Not a daughter anymore

[Flourish]

I'm dealing with the fact my own Mother has dis owned me as a daughter.

Back in 2012 found myself pregnant was forced to keep my pregnancy from Family, my Mother told me I was not to go near family as she felt disappointed and I was a failure.

I had my daughter a month early where I had no support from partner at the time in 2012, not knowing I was suffering from Post Natal, eventually it blew up one day 2013 to where my partner&Mother called the Police to say I was a threat to my daughter, my Mother siding with my partner making a false statement to say I assaulted my partner. That night, I lost my baby daughter 4 weeks old, my house, my job and any friends that believed his fake stories.

I fought in court for the next 11 months in the meanwhile not being out to see my daughter only for visitation rights with DHS office and then eventually having overnight stays to the point where it was half and half custody until sort it out in family court in late November 2013. It was then the father walked away after not getting years own way and decided not to see his daughter any more or have anything to do with me, said Post Natal was no excuse for what had happened & I was just basically a fake. Also my mother at this stage in this 11 months had decided to move in with him to help with my daughter so that he could still continue to go to work, do his sports go out with his friends as if life had not stopped and nothing had changed. My mother disowned me as a daughter and said I was complete failure. I still remember the day where I had to go around to my former family home to collect some of my belongings still wanting to fight me and I still don't know why I don't know what I've done wrong but at the same time I want to deal with it and move on I don't understand how a mother could not support you when you really need her most? After becoming a mother I would do anything and everything for my daughter regardless of what was going on or who was involved with, she is my world!

If anyone has dealt with this before knows any techniques whatever to do with this it would be greatly appreciated as I feel like I've spent five years with the psychologist and not got anywhere. Please help!

Thank you

[white knight]

Hi Flourish, welcome

You certainly have had a rough trot. Psychologists are great, they have their ways and any professional help is beneficial. I'm glad you have that help. Peer groups have their place in the process also because you are talking with members that can at least empathize with you.

Your mother seems set on the stigma of a baby out of wedlock. This is a largely old fashioned belief that she might have adopted from her ancestors. Whatever the reasons its her problem not yours. This method of detaching yourself from blame is very important to your growth as a person and to your defence as a mother. Your mothers moving in with your ex to look after your baby etc is a clear example of control by her is seems (from what you've said) where she has over stepped her authority. That's my view anyway. So what can you do?

First of all you are a brilliant mother that has done nothing substantially wrong to deserve the treatment you have received. As you go on through life you will have many ups and downs and this isn't so unusual...life isn't so straight forward for many of us. I felt sad about my life when in my twenties until a couple moved in next door to me and I only found out months later that 6 of their family died in a mini bus accident interstate. They were rebuilding their lives so moved interstate. Only then did I realise how lucky I was. So you have a young child and although your problems haven't gone away once you set boundaries and rules for your family members you will feel much better.

I would seek out your other family members. Often in these situations your uncles, aunts, cousins will not share your mothers views and restrictions. Most people have more relaxed views. Build up your own little family of relatives and friends. Eventually time will heal the pain and you can settle into life once again.

I'm estranged from my mother because her interference into my life was over the top. Don't feel guilty for maintaining distance from your mother, yes mums like anyone can be unfair and hurtful. It is totally your choices whether you have a relationship with her or not. Sometimes a written communication can sort out misunderstandings, other times no contact at all is best. Your choice.

Continue to focus on your child. Don't hold onto guilt.

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Topic: guilt the tormentor- beyondblue

All the best TonyWK

[Guest_7403]

Is it possible your mother has a more intimate relationship with your ex thenyou're aware of?

[Hang10]

Hi Flourish.

Your story reminds me a bit like mine. I was born out of wedlock, my mother was only 17 at the time. My father family were ashamed that a baby was born this way. It cost me my whole fathers family connection for 35 years. They was some agreement that was placed that I couldn’t be allowed to have any connection with my father. My birth certificate has no fathers name and I don’t have my fathers last name either no maintenance support ever as well. They tried to make my mum have an abortion and to pay it for her and pay for a holiday if she did. I was made to feel worthless. But my mum stayed strong.I found my father but I not liked in the same light as his other children and have mim contract with him today.

Fight for your child. You are a mum You are a worthy person and your baby will see all the wonderful things you have done for him or her when she or he understands.

Try not to fall into their traps. They try to control your emotions. Think off your baby no matter how much they upset you. Stay strong. Believe. Things will get better.

Hang10

[Flourish]

Thanks but each day has become in total auto pilot. I don't want to give up on my daughter but still trying to deal with having her and not making my own decsion!

I hate the fact of not having family or friends to support me.

Ive lost my job so even harder now, some people don't know how lucky they are to have parents.

Im feeling lost and don't know what to do

[Flourish]

No don't think so it's more because she got her first 4 kids from her and said I was a failure for being pregnant. Plus my ex ended up with another baby 12mths later and married her!!!!

[Hang10]

Hi Flourish

Thanks for replying back to the Beyond Blue team.

The last few months have no doubt been a tough time for you,lots of uncertainty, anxiety and stress.

Have you maybe looked up a support system like dads in distress but one that for mums not for dads. I know someone who was in a sort of the same situation they had their whole family against them. Had no job and went some years until recently they were able to see their child.

I really hope that you get to see your daughter still today. It important that you do. This is so important for your well bring. Their is doctors, support agencies that can make shore or help that you see your daughter.

With your ex now married this will give you time to look after yourself. To set little goals on what you like to achieve. Little steps end up beening big steps in time.

It worrying that you got no friends I hope that you find a network of people who been thru something like yours. This will help you fill in emotional gap you have.

Remember you are always a worthy person. Take each day as it comes.

All the very best

Hang10