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Obsessed with my Mates wife

Community Member

Hey Guys I need to get it off my chest as I can’t tell anyone about it and it’s tearing Me up. I am a married man& My Mate is also Married. His wife is a very kind caring person and the first time I had a one on one chat with her she really impressed Me. The more I got to know her the more I liked her & really liked her. I would make up excuses to talk to her or txt her about trivial things, when she would reply to a txt it made me feel really good. I have sent her a lot of txt messages and she always replies but I know she has never messaged me first only replying to Mine.

She doesn’t wear provocative clothing but I find her incredibly sexy , I keep looking at her photos on Facebook , when I hear She has spoken to another Man I get jealous. I fantasise about being with her & I can’t stop thinking about her. When I’m around her I feel like a dog on heat & nothing else matters. I know I shouldn’t feel this way about My mates wife but I do ,

I’m in love/lust/obsessed

Obviously I can’t talk to My wife or Mate about this and I am scared to tell My mates wife in case she doesn’t feel the same and tells everyone

not sure what to do hey

20 Replies 20

Community Member

Thanks for the replies guys , I guess I just needed to take a step back and have a think about things before I went diving in & did something stupid costing me friends & my marriage.

i like that everyone was honest with me and gave their opinions that’s what i needed

That is why I posted on here I needed advice I needed someone to tell me to wake up to myself but I couldn’t talk to anyone about it in real life

I cant really imagine this woman not being part of my life , but I agree I shouldn’t be around her feeling the way I do. Maybe I can avoid her for a while or maybe a few months and focus on something else & the feelings will fade away. if not I know I am going to have to keep these feelings bottled up

thanks again everyone:)

Hi Toochatty, thanks for getting back to us, you've got a lot to think about, and I know that's very difficult.

I am really sorry, as you're not the only one who feels this way, and it could go both ways, that is a lady having strong feelings for the opposite guy.

What can do the damage is keeping this secret and the withdrawal from your marriage that this
relationship brings.

Have you thought about what your wife maybe thinking, she could be wondering what she can do to bring life back into your marriage and maybe going away might be your answer.

Can I offer you a suggestion and we're only talking, it would be good to have some counselling with a psychologist because this is a situation you could get into again, and it's only because of your personality, so you need help in how to cope with it.

On the 'mental health plan' is where you will be entitled to Medicare rebates for up to 10 individual appointments to see the psych.

Best wishes.


Community Member

Thanks Geoff, you are a very knowledgeable person & provide well thought out feedback

i am hoping to manage my desires and acknowledge that they are completely normal feeling to have. What man wouldn’t want a beautiful woman. The impact that acting on these desires would be devastating on my marriage & friendships

I’m hoping to change my way of thinking towards her ,but I’m definitely avoiding contact with this woman at the moment . Not sure if the friendship can survive

Hi Toochatty, thanks for your lovely comment and I'd hate to say something that upsets you.

If I can mention another scenario, if there is a group of you including you, your wife this other lady and her husband and the lady you like, starts making conversation with someone else who has just come onto the scene, then this is going to annoy you, if not frustrate you, then your mood will drastically change for no apparent reason.

You are right when you say 'what man wouldn’t want a beautiful woman' is certainly a strong feeling, ( excuse me for quoting your words and mean no offense to anybody else), but yes, I would do the same without a doubt.

It's up to you whether you want to avoid her, but I think you know what is best at the moment.

Please get back to me and hope I haven't upset you.


Community Member

Thanks Geoff you haven’t upset me , I’m actually very grateful to be able to discuss this with someone. Being anonymous gives me the ability to be open & honest with you. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this in real life. It’s hard when people say hey how are you going & you really want to tell them the truth but you know you can’t, so you end up saying yeah things are going good. In reality I’m not good I’m struggling with my feelings and thoughts it’s exhausting thinking things over all the time.

when you are in Love with someone you want to shout it from the rooftops & tell everyone about it. You want to tell the woman your in love with of your feelings. You want to shower her with affection. I might never get to tell her how I feel

Hi Toochatty, I know it's so hard especially when you hear a love song on the radio that only makes you want to sing it to her, but you can't, and yes you start to tear up or cry and someone else might ask you 'why are you crying you haven't before', but you can't stop playing that song if you have taped it, so over and over it's played.

I hear what you are saying.

My best.


Community Member

So I went to a bbq last night and She was there, as I approached her she had her back to me & I was mesmerised, from the moment I saw her. Her smile her laugh the way she runs her fingers through her hair. I just stood & stared. Then when I chatted to her I didn’t want to talk to anyone else she had my full attention I could chat & listen to her for hours

I’m not sure if I can distance myself from her , how can I stop myself wanting her, I can’t really imagine her not being part of my life

Community Member

Hi Toochatty,

I look at your situation as beening in a current in the beach and trying not to get carry away as it would prove costly.

I think maybe another way to look at doing the correct and moral thing is if someone was doing this to your wife you would feel so much pain.Try to think of your mate, who trust you believe in you to be a great friend to respect each other. That friendship important and more so than the feelings of his wife.

Rose tinted glasses have us all at times in a spell. Everything perfect, false reality and over thinking. Sadly these rose tinted glasses wear off when facing reality. Reality is a world that we all must live in.

Your wife has helped you and been there for you. You miss her if you want over the other side. Grass is rarely greener on the other side at most times it brown.

Your mate wife might only show a side that she like you to see. You don’t really know people to you move it and some people really change for the bad when they feel they trapped someone.

I think you find that doing the right thing will in the long term create more happiness for you and likely no regrets.

All the best


Hi Toochatty, a situation where you were trapped and a situation where you will need to not go because if you do, then you are going to be caught.

Imagine if for some reason you and she had a fallout, (I'm only giving you another way to look at this) would you be going to the BBQ, maybe or maybe not, if you did it may feel uncomfortable, and instead of feeling excited, your mood would be the opposite and only stay for a short time.

I like Hang 10's reply and wonder if you knew she was going there because if you did then you couldn't say that you wouldn't be going.

Remember there are two families involved here, and your intense infatuation is only on the outside, because if you decided to live with her, there maybe another side to her personality which you don't know about.

Everyone has something they hide and it's only found out once you live together, it could be that you accept it at the beginning, but eventually, you might change your mind.

It's a difficult decision to make, but is it right to destroy both marriages, sorry mate, just giving you another perspective, hope you are OK.


Hi there Toochatty. Your post really resonated with me.