apologised to some people i hurt, but i still feel guilty

[booga]

so i made a post a while back talking about how i was afraid to apologise to my ex friend who i was reaaally toxic to (i ended up apologising, thankfully. he didnt forgive me and thats okay)

now im struggling with another problem and that is i still feel guilty and i know i need to move on, but i feel like ive done a lot of stupid things in my life, and a majority of it was when i was 12-16 years old. i know teens do stupid things, but i still feel nasty about it, and all i wanna do is let go of who i used to be because im so ashamed of my past

like i used to be a really rude and mean person and this year ive focused on improving myself, but i still feel like deep down ill always be a bad person. i still struggle to respond to my new best friend's infodumps (i do find them interesting! i just struggle to actually pay attention and respond well). im scared if people ever find out how bad of a person i was, then theyll tell me ill never change and ill always be bad. i dont want to be a bad person, i want to be good

[Croix]

Dear Booga~

Welcome back, I'm sorry that problem with your ex-friend is still troubling you. Actually is sounds as if all the things you have done in the past that you think were wrong are weighing you down and stop you from looking at yourself though fresh eyes.

You are not seeing the good you have done - and I"m sure that would be many things, even if you have not remembered or recognize them.

As you say yourself you turned over a new leaf and have been a different person, improving on what you thoght you were. All the time the past poisons your thoughts about yourself it's going to be pretty hard to feel better, that you are in fact a good person, and I am sure that you are.

No bad person would regret things the way you do. As you have not felt better about yourself can I suggest you get some counseling to help you see your past, both bad and good, with a true sense of proportion and leave you room to feel good now.

Once you do other people will see it too, that is not really a problem.

Croix

[booga]

thing is, i don't feel like im worth forgiving, nor do i feel like i deserve to be seen as a good person

[Croix]

Dear Booga

I'm trying to change your feelings by using logical words, and that is hard.

OK, to be seen as a good person takes time and effort.  Maybe one good deed will influence some, many good deeds will have you regarded well by all. So it is not instant magic, it is, like many things, an effort - if you think about it many worth while things are.

You have already started this process, no reason to stop. If you feel bad about something sing out and we could talk it over. Each of us may have a different contribution to make.

Now the first part you said is talking rubbish. Of course you are worth forgiving. Any person that regrets past actions has a good core, and that is you. It does not really matter if your ex-friend comes round to forgiving your actions, it is you that has to realise you are human, humans make mistakes and wihtout forgiveness the world would grind to a halt.

So accept you are not perfect, you are certainly worth us spending every effort to convince you how worth-while you are

Croix

[therising]

Hi booga

I've found that it's about becoming a more conscious person, more than anything else. Throughout life, the challenge is to rise and rise and rise and keep on rising or graduating to new levels of consciousness. I've found part of the challenge with this involves gradually developing new feelings. Kinda like 'Now that I'm more conscious, I can feel that person's sense of betrayal or feel their sense of disappointment in me or feel the sense of sadness I've caused them'. So we don't just develop mentally, we also develop emotionally with the need to better understand and manage the emotions we come to feel. 

Not sure if it will help but I've come to imagine that the only true self is my present self. My past self is just a memory. So, from zero to now (as a 55yo gal), there's like a vapor trail of ghosts of my past self or selves. Looking back, I can say my self in my teens and 20s was incredibly selfish, thoughtless and unfeeling towards others at times. This was because I was far less conscious back then. If I go back in time and talk to my 'ghosts of the past' each one would have something to tell me and I would be able to forgive each one based on their lack of consciousness. For example, I could go back to my 13yo self and realise no one ever sat her down and spoke to her of developing compassion for others and things along those lines. I could go back to my 20s and realise I was an alcoholic who drank my way through long term depression. Nothing quite like alcohol to impact our level of consciousness. What was depressing for me back then was never addressed and with the alcohol on top of it, I had little consciousness. I forgive my past self for that.

As we graduate, we can change dramatically over time. So, unless someone's determined to never change, they can change. We just have to be prepared, with an open mind, to gradually develop into who we're going to be (someone far from who we used to be). I should also add that if someone was to resent me after finding out about something I did in the past, my response would be along the lines of 'You're hating or holding a grudge against who I used to be'. Another way of seeing that is 'Grudges against ghosts are useless'.