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Not sure if I should stay in my marriage

Laura1987
Community Member
My toddler was having a meltdown and I asked my husband to help. He got angry with me and then started kicking the kids toys so I got the kids and left. He sent me text messages and told me he won’t help me, don’t ask him too and he told me he doesn’t want to speak to me and can’t stand to be near me. We have been together 13 years and are due to relocate soon. I’ve no idea what I’m doing now! Should I just leave?
9 Replies 9

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator

Hey Laura, welcome to the Beyond Blue forum. Thanks for having the strength to share your story today. We understand this may be a difficult situation to talk about and we hope we can offer you some resources and support. We can imagine your partner's strong reaction must've been very upsetting and possibly frightening to see. We also acknowledge how hurtful your partner's comments were and the feelings of betrayal they may have caused. 

Domestic violence can take many forms including verbal and emotional abuse as well as general behaviour that causes you to fear. To learn more about the signs of domestic violence please read through the 1800Respect site here: https://www.1800respect.org.au/violence-and-abuse/domestic-and-family-violence

We would recommend that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

You may also like to contact get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

We hope these resources help Laura, so glad to have you join our community. 

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Laura1987~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here. The 2 numbers she has given you, 1800RESPECT and Relationships Australia are exactly the right sort of places to go, though it can seem hard trying to explain everything to someone else, even those who have experience.

To have the person you rely upon become the cause of your troubles can leave one not only deeply hurt but feeling lost.

The actions by your husband were a complete overreaction, particularly kicking the kids toys, a form of violence that as you would be aware of of, would be deeply upsetting to your kids.

What is your opinion of this, is it something completely out of character or has he always been prone to these rages? If it is out of the blue there may be a cause.

Taking the kids and leaving sounds the most sensible thing you could have done, unfortunately now you have a decision if you should make it permanent.

I guess any form of violence means there is anger built up inside him, and you have no way of knowing how deep it goes or if it will come out again perhaps in a more serious way.

1800RESPECT can probably give you some perspective on things, it is hard to judge just on your own.

Leaving your home takes cash and suddenly life becomes very hard, wiht difficulties you did not imagine. Do you have someone to help and be on your side, a family member perhaps? Some to lend practical as well as emotional support?

I hope you let us know how things are going

Croix

Guest_1643
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Laura

I'm so glad you left... thinking of what Croix said and how upsetting that would be for kids.
My Dad used to throw things accross the room when I was a kid, when he lost his temper, and it was confusing and upsetting... I don't think ur kids should have to see that.
In terms of saying he "doesn't want to speak... & can't stand to be near...you" - sorry - but what gives someone the right to just lash out like that at you?
He may be struggling with his own challenges in life but I don't think speaking like that to someone would help.
It's a bit entitled that he is taking things out on u and ur kids. He should not speak to u that way. I'm so sorry this has happened and hope you have somewhere to be where you are not subjected to scary behaviour

Thank you so much for your honesty. I came home after about 5 hours and he hasn’t spoken a word to me since.
he was having some pretty major back problems yesterday (not an excuse) but I’d say it’s where a lot of the frustrations stemmed from.
this kicking behaviour isn’t common at all although the silent treatment has been going on for years. It once had such an impact- now it does nothing. He is also quick to blame me for everything. He rarely shoulders the responsibility for how crap our relationship is.
I made it clear that if you won’t help parent, expect nothing in return from me. My kids were doing their usual thing today and I would normally step in but I didn’t, I let him deal with it. My daughter is at the age where she knows it’s not normal and asks why her dad reacted that why. I told her only he can answer that. I would normally jump in but I feel like he needs to be responsible and I can’t make up excuses for him.
I am so affected by this incident. I honestly don’t know what a future for us looks like. It’s really hard!

Laura1987
Community Member
Thank you so much for your reply.
I honestly don’t have much support. I tend to keep all relationship struggles to myself. Probably due to embarrassment about what me and the kids are putting up with.
in terms of money- we have always had separate bank accounts so I would be ok in that department. Also single parenting- I have never had that much help so I don’t think much would change!

Hi Laura good on u for not making excuses for him - i really admire that.

I don't thnk it helps to sort of "excuse away" bad behaviour. Not to say that anyone needs to be ostracised or cut off because of bad behaviour but it has to be called what it is.

My Mum used to say (in a lughing way) about my Dad - "He can't help himself... that's just who he is." no - not true. And it's no relationship if one person has no accountability for their own actions.
I understand the back issues are stressing him out and frustrating him.

Do u feel a bit traumatised by the kicking of the toys? It sounds a bit scary. And i'm taking it he didn't apologise or acknowledge this? I think that poses a bit of a problem for ur family as he may think this is normal.

ALthough it's a rare occurance and not something he does frequently, the images and harm of it endures and lasts... so even doing it once is alarming...

I can’t make excuses for that. She’s so aware now and she even asked me today if he apologised. He hasn’t! He hasn’t said a thing.
i think I am more traumatised by his words. How he refuses to help and thinks that He is way to busy to help me parent. I think him saying he can’t stand to be around me has really hit me. I asked why are you with me and he never acknowledged it. Were they words to just hurt me? Because it did but it always made me think that this isn’t what I want for me or the kids. I want someone to love me! I put my heart and soul into this and I’m not getting much back. My kids are beautiful and they deserve a dad who would move heaven and earth to spend 5 minutes with them.

i love ur protection for ur kids and they are lucky to have you

they deserve to be safe and also to feel safe which is more complicated...
we never know with words i guess someone could genuinely be having a hard day and u just were the person who got the brunt of it - and it didn't necessarily have anything to do with u...

but it can trigger a lot of pain and hurt. And also he could say "I can't cope with anything now because of my back... i'm sorry I can't talk much or be around much" but that's not what he says...

i guess also it's ur lived experience and if that hurt and traumatised you that's your right and truth and that's real. So it doesn't even matter what his intention was and u need to protect urself from that.

I tend to agree with u that your beautiful kids deserve safety and someone who wants to be aroud them, and so do u.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Laura

I have to agree wiht Sleepy when yousay

I put my heart and soul into this and I’m not getting much back. My
kids are beautiful and they deserve a dad who would move heaven and
earth to spend 5 minutes with them.

I think you have summed it all up.

I'm glad it is possible for you to separate if you want, that can provide hope and after the cruel way he behaved and the things he said it really is heartbreaking.

Croix.