Not compatible, he's moved on, too much at stake to leave

[puzzlegirl]

Hello,

Thanks for reading. We've been together for 22 years, met as teens, and as life has moved on we have discovered we are so different from each other. Add to that, he has found another woman who he totally should just be married to, and it makes me feel like I want to just disappear. This new relationship of his has pretty much dissolved our marriage, yet there are many implications for jobs/child if we divorce. I am left in a situation where it is very clear that I am unloved and unwanted (these words have been spoken), but unfortunately I still love him. I feel like a fool. I want to disconnect myself from him, but I can't let got of this marriage that has been a big part of all of my life. I wish I could just turn off my love. I am extremely heartbroken, and daily feel pretty low about myself- easy to do when you are told you are not wanted, or shown by action that the other woman is more important. I've reached out because no matter how many times I tell him how I feel, there is little compassion for it. I don't feel 'heard' or understood and it is driving me crazy. I can't really tell close family or friends about this, because that would not go well for his work life. I very much just want to disappear from the marriage, but I feel I am trapped and have to stay. I will until our child is old enough to move out, but then I'd really love a chance at a relationship where I am actually loved and wanted. Does anyone out there feel the same? What tips have you got for a lonely and unloved women? How do I find my value outside of the one place where I 'should' feel accepted? Really, I am just looking for a community of people who just 'get' this. Thanks in advance.

[geoff]

Helo Puzzlegirl, nice to hear back from you and I'm so sorry but when your spouse/partner decides the marriage/relationship is over, it's very difficult to reverse their decision, simply because they have made other plans already or perhaps made them a long time ago.

So as much as it hurts you, you need to claim what you want, and if I can ask, are you going to sell the house or is one of you able to buy the other one out, from my experience it's better to sell the house and split the dividends because living in the same house brings back too many memories, and we caan talk about this if you want to.

Geoff.

[puzzlegirl]

Thanks Waterfront and Geoff.

Waterfront, I appreciate your comment that I also have agency in this. Because at the moment I feel like I have been defeated and everything that is happening is against my will. But yes, Geoff, you are right, there is no coming back from this. It's up to me to navigate this in a way that upholds some level of honour and respect for both myself and my husband. And I now know that he made this decision more than 12 months ago, just only now feeling confident to tell me about it. I feel like I have just jumped onto a fast rollercoaster and I'm going to have to take the ride whether I like it or not. About the finances- we are on our way to owning a house outright (actually this is the marker he has set for finalising the paperwork- once the house is paid off, we are done). He has said that he is actually going to give the house to me- he hates that house and wants to make sure I am financially provided for. The house we own is an investment fortunately, so the plan will be to each find a house to live in once all is said and done so the lived in house memories won't stick around. Right now, it's the little things. Like I know how he 'smells'- it's unique to him. I realise one day that familiar thing won't be there. And one day I won't iron his shirts, or make his dinner. One day we won't drink coffee together. There's a strange wind-down happening- I guess it's the beginning of a grief process. Just one I wasn't ready to begin. Thanks to you both for your kind thoughts- it's strange to seek support from strangers when there is none of it in the comfort of your own home.

[WaterFront]

Hi puzzlegirl,

Your husband has had 12 months to process his plans and decision while you are still reeling from the disclosures he has made. When you are ready, I would encourage you to investigate your options (google 'legal advice family relations online' for free gov. advice). I don't think you are not there yet as you are still clearly just trying to make sense of the situation and deal with the devastation you are feeling. It sound like he wants to do the right thing financially for you at the moment so that you and your child are looked after in that way. It doesn't hurt for you to know where you stand from a legal perspective.

I read somewhere (it may have been another BB thread) that the hardest thing you will ever do is grieve the loss of someone who is still alive. The grief process sucks. It is hard and long and painful. However, you do find your way through it and emerge stronger than before even if you don't think so right now. I'm sorry you have to go through this and want you to know the BB community are here to support you whenever you might need to connect.

WaterFront

[puzzlegirl]

Thanks Waterfront.

You have captured everything that I am feeling. I am reeling. I am devastated. I commented to him that it feels like our marriage has died, but that I have to daily deal with the 'carcass'. It's unhealthy to be around dead things. And that is what is so confusing about all of this. And I feel like failure- how will my child deal with parents who couldn't make marriage work? Mine are 45+ years married, his divorced about the same time as us. Yes, grief sucks, and I'm looking forward to the closure of it all (finalisation of everything) so I can finally 'bury' it, but it was a death I never wanted to encounter. So it all just feels unfair. Thanks for your practical and heart advice, both are very much appreciated.