Not coping

[Gj-1974]

Hi l went through a nasty divorce and separation in late 2023 my ex wife controlled and abused Mr for years and l haven't seen my kids for 2 years l tried to follow my younger daughter on instagram but was rejected and me oldest daughter has got married l wasn't told. It's burning me up, especially coming up to fathers day. Help

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

We have a lot in common. I look back on the period of separation from my 1st wife and 2 girls 7 and 4yo and remember the pain, the anguish of having no input into my kids lives. I also didnt know I had bipolar then and under the autism spectrum. My then wife was mentally and emotionally abusive using silence as a weapon etc. 

So, I always paid child support and when my eldest reached 12yo wanted to come live with me. Unfortunately her mother treated her badly on visitations because of it. My daughter hated her and I realised then that my daughter was going through what I endured for 11 years- mistreatment from narcissistic tendencies.

My youngest remained with her mother and grew up with the same attitude and techniques of hurting others. Finally when she got to 26yo I had to let her go and take on the rest of my life without her. 

One week prior to separation I tried to take my own life but I had an amazing turn around when I recalled my deceased father saying to me a few years earlier "better to be the best part time dad than no dad at all". He'd lost his other son, my brother, to suicide 15 years earlier and a brother.

So back to you. A few things stick out that can be substantial in your situation.

• Never give up. One day your kids will seek you out and try to repair the relationship even though they likely were brainwashed
• Other children you can have input into their lives that wont replace your own kids but you can be a positive influence to those kids. Step children is a prime example.
• That injustice follows humans no matter how kind they are. 
• That controlling partners eventually lose out as they try to control everyone. Eventually Karma results and they lose the love of their children
• Always send birthday and xmas cards even if they never reach the person addressed to. You can always say you never missed one and you will feel good that you didnt forget.
• Be happy that you survived her, you got through it all and after a healing period you will be the wiser for it all.
• Dont be afraid of radical steps to reform your life. Some buy a mobile home and travel around, others find and more suitable and humane partner and others take up golf or hobbies. For me I built my own new home with that and security shift work I toiled around the clock to get my home back and I realised that to remain busy with a project was fabulous as it focussed my mind on other things, "Moss gathers on a rolling stone"
• You'll gradually build up confidence especially talking to yourself. In a mirror in my caravan while building my house, every morning I'd look into it and say aloud "I am a good man, I deserve to love and be loved, stay strong, dont let her destroy me". 
• I attended parent and teacher night even though she preferred I didnt. If driving past my daughters school I'd drop off a apple pie each at the reception with their names on the bag, They never forgot that.

Fathers day- remember these special days are man made, all it means is the position of the planet in its orbit is marked by a tag. Every day is fathers day its just that these years of hurt arent over but will be one day. Get distracted.

Reply anytime

PS my eldest  is now married and calls her step mum, my wife "mum". She hasnt seen her birth mum for 16 years and her birth mother has never made contact... which says it all

TonyWK

[Scared]

White night couldnt have said it better

The only thing I can is somewhat same as white night.

A friend of mine his wife left him and took with her their only daughter of around 3 years old. My friend tried suicide as he just couldnt cope with the grief.   It became obvious that her intention was to poison the daughter against her father.  I knew this as I was in contact with both.  So one night having a beer I told my friend there is only one thing you can do.  Pick yourself up no matter how hard, always speak kindly about the mother when speaking to your daughter.  Take the high road in life and eventually your daughter when she grows up will see the truth of her mothers lies and she will find you again.

So thats what he did year in year out until now his daughter lives close by and all is happy.  The daughter eventually came to make up her own mind of her father and rejected her mother for the lies spread about him.

As I said white night has all this covered

[Gj-1974]

Hi Tony sorry about what you have been through. I have other issues going on suck as lack of employment and currently sharing a house with a person who doesn't communicate and accuses me of things l haven't done so l basically confine myself to my room and only eat sparingly. I don't think l am ever good enough for anyone. Yes it would be lovely to develop a relationship again and start working l have sought assistance from disability employment agencies with no luck . I .insecure about everything and think the worst of everything in life because that's how it is despite me trying. 

[white knight]

Hi GJ (and thankyou "Scared")

Re: "I don't think l am ever good enough for anyone."  You will feel that way after rejection and seeing other families together with their kids and so on. This is normal, in fact a lot of what you've described is normal with your circumstances. 

Early in my separation I used to ring my kids on Wednesday nights. I'd look forward toit and they too. Then my ex told me she didnt want me doing that anymore "they are fine, you see them every 2nd weekend". This was a classic case of someone not capable of walking a mile in my shoes, she had our kids 12 nights out of 14, she wasnt grieving for them to the same magnitude, her distraction from being partner free wasnt as intense. So in my eyes it was unfair. I felt like a sperm donor. 

So to extract myself out of that "failure" mentality wasnt easy. So I developed a different mindset for the present (at the time) and my future thoughts.

Firstly I realised that I needed to think radically, any changes to my life were tried out. I was inside a 11ft caravan and lowered the dining table down when my girls stayed over. This gave me mobility if I wasnt happy in that particular caravan park or didnt like my neighbours. It also meant I lived alone. I got distracted by buying a block of land and spent every spare moment clearing it, campfire, dreams. Then bought a kit home and suddenly I no longer grieved as much especially when my girls would come to stay, play hopscotch on the slab or see progress of the house erecting. I made goals and one of the greatest evenings of my life was to see my kids in their beds in their new bedroom, fairy doonas overlooking a fairy garden. I made it, I got my home back.

Radical might mean moving out of your room, for you it might mean consulting a family law solicitor to apply for access to your child joining a mens club even for coffee and chats etc. But its very very important to get distracted. 

One dream I had was to imagine when my kids got to driving age, to teach them how to drive. Another was to escort them to their Prom. Both occasions happened. When my youngest first became toxic I dreamed of her walking up my driveway years later- it happened. It didnt work out and she isnt in my life now but that isnt my fault and that is also very important- to be realistic in the thoughts you have- dividing them from fantasy to real. Discount the fantasy! by distraction. Fill your life up with activities, find new friends, join clubs of interest and so on.

For me it was poetry that gave me hope-

FROM AN OVERCOAT OF GREY

Wrote a letter in an attic on a cloudy day of pain

Sent it to my folder, labelled “regretfully insane”

Couldn’t mail it to my youngest in her typical silent way

“You needed me in London- I’d swim if I could not pay”

And the fairies played their bugles while in slumber land

And the teddy’s cared for all, so they could understand

That the song of love was one sided in my life of joy

I wish I could master being hugged - of being just a toy

And the forces I do not know are there for all to see

If we searched hard enough they laugh – laugh so merrily

But it comes to loving parents when the corner has a bend

That’s why I mask my pain with rhymes I never send

And those fairies still play their bugles and Barbie’s do their hair

I can look closely still, but there’s only one daughter there

In a room of joy and words meant to harm and annoy

I wish I could master the magic- of returning to a toy…

A price to pay for kindness, returned without a task

A symbol of returning care- isn’t much to ask

There was a time I told her I’d swim if I could not pay

All the love I had, from an overcoat of grey….

There are too many mirrors in her life of sanity

And words of care are missing not eyes of vanity

There’s a poem of hope gathering dust and eternal decay

“I’d swim to London to save you…if daddy cannot pay…”

That was my therapy. (TonyWK)