FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

Overwhelmed

Paisley1516
Community Member

Hi everyone,

thanks for reading my post 🙂 bit of a long one and titled overwhelmed because that’s how I feel. I just want to cry but can’t.

currently in Vic under stage 4 restrictions. My situation is I am separated (under one roof as we both on the mortgage and neither can afford to move out until I go back to work). My marriage was 15 years, we’ve been separated 5 months. Have two children under 4 yrs old.

i feel in a good place and do not want to get back together with my ex husband (he cheated numerous times amongst other issues) but I’m struggling sharing the house with him even if we don’t stay in the house at the same time (we literally leave as soon as the other is home).

the days are long and isolating with my children by myself at home. I love them and adore them but it’s so hard and they’re being affected by our separation, so coping with their emotions especially our eldest is difficult (I have 75% care).

a positive is I have finally found a job in this pandemic climate so going back to work next week, but stressing over settling the children into childcare and finances now I’m relying on myself.

I'm also in a new relationship (3 months) with a man who is absolutely wonderful to me, so supportive, kind. He has respected my boundaries around my kids but he has his own issues. He is also separated with two older children but his ex has taken out an interim IVO and he cannot see his children until they go to court. He has taken full responsibility for his marriage breakdown and been very transparent with me. He has depression and ADHD, is on anti depressants and seeing psychologist/psychiatrist. I’ve just come back from visiting him where for the first time I witnessed him being angry (Not towards me or a person) and to be honest it made me second guess is this the right relationship or person to introduce to my own children? I realise we are in the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship but I really love being with him, I just feel he I has a lot going on right now. We had a massive chat yesterday which was really helpful but now I’m home I just feel flat and down and like everything I’m going through is just too much to deal with.

i wish there was no coronavirus restrictions going on, my children were happy, I was working and living by myself and my new relationship was smoothly going but all I feel is everything is so difficult 😞 I’m seeing a psychologist which is helpful and have some support around me which is good.

13 Replies 13

M99
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Paisley,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community. It sounds as though there is a lot going on currently within your romantic and familial relationships. With the added stress of the pandemic and the duty as a parent, I'm sure this must be overwhelming and I'm glad you have reached out to a forum to express your thoughts and seeked help by seeing a psychologist.

It seems as though avoiding your ex husbands presence is difficult as you two live with each other, however, you have taken some steps forward to resolve this such as finding a job so you can afford another means of accommodation or financial stability. Do you have any close relatives with whom you would prefer to live with? Trying to heal and move onto new relationships can be difficult with your ex partner still being present.

I implore you for your strength and acknowledgement that you deserve better, the way in which your ex-husband treated you is not justifiable or moral. I cannot fathom the pain and emotional burden that relationship would have placed on you throughout the years. Now that you are free from such toxicity, it is important you heal, you give yourself time, give yourself an emotional and mental break before entering a new relationship as you may find yourself still recovering and not ready yet to jump into another serious relationship.

Sometimes, we cannot control the people we meet or the timing of the encounter. I understand meeting your current partner was not part of your plan and your love for each other has sustained for the past 3 months. I recommend taking things slowly and not rushing into things. Take your time, see how the relationship stability and security is established, and only then when you have better insight into his nature and the the nature of the relationship can you make insightful judgments. If you feel like you know enough now, reflect on that and decide what's best for you long term. If you feel like he is not emotionally ready or stable to be in another relationship and to be introduced to your children, maybe it is best to take things slowly and assess the relationship. Likewise, if you find that you are not emotionally ready to enter a new relationship currently, give yourself time and a break from emotional affairs. Sometimes we owe it to ourselves to give ourselves time to heal and find a sense of inner stability and peace.

Best,

M99.

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear Paisley

You're in a pickle atm and I really hope many things become clear for you.

One thing I asked my Psych for years ago in the fall out of D Day was "clarity". It took A LONG time for that clarity to surface but I'd rather be slapped in the face with the truth than kissed with a lie.

I wish clarity for you too.

Oh and WELCOME to the BB forums! I hoe you find this a great place to share and receive support. xxxx

I did a brilliant Course for women in / trying to leave DV relationships which taught me HEAPS and heaps and yeah heaps!

One thing most certainly pointed out strongly is that we need to stay at a "distance" in a new relationship to observe the new person for 2 years.. minimum.
Few people can hide their real selves for longer than that... (some can though!).

The fact your new bf has told you he has an IVO.... this can be very damaging to any Parenting Orders you would like if exH knows of this. Courts have the power to find out... food for thought.

It could be damaging to you and your children full stop.

I understand the Police fought to have women privvy to the details of partner's AVO / DVO / IVO cases.... there could be alot your new bf is not telling you. I hope this is in your state too??
I would start there to find out because if there is a far more horrid story then RUN... don't look back.

YOU might be willing to "support" this man through whatever but to put your children in danger is a terrible notion. (I doubt you would do this but just saying he may be telling porkies or minimising the truth). I'd find out what the Police have on him.

Long story short, you don't want to hop out of the frying pan into the fire...

Congratulations on your NEW JOB!

Hopefully things will come together there really soon for you at least.

Please keep posting!

Love EM

Thank you so much eco mama for your advice, I really appreciate your time.

what do you mean by the interim IVO being damaging to parenting orders? Do you mean between my ex husband and I? Could my exHusband stop me from having my children?? Is there somewhere I can read more info of the effect of an IVO in my own children’s care arrangements?

thank you xx

Paisley1516
Community Member
Thank you m99. I really appreciate such a long thoughtful reply. I really agree on taking things slowly with my new relationship. Thank you 🙂

Guest_1643
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi paisley

welcome to the forums

I think sometimes we as a society teach people to ignore warning signs and not trust our own gut. There are many who will say "maybe it was a bad day he had" etc... of course that is true... but i don't agree with the message, which tries to silence something you feel inside. It's good to listen to yourself. If you feel something is maybe not right it's always good to talk to someone who will listen and believe, and have a bit of distance. keep listening to that little inner voice!


That's awesome that you got a job throughout this time and can work, although i can understand it's stressful too. I'm in Victoria too and these locklowns are certainly testing us. You're not alone.....

Thanks sleepy21. I really value your message. I am a very big believer in my gut feelings and my gut feeling has been very positive in regards to my new relationship. I see a man working very hard to improve himself and he has been nothing but genuinely kind towards me. But yes there are things like yesterday where I questioned his behaviour but that I put it down to his ADHD/general stress and being unable to channel it appropriately.
I want to give my new relationship time and to see what happens, but I also want to go in with my eyes open and not “rose coloured glasses”. I absolutely won’t be introducing my kids until next year at the very earliest. Something he agrees with.

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Paisley1516 said:

Thank you so much eco mama for your advice, I really appreciate your time.

what do you mean by the interim IVO being damaging to parenting orders? Do you mean between my ex husband and I? Could my exHusband stop me from having my children?? Is there somewhere I can read more info of the effect of an IVO in my own children’s care arrangements?

thank you xx

Yes, yes, yes and yes.

You can phone the free Women's Legal Service (WLS) for legal advice about this.
THEY ARE BEYOND BRILLIANT.
I cannot recommend them highly enough.
I wish you the same success with their guidance. xxxx

It's VERY important that you get some sound knowledge and legal advice.

Certainly a home with a new partner who has an IVO etc on them would not be seen as a safe home for the children.
Equally so the mother making this choice can end up in big struggles.
I've seen this happen so many times.

I did the Course with mums who were forced by Courts to attend. Before they could regain open access to their children they had to complete this Course. But I'm not in Vic.

Look after yourself.

EM xxxx

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Indeed the Course I attended urged us to..

"trust our gut instincts" and also to

NOT make excuses for bad behaviour.

EM

Hi eco mama,

thank you. Yes of course a home with someone with an interim IVO would not be seen as safe for children.
it has only been 3 months, living together is not even a possibility or plan or even in my thoughts right now, if ever.

i own my own home and it is not something I ever want to give up.