OVERWHELMED

[IIEK]

I am 62 and my husband is 79. We have both been married before. I had 2 children, lost my son 6 years ago. Husband has two children who live interstate. My husband has always been demanding and really accepting of my children this they couldn't get out of home fast enough. We followed my daughter and family when they moved interstate and then back. My husband was diagnosed with depession and anxiety. He can become so nasty. My family have always been demanding. Always broke and we have always done what we could...but I always suffer the consequeces for years after. He uses his depression as an excuse for his behavior. I have never been allowed to really do the things I like in the 30 years we have been married..now I do a few things and am made to feel guilty because I leave him home. he also has severe arthritis. I know I am not strong with my daughter and four grandchildren but at the end of tje day that is all I have. My daughter's marriage broke up and she moved close to is so that we could help with the kids. That has turned out a nightmare. We had to move into a unit so having kids here was a little difficult, but my husband's attitude had made ot that the kids hate coming here. It doesn't, matter what I do I am wromg. I feel like a 5 year old being constantly berated and made responsible for all the misdeeds of my family. They are not as squeaky perfect as his family, haven't gone to uni and achieved much, but they are mine. Sometime I feel I am going to lose my mind. My husband blames his depression on the fact that we followed my daughter interstate and back. He has never allowed us to settle in a house. Sittimg in lounge at 2am being told how we must move and now I am being blamed for that too. My daughter is moving back to the country where the kids have cousins and their other  grandparents. It is the right move for them, but I am now so afraid that I am going to be more isolated because of his depression and attitude. He won't go and see his family interstate and that is causing problems. The more he doesn't see them the worse it gets.    It is good to get this off my chest. I am very unhappy and at times feel very depressed.  I feel that I have let my husband ruin my relationship with my children and grandchildren. Friends often say, why don't you leave him! He is 79 and sick..... would appreciate any comments....

Sorry about typing mistakes....arthritic fingers

[Jacko777]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums IIEK, I am glad it was good for you to get this off your chest and I am sure you will get lots of advice and support here. Big hugs from me. 

It helps me to know what choices are before me. You could stay in your relationship or you could go, you can weigh up the pros and cons and make a choice, then you can get about acting on the choice, making small steps to change things so you can be happier.

Please, if you feel like you are losing your mind give the Beyond Blue phone service a call, it's 24/7, free and they will help you to feel better straight away. You could talk to your GP and get a referral to a psychologist or a counsellor, they could really help you right now to find some clarity about the way you feel, your feelings are valid and I can understand that you would feel hurt and confused. And I am sorry to hear your husband can get nasty at times, obviously it affects you, your family and of course he can't be happy. Does you husband have regular appointments as part of his treatment for depression and anxiety? 

You have lots going on. When things get chaotic for me I write the issues down, keep things separate, think about what actions I can take with each issue. Then, if I make sure I am taking the appropriate actions I can try to put these issues out of my mind, I tell my self that 'I have done all I can today and I don't need any unnecessary negative thoughts now thanks, I will conserve my energy for the positive parts of my life.'

It might be a good time for you to refocus on the positive parts of your life, make some new parts if you want. I try to ban negative thoughts, it takes lots of practice and it becomes more of a mindset, look for the positive in every moment, even challenges are positive if we take them on board and learn and grow and become better people. It's never too late.

Will your husband be able to look after himself when you visit your daughter?

Jack x

[blondguy]

Hi IIEK ...My name is Paul and I do empathize, understand and have seen your situation with my own eyes. Jacko777 is spot on with his response...especially with the 'positive outlook'

You have the strength to get on here and tell it how it is....and well done! My mum left my dad (same circumstances as what you have) after 49 years of marriage and started a new life which sounds sad but made all of us (the kids :-)) happy because dad no longer had 'control' over her anymore. She is a gentle soul and living her own life now with her cat and her garden bless her) 🙂

I am sorry that you feel guilty doing a few things that you enjoy and take pride in doing..With all respect your husband's illness is bad news absolutely however you still are a strong person who has her own path, even in the best or worst of relationships. As Jack mentioned there are ample positive avenues available to you. You also mentioned that he wont go interstate to visit  family...and yes that is not good.  You also mentioned he is suffering from anxiety as well as depression...My anxiety prevents me from flying...even driving would be a big ask (for me...not your husband) where interstate is concerned.

I am sorry that your husband is being nasty (cant communicate in a caring way) to you.

I just thought you may need a shoulder ....

Kindest Thoughts

Paul

[geoff]

dear IIEK, I lost my post so I'll have to start again.

It's great to you post a comment here you're first which does take a lot of courage, but now you're with us, and that's great.

We all know how awful depression can have on us, but it can never be used as an excuse, in other words say something and then blame depression as an excuse by saying it, this is only toying with the word and not diagnosing it as it should be.

I just wonder whether it was his idea to move into the fla

[IIEK]

Thank you to the people who poyted a relpy..........just knowing I have somewhere where I can unburden myself without being judged......lots of issues to work through ....Geoff...yes it was his idea about the unit..Thank you everyone..

[blondguy]

Hi IIEK

thankyou so much for replying to everyone..once again a sign of strength! I just thought Id check in and let you know you are definitely not alone..Please let us know how you are going

Kind Thoughts

Paul