Dear 1daughter~
I'd like to give you a warm welcome to the forum, where if you look around you will find others with similar lives and how they have coped.
I guess you have two problems, and I'm not sure they are that related. The first of course is depression, which can make life pretty horrible and miserable. I would hope by now you would have sought medical help and at least started on treatment. I say this becuse I was in a state where life was not worth living and there was no way I could 'fix ' myself, it did take expert assistance.
If you are on treatment please go back and say it is not working as well as it should. It is no good thinking it is all caused by your partner's behaviour, which is the other problem.
I see a partner as one who loves me, wants me to have as good a life as possible and enjoys being with me in the good times and has my back in bad ones. It is mutual and works both ways.
I'm not pretending I was easy to live with at that stage of my life, however my partner found the best ways to support me, for which I'm very grateful. Things got better.
After 2 years your partner was being unfaithful, which is a very short time for genuine love to stop, my expereince is that it does not disappear that quickly. Of course cheating is a betrayal and breaks trust, something that is very hard to restore. It is only human for you to be suspicious given the circumstances.
I would think you were hopeful and brave to get back together and did the right thing in trying to talk to your partner about all of it, including you feelings. To have everything thrown back in your face and basically told it is all your fault is not the action of someone that loves you, but someone that wants some else to blame other than themself.
Depression is an illness, like diabetes, and not your fault. You are no less of a person becuse it has struck you and really do need ot try to see yourself as a person capable if giving and deserving to receive love.
Do you think it might be worth stepping back and looking at your relationship, is it worth having, and how much harm is it doing you?
Do you mind if I ask if you have someone in your life you can talk wiht? They need not be able to provide solutions, but if they listen and care about you that makes a big difference. Trying to face all this in isolation is hard.
You know you are always welcome here
Croix
