Open marriage

[Dam9791]

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have a wonderful loving relationship with 2 teenage kids. I trust my wife 100 percent. Before we got together she had a relationship with another guy that was mostly about sex, ie. Kind of like friends with benefits as the guy was a complete commitment phobe, due to being cheated on in a past relationship which also happened to my wife, her first husband cheated on her, so I think they had some kind of bond and they have known each other since they were teenagers.About 12 months ago my wife started talking to him again and have formed a friendship which I have no problem with, even though I think he is an idiot and I have nothing to do with him. Somehow when she spends time with him, he makes her happy, I put it down to that when she is with him she is free and not mum or the doting wife being weighed down with all the boring family stuff while she is there. About 3 months ago she bought up the topic of opening our marriage and we did a lot of talking about it, we came to an agreement that nothing would happen unless we were both 100% on board. A couple of weeks back we both agreed. Now she did not rush out and have sex with the guy as at the time she wasn't even sure she wanted to, anyway I got cold feet and asked her not to, so she hasn't. She still does visit him as normal friends would though. Yesterday we talked again and she said that she would like have sex with him again but would only do it with my permission, now I'm not totally against it, i'd get to have sex with someone else as well. She tells me that she is 100% committed to our relationship and she loves me more then anything which I believe. I am also very committed to my wife and until she bought up the idea of opening our marriage would never have even thought about having sex with someone else but the idea is sort of appealing. I guess my question is has anyone done the open marriage thing and is it worth it and what feelings did you have when your partner did actually sleep with someone else.

[Croix]

Dear Dam9791~

Welcome here to the forum. I"m glad you and oyur wife are able to discuss things openly, cheating is a destructive activity.

I guess the first thing to say is your discussion involves at least five people and possibly six, you, your wife, the person you regard as an idiot and  2 teenage kids. Plus of course if that other person has a family that comes into it too. On top of that any person you become intimate with.

At the moment your wife has a friend from old times and share a bond relating to unfortunate circumstances.  To want to go further and have sex may well be a  next step but I'd suggest it really be approached with caution. Intimacy itself binds people together it it may well be the shape of your marriage changes. 

As both of you seem to want sex elsewhere it might be an idea to look if there are any shortcomings in your own intimate activities to see if there is room for both of you to be happy.

As well if you engage in sex with another party that too might leave you developing affection for them and again things will change. Then again you may meet nobody.

How each of the five/six  of you would react is not an easy thing to predict. It may perhaps be you become jealous (you have had cold feet once), your two teenage kids may become unhappy and lose that feeling of security a family brings. Not all the people involved may get on - in fact you are uncomplimentary about your wife's friend.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, all I am attempting to illustrate the decisions you and you wife make may spread out and affect a much larger number of people than just the pair of you.

Others here may have different views, so please look around

Croix

[Dam9791]

Thankyou for your reply Croix, you have given me some things to think about and some things that I should probably elaborate on. First, I never thought of it affecting anyone but the wife and I so thankyou for pointing that out, but on that aspect, the other guy lives by himself and is in no relationship and my teenage kids know that my wife has him as a friend and if anything was to happen it would be at his house during a "normal visit". Same would be the case if I was to sleep with someone, no one's extra partners is to come to our marital home. As for our intimate activities we are in a very good spot, we have a decent amount of sex and it can be very experimental which keeps things interesting. I can't vouch for why exactly she would like to sleep with another guy but if I were to do it, it would be for, I don't know if this is the right word but experience as my wife is only my second sexual partner. Thanks again for your reply and please don't think I was being disrespectful or rude to your reply just thought I needed to elaborate more and give a bit more context

[Croix]

Dear Dam9791~

Of course there was no disrespect, you answered my post very clearly.

It looks on the surface you have figured everything out, and it may indeed work as you expect. I think if I was trying to say anything it was that things do not always work out as expected so an element of caution is always advisable.

I'd regard your kids as the most vulnerable and does raise the question of if you tell them , or chance they will not find out in time anyway.

As a matter of interest to you at least, have you asked your wife straight out why she wants sex with this friend? It may be as you guess or some other completely different reason. Some females tend to have different priorities to males on the matter

I hope all works well

Croix