been a people pleaser. I was aware of this early on in our relationship and i always would always double ask, are you sure? Its ok to say no....ect. I think that he has just said yes to want i wanted and to my suggestions because he didnt want to be disliked. When it came to starting a family he just said yes, and along with everything else and everyone else he has said yes to. I think he got to the point of being so stressed out because he was going in the wrong direction to his desires. He has just cracked it and gone... I cant do any of this and is cleaning his life out to cope with his relationahip with me being the first to go. He seems to be too immature to realize the serious consequences of being a people pleaser. Not only does pleasing others is making him depressed, lose self worth but he is resenting me for saying yes to things he didnt want at that time. If i had only knew have of what was going on inside for him, things would be so different. I had no idea that he was just saying yes but felt different.

And im writing this for any help as to how i can do any basic communication with him in regards to our baby. Im not sure to just give him space and see if he wants to be involved because he will just say yes if i ask him anything. Im not even sure he wanted to have a baby. I just dont know where to go from here or if i should just leave it go and see what happens?